being blueBoy

[akimbomoss]

I've been dreading making this post for more than 2 years. I'm posting in offtopic mundane so I can ramble a bit...

Maybe it would be easier if I talked about myself in the third person.

blueBoy lives with parents. blueBoy got depressed in college. blueBoy went to see a shrink, took different drugs for 12 years. blueBoy got off all drugs and shrink didn't want to see him anymore. blueBoy goes back on drug for a while and quits again. blueBoy has a massive A&P (arising and passing away) with Stukov and Belial after intense meditation sessions. blueBoy is pressured to go back to shrink and ends up back on drug. New label is given called schitzophrenia. General Practitioner doctor doesn't think shrink is correct and eventually lets blueBoy go off drug. Psychiatric label is modified slightly.

blueBoy sees naturopath. Naturopath gets blueBoy in pretty good shape in a few months. Naturopath wants to kill candida to get blueBoy to 100%. It fails either with IBS, gas or muscle soreness. For 2 years they try all kinds of things without much success. Meanwhile blueBoy got a part time job in 2013.

Then blueBoy is sent to an acupuncturist. Everytime he goes she is able to repair just about any problem. blueBoy starts a regular meditation practice right after seeing her the first time. blueBoy starts getting stuff from his post-A&P coming back again after a few months of practice. Mahasi noting is added to the mix and things improve. Some substances mysteriously can no longer be taken like magnesium (including glycinate), antioxidants, amino acids, probiotics, quinoa, chia, chayenne and paprika. blueBoy endures this onslought despite feeling more unstable.

Meanwhile muscle problems continue since blueBoy is a programmer. Programming chairs are replaced with a top 5 best in the world ergonomic chairs at his own expense. Bed mattress is replaced with very high end one.

blueBoy still gets some symptoms from post-A&P like seeing colored lights and muscle spasms synchronized with thought patterns as well as muscle aches. They seems to match exactly to being a dark night yogi. blueBoy reads Masting The Core Teachings of The Buddha by Daniel Ingram and is 45% done. Retreats are hailed as "the answer".

blueBoy feels overwhelmed because he realizes he doesn't care about his comic book collection, vintage computer collection or any of the other cruft that seems to be preventing him from getting a studio appartment. He also feels the need to be friendly to the Earth and this increases the workload slightly. He gets anxiety which causes pains to move all around his body staying in 1 spot until he sees his acupuncturist then it moves on to a different location.

Should blueBoy:
1. Go on retreat
2. Just continue seeing acupuncturist
3. Try seeing a Reiki professional
4. Go on to step 2 in Bardon's Initiation to Hermetics so he can heal himself with vital energy. He already did some energy work but it only worked on somebody else he loved and only really during an A&P
5. Other

[Frumens]

If you have enough money to go on retreat, I recommend you contact Cheetah House before you do that. I remember hearing that they had a small live-in program for people going through dark night type experiences. I don't know if they still do that, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Maybe you could just ask them for advice in general. I like to recommend metta meditation to everyone. I recommend that you not get involved with things that can make your schizophrenia worse.

Before you go on retreat you should test yourself to see if you can realistically take on austerities such as celibacy and sleeping uncomfortably. Can you sit in a proper meditation posture without damaging your knees?

[akimbomoss]

If you have enough money to go on retreat, I recommend you contact Cheetah House before you do that. I remember hearing that they had a small live-in program for people going through dark night type experiences. I don't know if they still do that, but it doesn't hurt to ask. Maybe you could just ask them for advice in general. I like to recommend metta meditation to everyone.

Sounds like a good idea.

I recommend that you not get involved with things that can make your schizophrenia worse.

Are you referring to this 1979 study?

Walsh R, Roche L (1979) Precipitation of acute psychotic episodes by intensive meditation in individuals with a history of schizophrenia). Am J Psychiatry 136(8): 1085-6.

Not only is it old but what you are saying makes no sence. There are many people on this forum with schizophrenia, Clockwork Ghost among them. Are you suggesting we skip meditation and just perform magickal rituals without them? According to Shinichi and many other sources this is a bad idea as the mind need to be properly prepared for magickal rituals. I didn't realize that when I had my A&P because I did the wrong thing but I don't think that means I am forever dammed? What are you saying?

Before you go on retreat you should test yourself to see if you can realistically take on austerities such as celibacy and sleeping uncomfortably. Can you sit in a proper meditation posture without damaging your knees?

By celibacy you mean no masturbation? I think I can handle that. As for sleep I always sleep uncomfotably usually ever since going off seroquel. I may have gotten relief with some supplements before but now the ones I was using for sleep (inositol) I can't take anymore because of herxheimer syndrome or my liver or some damn thing. As for the meditation posture my inner left theigh has been screwed for 6 months now and acupuncture isn't helping. I've tried asanas, walking and stretches given to me by my acupuncturist and then my yoga teacher. Poor progress but I can keep trying. I can do hero pose on blocks, standing meditation and sitting on a chair meditation.

[Frumens]

Are you referring to this 1979 study?

No, I've never heard of that study. I don't know what it's like to meditate, practice magic, or do energy work with schizophrenia, but I always thought that it made things more difficult. When people mess up with magic they develop psychosis, so if you already have it who knows what would happen? Just try to stay safe.

By celibacy you mean no masturbation? I think I can handle that. As for sleep I always sleep uncomfortably usually ever since going off seroquel. I may have gotten relief with some supplements before but now the ones I was using for sleep (inositol) I can't take anymore because of herxheimer syndrome or my liver or some damn thing. As for the meditation posture my inner left theigh has been screwed for 6 months now and acupuncture isn't helping. I've tried asanas, walking and stretches given to me by my acupuncturist and then my yoga teacher. Poor progress but I can keep trying. I can do hero pose on blocks, standing meditation and sitting on a chair meditation.

