ESP without knowing it - Blind Medium

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VoidWanderer
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Location: Ezra's Dark Forest - The Void

ESP without knowing it - Blind Medium

Post by VoidWanderer »

It occurred to me that if the astral is timeless, then anything that happens through the astral in order to manifest on the material plane would likely have to function through the material plane's already current state. Kind of like how sigil magick functions through mundane synchronicities.

With this in mind, I realized that if a part of me is on the astral and mental planes (as seems to be common opinion with people having a "soul"), then I likely have a free will portion of my mind (will / conscious), and I also likely have a "drifting in the wind" portion of my mind (often called the subconscious, but I doubt it's actually the self, seems more like a lack of self, or destabilization of the conscious where it sleeps because it can't keep itself awake).

I've noticed that I actually seem to have a "me" and something controlling "me" which I only have a small ability to resists as of right now. It's like I'm literally being guided through magickal training and insight by an astral force. Lately I've been writing in my journal a lot with spontaneous thought trains and I don't actually know where I'm getting my thoughts from. It's like I write "The reason people get sick is..." and then the rest of the sentence writes itself. I analyzed my journal's writing pattern and noticed that there seem to be two types of texts:

Ones written in first person "I". These are portions written with my focus.

Ones written in second person "You". These are portions written when I seem to be vacant. It's not that I'm not thinking, but that thoughts seem to pass through me like a force. It's like I'm doing automatic writing without knowing it. While I think that I'm writing "you" to make my journal accessible to other people that might read it, I now think that the "you" might just be a spirit's way of referring to myself from an external perspective.

I've heard that spirits tend to pay attention to clairvoyant individuals. And I've also heard seeming nonsense that when people meditate it isn't them that meditate but them that are meditated (somehow related to the tarot hanged man). Add to this that spirits apparently have a tendency to try to "trap" weak of mind people in their planes, and it sounds like spirits raise humans to act as self renewing food source. Kind of like how people "love" each other for social stability or how opposites attract. I've actually read a pretty much exact statement somewhere in a book that it is the duty of people to raise the lower forms, and the duty of higher forms to raise humans.

I have theory that "The Great White Brotherhood" being timeless, has masters that try to connect to people to raise them, but they pay the most attention to clairvoyants and such because they are the most easy to communicate to or even that the communication is always there but humans can't tell until they do become clairvoyant. This sounds a lot like the whole deal with "Communication with the holy guardian angel" or tribal spririts, masters, etc. The more I look at different cultures the more they seem like different perspectives on the EXACT same things.

So I think I may be beginning to develop communication of the HGA, but I can barely feel the connection, and I'll be mostly blind as a medium I think until I become clairvoyant.

So I'm asking you folks, do you think this entity is my HGA, a master of sorts, possibly a psychic attack, or what? And regardless of what it is, do any of you have any advice on how to actively open the connection so I can see the HGA and gain more free will? Even if the being is malicious, I would like to be able to see it so I could fight it if need be. Any additions or fixes to my theory would also be appreciated.

I can't actually talk to the being, but it definitely seems to be there. I used to have a delusion that I had "four knights" (Which were actually hooded black figures with swords. They much resembled assassins because I'm fantastical like that) that I would call to my circle's quarters before I ever even researched on the LBRP or other rituals where angels are called. I actually mentally asked one what its name was and it told me Jaylin (which is a name I've never heard before) and another variant of the spelling, and when I googled the name, the variations were shown as synonyms. I think I'm a sensitive and didn't realize it until now or at least actively disbelieved it.

I've been ignoring synchronicities for a long time because of what I assume to be real in my sheltered worldview. Actually, whatever is working through me seems to be making me rewrite physics so I open up my beliefs. I've got about 20 double sided pages of physics re explained using the four elements (and general hermetics), and a subjectively objective paradigm that is like an extended version of General Relativity where individuals are simultaneously dream characters and the only dreamer in a dream. I also theorize that time is a force because the astral doesn't have it, so it must be able to break down.

My writings are probably somewhat inspired but are also almost assuredly partially wrong. I might be nuts, but I think that's just a synonym for being radical. I looked up a symptom list for sociopaths and the list was basically an "Are you a Magician?" checklist, so I think mental hospitals are just an easy way to keep people under control. That kind of scares me because Franz Bardon mentions as silence as a virtue necessary to become a mage. Kind of makes me wonder if there's some monster in this dark occulty forest that's out to get me, but I imagine I have nothing to worry because I think I'd already be dead if I didn't have some kind of magickal protection from whatever forces are out there.

The blind intuition seems to fail me when I try to think for myself, so I know I have free will, and I don't think the being is malicious (though spirits can lie). For example, in my school, when I sit in class, I basically resemble a dead body that's spaced out. I do this all the time and manage to pass my classes with easy 90% and above grades. I notice that I actually do worse on tests when I study them. It's like studying resists the intuition by replacing it with knowledge.

As another note, I think I might be silenced (magick inhibited) because the first time I spent five minutes trying to make a psi ball (about a year ago), it was quite tangible and a friend was able to feel the static field before I ever went to try feeling it (so I wasn't hallucinating). I was actually surprised at my success.

However, now I seem to be unable to repeat the psi ball's making. Maybe a being is trying to "stop me at a gate" to stop me from hurting myself with energy overload (my meditation at 45min starts to make me feel sick and it seems to invoke energy. I felt a movement on my forehead last time I meditated, but the eye disappeared the moment I tried to see through it. It's almost like the eye lost too much energy when I tried to use it, so it dissipated (like how spells in video games either work or don't work based on how much "mana" is available, and they dissipate when you fail to cast them). Trying to forcefully create an astral double and transplant my awareness also seems to make me feel even more sick (I tried this once I got curious about the eye feeling), so I think my body is trying to develop its astral and mental bodies and it's sucking up all my energy so I can't use it! [crazy] Or I might be silenced in some other way, I can't tell.

Sorry, this was long, but I feel a context is necessary for proper advice to be given to me. Also, I'm not trying to be "special", I've spent the last 7 months of spotty training trying to tell myself that I'm not special (to avoid delusion, insanity, etc...), so I have a very realistic perspective right now. I only noticed my life's synchronicities somehow in spite of my best efforts to be a skeptic.

One last thing, I know that people generally only ask questions when they want to be told how right they are, but I want you all to tell me how wrong I am. Please tell me how things are from your perspectives. I need to be brought back down to earth or else I might get "mage superiority virus" from ego inflation. Please, destroy me [thumbup]
The truth is that there is no truth. Subjectively objective reality! Yay! Hail Eris!

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