Fiction: The Switch That Flipped (Feedback Appreciated...)

[Valkrane]

Ok... so I've written other stories about these characters, and posted them here. So there might be some familiarity to some people. This is a first draft. i stayed up most of the night writing it. I am not sure how I feel about it. And this is also only half the story. I am not quite sure where to take it after this but I have a few ideas. I thought maybe hearing some feedback might help me decide what happens next, idk. This is part of a larger body of work. It's not really cohesive enough to be a novel. As of now it's just a series of short stories.

I also want to apologize in advance if there are any typos. I have an art degree, not an English degree, lol. It seems like no matter how much I proof my work, there are always a few that sneak passed me. So I'm sure this story will be no different.

So... here goes.

*******************************

It had been weeks since he’d slept this well. Samael laid at the foot of the bed, also asleep in the blue glow from the TV, muted, on cartoon network. He had slept most of the day away. The loud beeping of his cell phone from the night stand was like a battering ram, interrupting this rare state of peace. Disoriented, he groped for the phone. “Hello.”

“Yes, is this Anders Grimstad?”

“Yes, who is this?”

“This is Mathew Howard from the Cuyahoga County Sherriff’s department.”

Upon hearing the words “Sherriff’s department” he sat up quickly, rubbing his eyes, “Is everything alright?”

A long pause… too long. A sense of dread hung heavy in the air. He knew somehow that everything was not alright.

“Mr. Grimstad, I’m afraid everything is not alright.”

“What happened? Is Renee ok?”

Another long pause.

“Is it Tom? Tell me god damn it.”

“You were listed as an emergency contact for Renee Garasey. She was in an accident this evening.”

“Where is she? What hospital?”

“Mr. Grimstad… she’s dead.”

Time seemed to freeze. The phone fell to the floor and there was no sound but his anguished scream.



“Renee,” Brenda said, approaching the bar with a desperate look in her eyes, “I need a favor. Andrea called off and Denise can’t come in till 5. Can you stay for another hour?”

“Sure.” Renee said, stacking glasses. “All the big tippers are coming in. If I would’ve known I was staying over I’d have worn a lower cut top.”

Brenda laughed, “Thanks hon.”

Renee stepped into the small office area behind the bar and picked up her cell phone. She sent a quick text letting Anders know she would be late, and then went back out to her customers.



Across town, his cell phone beeped again, from where it had landed on their bedroom floor. The beeping went unnoticed.



It was starting to cool off outside when Renee was leaving the bar. She zipped up her hoody and hugged it close to her, feeling the wad of cash in the left pocket next to her cell phone. She pulled the phone out and looked at it. Anders never returned her text. Oh well, she thought. He might be sleeping.

At home, the house was dark. From what she could see, no lights were on at all. An excited Samael greeted her in the atrium. He circled her, anxiously whimpering as she crossed the atrium and put her bag down. She spotted a small dribble of urine near the trash can. “Oh Samael.” she said, patting his head lightly, “You made a mess didn’t you? “ She grabbed his leash off the wall and attached it to his collar. “Come on, let’s go potty.”

She lead the dog outside, where he did the standard sniffing around the driveway routine until he found a spot that was to his liking. She wondered why Anders didn’t take him out earlier. He must have been out like a light downstairs. She knew he was home. His car was there. But her text didn’t wake him up, and Samael, who could be very vocal when needing to go out, didn’t wake him up. Oh well… He hadn’t been sleeping that well lately.

Back inside she wiped the dog piss off the floor. Standing at the top of the stairs she faintly heard the shower running in the downstairs bathroom. Was he in the shower when she came in the first time? Probably. She probably just didn’t notice the sound because she was distracted by the dog.

The bedroom light was off. The blue glow from the tv and the soft yellow glow coming from under the bathroom door set an ominous tone as she entered. She sat on the bed and took off her shoes and socks before crossing the room and opening the bathroom door.

“Hey lover,” she said, entering the bathroom and undoing her jeans at the same time. “Brenda asked me to stay over for an hour because Andrea called off again.” She tossed her jeans and panties into the hamper and then removed her shirt. “I made some good tips tonight. We should go out and do something.” She said, reaching around to unhook her bra. “Samael pissed on the atrium floor.” She said, laughing a little as she took out her ponytail.

“What, are you not talking to me or what?” she said, reaching into the shower to gauge the temperature of the water. She jumped back, startled when ice cold water hit her hand. “Jesus! What the hell are you—“ she pulled back the curtain and was speechless.

He stood, fully clothed and still, staring up at the shower head. Freezing water pelted his face. His hair hung in long wet tendrils that resembled cobwebs, and his wet clothes clung to him like gauze.