Yes I did mean masturbation. Since you mentioned medications, I know that some retreats don't allow you to take medications while you're there, particularly psychiatric medications and sleep medications.

I don't know what advice to give you besides what I've said up to this point. If the mindfulness meditation is working out for you maybe you should learn more about Buddhism in general. I feel like a Buddhist perspective on life is good for people who have experienced a lot of suffering. But of course, I'm biased.

Best wishes.

[corvidus]

Hi there akimbomoss,

I highly recommend seeing a Reiki practitioner (for any condition). Try to find one in your area with at least 2 years of experience practicing with Master's attunement.

My personal experience with Reiki has shown me that it's an excellent technique for healing. It will dissolve blockages in your energy channels and balance your chakras. A good Reiki Master can also help balance your mind. You'll probably go through an emotional detoxification, so take care of yourself after a session.

Don't worry about telling them your whole life story if you don't feel like opening up to a stranger. I'm sure just saying "I have a lot of mental anxiety" along with any other 'symptom' will be enough for them to work with.

Good Luck,
Peace.

[akimbomoss]

I think I will explore all of these avenues. I found this quite helpful.

There is also a Buddhist temple 1 town over from where I live but for some reason I feel shy about going there. [blush] I think it's because i'm a bit of a chaote.

[corvidus]

what!?

I wish I had a Buddhist temple that close to my hometown..

[Frumens]

I think I will explore all of these avenues. I found this quite helpful.

There is also a Buddhist temple 1 town over from where I live but for some reason I feel shy about going there. [blush] I think it's because i'm a bit of a chaote.

The people at my dharma center have a lot of unorthodox views. If the temple accommodates Westerners the teacher will probably only talk about the basics. The people at the temple won't necessarily know about dark night of the soul stuff. That information comes from the Burmese Theravada tradition.

[Maya The Generator]

Go to temple! I had some occasion to live for short while with monks and it was very special moment. I was cleansed and *here comes the best* my vision about strictness of temples and people living there was lifted. They can surprise you the same way you propably can surprise them. I do not remember what God was protecting that temple but when I seen his mask for a moment I dwelled in darkness of his eyes. It was magical time. I recommend for experience purposes too.

Praise teh Sun within a Cloud \[T]/ [cool]

[akimbomoss]

I have a status report. It is mostly good news.

Cheetah house never answered my email. The buddhist temple seemed to have a problem with their mail server according to the messages it sent back to me so I put off the tour for now (their website suggested a tour of the place would be a good idea for newcomers).

The reiki suggestion was a good idea. I went to the guy per his suggestion for both accupressure (not to be confused with acupuncture) and reiki. It really had an effect on me just as discussed here. Also because accupressure is such a diagnostic test we were able to figure out problems. Sadly it looks like my expensive chairs are not expensive enough or just simply inadequate for my body. Programming computers seems to be killing me this way so I will have to save up and buy a treadmill desk I think. I tried the standing/sitting desk idea and it doesn't work. I mostly work from home now so I can do yoga and meditation every day which is helping but is not the entire solution.

I have also looked into something called TMS. It happens when the mind feels too stressed about something it creates fake pain in the form of oxygen deprived muscles and tendons. I have gotten some pain relief telling myself the pain is fake and watching my stress levels while I program.

I have also been trying sitting meditation poses which I always have trouble with. My reiki guy is also a yoga teacher and gave me some excercises to help similar to what Frumens showed me in another thread (butterfly and friends) but most of them are not asanas. I seem to be making slow progress but can now sit in Swastikasana with some pain. I haven't been able to get into samadhi much with that pain but I began realizing meditation isn't all about samadhi.

There is also the issue of supplements and how my body seems to want less of them for a reason that no body can explain. I am afraid of going off them completely as I did that before (before regular meditation practice however) and I felt more sad. When I try to have more of just about any supplement or homeopathy I get constipation / IBS.

As for this "Dark Night" thing I think the Reiki got rid of it somehow. I told the guy I wanted to get rid of it too. At first he was confused as to why I was asking for 2 years of experience until I told him about the dark night. I wish I could explain what he did but I had all kinds of reactions. I had pains moving about and teleporting during the treatment. In another session it felt like my head was being pulled diagonally and stretched even though he wasn't doing that with his hands. After the first session I felt a calmness in my upper chest that I haven't felt since I don't know when.

I guess that's enough. Thanks people. [yay]

[Frumens]

If you decide to go on retreat, there is a center in Canada that I have heard about. I very much enjoy the YouTube videos of Yuttadhammo Bhikku, who is one of the monks at this center.

http://www.sirimangalo.org/home

Warm wishes.

[Nahemah]

I have a status report. It is mostly good news.

[thumbup]

[akimbomoss]

If you decide to go on retreat, there is a center in Canada that I have heard about. I very much enjoy the YouTube videos of Yuttadhammo Bhikku, who is one of the monks at this center.

http://www.sirimangalo.org/home

Warm wishes.

Looks good but right now the minimum retreat time for newcomers (please correct me if I am wrong) is 3 weeks http://www.sirimangalo.org/courses/

Also it looks like they are collecting donations to fund their new meditation center that they will move into very soon (this weekend?) and what I read seemed to imply they will offer shorter sessions. http://yuttadhammo.sirimangalo.org/