I Feel Worthless

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Napoli
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I Feel Worthless

Post by Napoli »

I came into the occult to be someone worthwhile. Before this life never had any meaning for me and I decided to become a magus. It's almost a year and I feel I have achieved nothing. I had set my heart on achieving a certain goal by magic. I went through hell and probably still am. I am not daunted by it but rather the fact I have failed to achieve it. I know I did everything I can, but I am unaware where I went wrong. Now I feel that I amount to nothing and I am going back to those dark days when my existence was a torture. I don't know where I stand now or where to go from here.
In my sword I trust.

- Ensiferum

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WillowDarkWytch
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by WillowDarkWytch »

Motumbá Àse, Napoli

Let me ask you, what is it that you try to achieve?

For what you say, I see that your problem is more psychological rather than magical. Magick can't resolve psychological problems, excersises might help yopu as a tool of self improvement, but without a propper guidence it is mostly normal that you end up in the same negative spot, but with a little more knowledge to argue and sustain that negativity. I'm telling you this as a therapist and spiritual advisor.

My advice is to find a therapist to help you, hopefuly one in the "esoteric" current, if not, avoid occult topics with them. But in the psychological matter, just a magickian or occult practitioner won't be able to help you, not in the right way. Try to find a therapist with spiritual/esoteric inclination. Even a good, well versed and trained priest/ess, spiritual healer, shaman, could help you if they are well trained in spiritual advisory.

My first thought is that you're trying to fill/fix with magick something that needs to be fixed and fullfiled spiritualy.

But as I told you, this is no magical subject and it's very sensitive to have any practitioner giving you magical advice. Be serious about it. It's not fine to be feeling like that.


Saravá,
Idansinají
"Kosi Ewe Kosi Orìṣà"
- Yoruba Tradition

"Water which is too pure has no fish"
- form the Ts'ai Ken T'an

"No enunciation of the Truth will ever be complete, no method of training will ever be suitable for all temperaments..."
- Dion Fortune

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Napoli
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by Napoli »

WillowDarkWytch wrote:Motumbá Àse, Napoli

Let me ask you, what is it that you try to achieve?

For what you say, I see that your problem is more psychological rather than magical. Magick can't resolve psychological problems, excersises might help yopu as a tool of self improvement, but without a propper guidence it is mostly normal that you end up in the same negative spot, but with a little more knowledge to argue and sustain that negativity. I'm telling you this as a therapist and spiritual advisor.

My advice is to find a therapist to help you, hopefuly one in the "esoteric" current, if not, avoid occult topics with them. But in the psychological matter, just a magickian or occult practitioner won't be able to help you, not in the right way. Try to find a therapist with spiritual/esoteric inclination. Even a good, well versed and trained priest/ess, spiritual healer, shaman, could help you if they are well trained in spiritual advisory.

My first thought is that you're trying to fill/fix with magick something that needs to be fixed and fullfiled spiritualy.

But as I told you, this is no magical subject and it's very sensitive to have any practitioner giving you magical advice. Be serious about it. It's not fine to be feeling like that.


Saravá,
Idansinají
Thank you for your response WDW. I can only say that I have been fighting for my family and I have failed us. As for my spiritual fulfillment I am still in search of it. At this moment I do wish I could be my old self again, but I have burned myself out. I think I have lost myself.
In my sword I trust.

- Ensiferum

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the_spiral
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by the_spiral »

As I said before, I think you need to quit occult practices for awhile and focus on psychological, spiritual and energetic healing. For the heavier work you're doing, especially Demonolatry, it's absolutely crucial to be of sound body and mind. Your underlying self-loathing creates a hole in your psyche leaving you vulnerable to becoming someone's plaything. And yes, I am speaking from experience. And there's nothing nice waiting at the end of your current road. So seal off the portals you've opened, do a cleansing and rebirthing ritual, read Fortune's "Sane Occultism" and "Psychic Self-Defense", find a good and sympathetic therapist or spiritual counselor, and take up yoga/Reiki/tai chi or some other practice that centers and balances out your system. After a few months or years of self-repair you may find you're ready to go back to your old practices. But your survival is more important right now.
"Follow the path of the radiant life force as she flashes upward like lightning through your body." - Vijanabhairava Tantra

EEHC
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by EEHC »

the_spiral wrote: find a good and sympathetic therapist or spiritual counselor, and take up yoga/Reiki/tai chi or some other practice that centers and balances out your system
This.

We all go through though times in life (some more than others) and it's quite possible that you're suffering from depression. There is no shame in that. I have gone through that myself for years. It can be useful if you find a counselor to figure out what's wrong in your life and fix it. Only then will the occult be of much use. For undertaking the Great Work and get positive results your mind must be healthy.
Last edited by EEHC on Fri Feb 19, 2016 7:03 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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WillowDarkWytch
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by WillowDarkWytch »

Napoli wrote: Thank you for your response WDW. I can only say that I have been fighting for my family and I have failed us. As for my spiritual fulfillment I am still in search of it. At this moment I do wish I could be my old self again, but I have burned myself out. I think I have lost myself.
As The_Spiral says, you need go off magick for a while, those books are good books. Fortune is a good occult author (saving some belief differences one might have) I would give about the same advice. As I said, look for a therapist with spiritual or mystical techniques or an spiritual advisor (priests, shamans, healers, etc).

