Funny Things

[Napoli]

You might be pagan if....

When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire.

You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying.

When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"

You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it.

You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.

You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you.

You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.

You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them.

The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice... altar... you have there."

On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.

You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one.

You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them.

You commit blasphemy in the plural.

Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN."

When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way.

Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.

You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such.

In Religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.

You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You can explain the difference.

You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.

You talk to trees. They talk back.

You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.

Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.

You've seen "The Craft." You know where they were making stuff up in "The Craft." You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft." You know it's a load of crap.

You understand the symbolism behind a maypole.

You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."

Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you."

You consider unicorns to be an endangered species.

You commonly (and frequently accidentally) call the days of the week by alternate names: Sunday, Moonday, Tyr's Day, Woden's Day, Thurse Day, Frigga-Day, Satyr Day.

You keep wondering what year this is, as that whole time-travel thing has you confused.

The Futhark or the Theban alphabet (one of them) was the first alphabet you learned to write.

When someone says they have a headache, you pull out White Willow Bark and a Crystal Healing Kit.

You wonder why the Pope doesn't have any concubines in his position of obvious power.

Your candles outnumber your light bulbs.

Your telephone, computer, radio, television, or other electronic device is in a spot where you can protect the rest of the house from it.

You feel inclined to dance around and/or jump over a campfire, and keep piling wood on it because it's not a proper bonfire.

You go on religious pilgrimages that end up in or pass through (with a stop) any of the following: Nepal, the Burning Man festival, the woods (nearby or not), Stonehenge, the Pyramids or any other place with a usable pyramid, Salem (Massachusetts), Eerie (Indiana), Avalon, Atlantis, anywhere where there are standing stones or burial mounds, any cave with drawings older than the nation it's in, or pretty much any place wild.

You really do wonder why the faeries keep hiding from you... after all, you're one of them.

You keep getting mistaken by religious zealots for someone Satanic, or you are directly called by these same zealots a "devil-worshipper" or some such.

You like the movie "The Matrix" for its philosophical content more than its technological aspects.

You dislike the Christian Bible because it's "way too strict for fun-loving people."

You can accurately quote the Bible better than your Fundie neighbor, relate said scripture to parallel sources in other cultures and religions, and rebut it all from quotes of the Seth books or material you have channeled on your own.

You constantly wonder why all the decent people in the world are in hiding.


Changing Light Bulbs:

How many Gardernians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Can't tell you, Craft secret.
2) Still can't tell you, you're not Third Degree.
3) (in a low ominous tone) "Why do you want to know...initiate?"

How many Alexandrians does it take to change a light bulb?
1) Dunno - we haven't looked it up in the Gardnerian Book Of Shadows yet.
2) 13. One High Priestess to change the bulb, and 12 to hold her up under all that jewelry.
3) "Let's go see how the Gardnerians do it!"
4)One and 12 strangers in off the street.

How many Brit Trad Wiccans does it take to change a light bulb?
13. One to change the bulb, and 12 to mourn the passing of the old bulb.

How many Dianic Lesbian Witches does it take to...
THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many Dianic witches does it take to change a light bulb?
1. One, but that light bulb has really, REALLY, got to want to change!
2. None, they formed a support committee entitled, "Coping With Darkness."

How many Thelemites does it take to change a light bulb?
1) 93.
2) None - Thelemites embrace the dark as well as the light.
3) None - real Thelemites aren't afraid of the dark.
4) None, Crowley never wrote a book about it.

How many Druid's does it take to change a lightbulb?
501. One to change the bulb and 500 to align the > new stone.

How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a light bulb?
Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

How many Starhawk witches does it take to change a light bulb?
1) (plaintively) "There are starving villages in Africa that don't even HAVE light bulbs..."
2) A small group but the lightbulb must be accepting of the change.

How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
1) (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
2) None, you must first be initiated by a real witch before you can properly change a light bulb! {{{{{{aaagghhh}}}}}}

How many Frost "School of Wicca" witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Just you! That's right, YOU! And for only 赣 we'll send you our complete "Witches Magic Power of Light Bulb Changing Course" with real knowledge that you can apply this to ANY light bulb ANYwhere! Listen to the testimony of a young couple from Wisconsin who..."

How many Erisians does it take to change a light bulb?
"How many have we got?"

How many Discordians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Five Tons.

How many Wiccans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Four. One for each direction.

How many members of IOT does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Sorry, that ritual is copyrighted.

How many Proteans does it take to change a light bulb?
I can't tell you--we never change a light bulb the same way twice! :}

How many Buckland witches does it take to change a light bulb?
"Refer to my second book, "Practical Light Bulb Changing" by Raymond Buckland..."

How many Tantrics does it take to change a light bulb?
2, as long as the lamp is by the bed...

How many Ceremonial magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They hold it up, and the world revolves around them.

How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that lightbulbs never burned out before those Christians came along.

How many New-agers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow.
2) A whole workshop. They gather around and enshrine the dead bulb with crystals and candles. Then they start chanting in hopes that the bulb will find it's chi. Afterwords, they pay their 贶.00 membership dues then go home.

How many ADF druids does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to change the bulb, one to write a song about how much better the old bulb was, and four to write conflicting parodies of the second Druid's song.

How many Fam-Trads does it take to change a light bulb?
Go ask your own grandmother!

How many shamans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just change shape into a cat or bat, and can see in the dark.

How many Radical Faeries does it take to change a light bulb?
Two, one to change the bulb and the other to stand back and shriek, "FABULOUS?"

How many Eclectics does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they are used to working in the dark.

How many Asatru does it take to change a lightbulb?
"Lightbulb, what is lightbulb?"

How many Scientologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, but it cost 跌,000 for the training. (had to throw that in)

[ErebusNamtar]

Oooh some new ones I didn't know yet, great! [lol]