Are you Awake

[Deathseye63]

Ask any questions you like and its not finished I want to know what you guys think.

Paint the world red and the let the bulls rage set the stage. let them engage in the ultimate state. survival. in a bloody haze with bodies screamin in agony and pain. The world of corruption looking for its ultimate gain to cripple the sane. empower the insane fill your grains with rot and ill that coarses through your veins. While we only focus on the physical plane the spiritual has all been but destroyed in the claim the shamans shame spreading the truth in the game of lies Lord of the flies gone world wide careful what you read everything you know is a careful lie reckless truth be damned Uncle sam requires you not to give a dam about those you kill, rape or who we employ to further an agenda to send the excuse for justice to be mute to go after people just for the commute go on a power trip to stomp on your face and make you lick their boots.

Your under attack when you let the music flow eat chips put on the latest logo imitate whats on last nights t.v. show you forgot you were welcomed to the jungle now once you tasted the bright lights your no longer humbled instead you want more your entangled in the web of sins While the arachnids grin as they're prey stays and fattens for them on empty promises that astonishes them. Grimm swears he's not the reaper but they're believers they ask why he dons a black hood he says pull my finger you'll feel ginger and when they lay on the floor they wonder wheres the vigor they lock up in rigor. history figured a long time ago he repeats himself but no one ever knows till the end of time mankinds real crime.

Enter the sublime your mind the recesses which you deny if you decry questioning your hive check your compass is it what you encomapassed? To delve in your soul to grab hold of your fears to let go holding back your tears emotions high can you look yourself in the eye when you say your not living a lie but when the truth hurts your suspect of your own worth life gets worse when everything you thought was a joke turned out to be the greatest hoax. We're all in it together to the third rock to the third world hurled into the universal the never ending quarrel the case of good or bad the difference between happy and sad the question that was asked.

[Clockwork Ghost]

This piece is in the wrong format and would be read better as lines rather than whole paragraphs - the composition is sound within reason but the structure is suffering because all the rhythm is stunted by its clustering. Its a good example of stream of conciousness poetry however, but to be better it shouldnt rely on any rhyme structure at all - that would allow it to flow much less evenly and cascade better. I like the anger in this piece but it seems unfinished, it builds and then collapses, it almost needs to repeat back on itself again in order to come to a conclusion - very nice though, it leaves me wanting to read more.

[Deathseye63]

Thanks for your reply. Honestly didnt know if i wanted to post this as song lyrics or a poem and frankly I dont knoow how to do either. I like to rhyme but i'll take the clustering into consideration next time. Wasn't going for anger but to build a tempo when people read it although the rhyming made it somewhat uncontrollable. I dont know what you mean by "it almost needs to repeat back on itself again in order to come to a conclusion" and I do have another post if you want to read its "the game"

[Clockwork Ghost]

By repeating back on itself, I mean it needs to either come to a conclusion or it needs to repeat the beginning part of the piece again to reinforce it at the end of the piece. Its quite a common tactic that prose and poetry uses - repeat the beginning at the end to give it completion and a cyclic feel, but maybe switch it up a notch and change it a little bit to also show growth and change.

Yeah, I'd be quite keen to read more of your work - please feel free to post it and I'll review it if you like. [thumbup]