She stood, naked and dumbfounded. Cold mist from the shower hit her bare skin and made it break out in gooseflesh. She reached in and turned off the water.

“Anders.” She said. He was unresponsive. “What’s wrong with you? Look at me.”

Nothing.

“How long have you been in there? The water was ice cold.”

He slowly turned his head and looked at her. His eyes were so empty. “Du kan ikke være her.” He said, hoarsely.

“You gotta speak to me in English.” She stammered, blinking back tears. “I don’t know what you’re saying.”

“De fortalte meg at du var død.”

“Anders, this is getting scary.” She said, her voice just above a whisper, “Please talk so I can understand you.”

He slowly raised his hand to touch her. She gasped and shuddered when his cold hand touched her left breast. She looked down, confused, and then back up at his pallid face. Pain shot through her chest as his hand pinched her, hard and merciless.

“Ow!” she yelped, slapping his hand away. “What the hell did you do that for!” Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she wrapped a towel around herself.

Her heart pounded as she backed out of the bathroom, never turning her back on him. He didn’t move. The only sound was the dripping of his wet clothing onto the hard floor.

In the bedroom she pulled on her clothes while trying to stay calm. Her cell phone was on the bed, where she had tossed it before going into the bathroom. She picked it up and called Tom, not really knowing what to do or who else to call. She felt a need to tell someone, anyone, what had just happened. And Tom seemed like the wisest choice, considering he lived here too.

“Tom, are you at work still?”

Just then she saw a mass of black and blond emerge from the bathroom, from the corner of her eye. She let out a small scream.

Anders walked slowly to the bed and sat down, still staring blankly. Renee stood by the bedroom door, still afraid to turn her back. She kept both eyes on him.

“Renee, is everything ok?” Tom said, on the phone.

“I don’t know,” she sobbed. “I need to get the hell out of this house. Something isn’t right. Anders is acting really weird.”

“What do you mean he’s acting really weird? What’s he doing?”

“I came home and he was… in the shower, and the water was cold. And he won’t speak to me in English… and he pinched me really fucking hard. I don’t know what the fuck’s wrong with him Tom.”

All the while, he sat on the bed, staring straight ahead. She wondered if he could even hear her.

“Is he sleepwalking?” Tom asked.

“He’s sitting on the bed,” she said, almost as if she hadn’t heard the sleepwalking question, “I’m going to walk up the stairs and leave. I’m afraid he’s going to come after me.”

“Just go up the stairs and out the door. Stay on the phone with me. If he chases you I’m sure you can outrun him. Get your car keys out and ready. Just run for it.”

She dug in her jeans, thank God the car keys were there and didn’t fall out in the hamper.

He still sat eerily still, on the bed.

She turned and sprinted, up the stairs, through the atrium and out the door. It wasn’t until she was outside opening the car door that she noticed Samael had followed. Dogs can sense evil, she thought.

She wasn’t sure where she was going. She drove up the street, toward the bar. It was starting to get dark out. Samael paced and whimpered in the back seat.

She sat for a long time in the bar parking lot, alone. Was she the crazy one? The thought occurred to her randomly… Did she over react? Why the hell was she so afraid of a 5’8’’, 160 pound man with no weapons who was doing nothing but sitting on a bed. The look in his eyes… It was the same look Will had given her before nearly putting her in the hospital. It was also strikingly similar to the look her dad used to give her Mom before beating her. She was afraid because she was in survivor mode. That was all.

Her cell phone rang, interrupting her train of thought. Please don’t be him… was all she could think.

[manonthepath]

If you want me to edit your work or ghost write for you, I charge $75 U.S. per hour. [tongue2]

[Valkrane]

If you want me to edit your work or ghost write for you, I charge $75 U.S. per hour. [tongue2]

Lol... I am not sure if this is a compliment or if I'm being made fun of.

Either way, I couldn't afford you. [devil]

[EternalReturn]

Intense You really have the knack of making people feel uncomfortable. That's really great. And yet, no one is killed, no blood, only ominous tone. Speaking of which:


" The blue glow from the tv and the soft yellow glow coming from under the bathroom door set an ominous tone as she entered."

Show, don't tell [grin] It is really the same like telling your hypothetical victim to be afraid of you. But if you show the cleaver, I'm sure there will be screams [crazy]


And I'd like to issue a challenge for the fun and if you'd like to try something new. Could you write short story set in space on some starship? This would be a startpoint, everything else you imagine.

Reason for this is an experiment in which you write in some other genre which you haven't. I presume, as you have based your writings mainly on psychology, fear, unknown and supernatural to try to change the attention scope to develop your skills further. I presume that sci-fi is one of these "I have not written" genres? [grin]