If you want to talk, you know you can talk to me. I have no problem in listening and help you understand what you're going through
"Kosi Ewe Kosi Orìṣà"
- Yoruba Tradition

"Water which is too pure has no fish"
- form the Ts'ai Ken T'an

"No enunciation of the Truth will ever be complete, no method of training will ever be suitable for all temperaments..."
- Dion Fortune

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Cybernetic_Jazz
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by Cybernetic_Jazz »

I'm 2 1/2 years in to my studies and I'm still not sure which it is - a weak/diffuse panentheism that borders on an atheism where a few things happen externally but most of it's psychological or whether this is nothing more than me, as a meat puppet that came into existence at birth and may cease to exist at death, touches base with another part of it's own meat - the animal self - that's usually sealed off in communication.

The little bit of progress I might be making is being able to identify which emotional overtones are coming from my...er....nefesh. Other than that - being awakened at night by sensations running from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, feelings of entities contacting me, none of it has significantly changed my outer world or helped me solve my most profound life problems, and the few scraps of evidence I have for it being anything more than brain-chemicals being shot at each other seems like it's still not enough to give a whole lot of hope.

The only ray of optimism I might be able to give you - this is where I think your honeymoon or infatuation phase is running out. In one sense that's a good thing - the honeymoon is superficial, when that feeling fades it may very well mean that the real work is beginning. The downside of course is that the romance of following in the footsteps of great mages, trecking up the paths of the ToL and learning about the universe from the elemental kings and queens themselves, having a convincing enough chat with the angels and archangels where you're learning more about your life than just having what you already knew reconfigured in new ways - those dreams kinda die for a while. Is it possible you or I will be hitting that at our ten year marks? Sure. If you don't stick with it, at least as a background 15 to 20 minute a day habit, however you won't find out.

That's part of why I haven't quit and there can't be any quitting until I really can say with certainty that it's been fully examined and walked out. If I did I'm pretty sure the hardships of my life would swallow me. I'd be done. I need this, and I need it to the extent that it offers any ray of hope that I have one more option I can pull from my internal resources to fend off the jaws of despair. That's true whether this stuff is real in the classical sense or only real in the configuring neurons and brain chemicals for a novel impact.

Try the_spiral's reading suggestions on for size and see if there's something in there you can use. If you want something sunny and encouraging - you could always join BOTA. The magical process includes as a critical component, as far as it can be carried, taking the programming of your life and your mind into your own hands as far as you can manage, thus keeping the positive messages rolling in - day in and day out - is critical when we're going through hard times. Sometimes it's just a pick me up, other times it's the bread of life itself.
You don't have to do a thing perfect, just relentlessly.

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corvidus
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by corvidus »

Napoli wrote: I am not daunted by it but rather the fact I have failed to achieve it. I know I did everything I can, but I am unaware where I went wrong. Now I feel that I amount to nothing and I am going back to those dark days when my existence was a torture. I don't know where I stand now or where to go from here.
In order to really get to the bottom of this, it'd be nice to know what your goal was, and how you know you've failed. Short term goals come amd go, and I doubt any serious long term goal can be so easily failed.

[quote="Napoli"
Thank you for your response WDW. I can only say that I have been fighting for my family and I have failed us. As for my spiritual fulfillment I am still in search of it. At this moment I do wish I could be my old self again, but I have burned myself out. I think I have lost myself.[/quote]

If you're giving up, then you most certainly have failed. If you're 'burnt out', I suggest fasting for two or three days. No work, no television, no thoughts. This will help balance you out.
Free yourself from the seduction of words.

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Napoli
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by Napoli »

Thank you for your response guys. I really appreciate it. Actually, I haven't given up but I can't cope with failing and lack of self motivation. I don't even have the sufficient energy to even meditate- I feel both physically and mentally drained. I have stopped working with spirits for a long time. I think this truly calls for a break while I do my recuperation and healing. I just didn't know how to do it until now.

@WillowDarkWytch- *hugs*.
In my sword I trust.

- Ensiferum

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cactusjack543
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Re: I Feel Worthless

Post by cactusjack543 »

just several weeks ago a life time dream came too.... I saw pink Floyd tribute in concert I know right something that might of never been but wordy they were like burn down the house.

just thy other day me and my ex were walking to 7 11 we saw a real hard core street women doin dirty deeds.... on our way back I saw a smile on her you could see a mile away ..... with her hand to her heart.... why so full of smiles I said as she patted her heart she said.... my heart is happy

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