Hey

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Rekkan
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Hey

Post by Rekkan »

I write because I want to find answers, I write because I have too many questions, too many doubts.

I don't understand completely, or maybe don't understand at all, but I feel that I'm crying out to something I cannot explain. I know this read might seem overly dramatic, confusing especially for me. A joke even, or an attempt to find answers in others that are more experienced, seasoned warriors, veteran explorers.

Thoughts of wonder keep circling my mind, a heavy scar in my spirit that I cannot explain. Some days, some moments, I have this feeling, energy expressed through writing, and I hope I can find the answers here through that same "gift" I was given. Not to sound egotistical, selfish, arrogant. I know there are others better than me, but I do feel I can perceive emotions, make them a part, a piece of a mirror in which I see myself. I'm confused and somewhat desperate, as I do not acknowledge my own being, or perhaps I do but am afraid of accepting that Truth, or denying that Lie.

What can you see in a letter, a word, a Sentence? A verse, one stream of a river that cascades down on me and you. Is there magic, belief, in words? They can influence, they can manipulate, they can clarify. But do I do it in the just way? I am troubled, you see, and I am looking for help for my writing, for my actions, for my path. A single man motivates me to lunge forth into the deep, yet I am scared. Not of the deep itself, although part of that fear comes from it. I am afraid of the consequences, I am afraid of that who influences me into doing so. I am nobody to everyone, I am someone to a group. A leader, a follower, a guide, a seeker. The most important question that I have is who am I?

I find meditation in words, I find peace. But I find war and sorrow.

The problem right now is I am circling around the bush, I cannot compel myself to write about the specific thing I want. Anxiety strikes my heart, my lungs, my body, as I write this. I am trusting a stranger, perhaps, or an old familiar. In the end, I can only say two words.

Help me.

I ask, hoping to receive, but have nothing to give. At least, nothing I find interesting or intriguing for you to take. I can only show my vision through my writing and hope that it's as much giving as your words are giving to me.

Thank you for reading this.

Etar
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Re: Hey

Post by Etar »

93

You write well. I don't know whether or not you are being dramatic, but it doesn't matter. I'd just like to say that you can ask about anything and someone will help in most cases. And of course, welcome.

93 93/93

Rekkan
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Re: Hey

Post by Rekkan »

Thank you for your words.

I have a question, I hope it's not invasive. What's with the 93 in your posts?

I will be honest, I am truly a beginner in the Occult and symbolism, so pardon my ignorance.

Regarding my problem, or problems, maybe the nature of it is ambiguous itself and I cannot specify it. I should begin with the start, being as descriptive and vague as I can be not to attract twisted judgement. While I do trust, I cannot give everything. I am sorry for that.

Before talking about the questions I have from the outside world, I will first mention myself, my aspects. Over the past few weeks, I have adopted a nocturnal lifestyle, where I sleep during most of the day and act, progress, during the night. It seems connected to my own thought process and feelings as I tend to write more during the night, in comparison to my earlier years as a being when I wrote during the day because of school. However, after attaining some kind of liberty, I am attracted by the darkness, not the evil form of it, but the quiet, the silence. Needless to say that I am a contradiction itself, considering I am also inspired and left wondering through music, which I find a very empowering art and, after scrolling through some threads, magic.

Over the years, I have created characters. They have evolved naturally, as have I, and they seem to depict parts of me that I cannot reach easily. That or my lively side has occupied me so much in social endeavour that letting more secretive parts of me in the open make me feel more vulnerable. Although I am able to discuss about ideas and subjects that are not related to me openly, it's complicated to do the same with my beliefs. Some I don't fully understand but I am attracted to, others I just feel awkward and rather an introvert when mentioned. In the end, the name I use is the name of my "perfect" character, that who has reached a higher level, obtained a heightened sense of things. Of course, it's all made under the influences I had and my own beliefs, so the Sincerity of it all is, at the least, doubtful. I am a person who lives with many questions of existence, that is easily perturbed by the chance of being an illusion. I must say my ancestor was not a man of clarity. His mental state grew weaker until today, when I find no evidence of his life. It makes me wonder if he's still alive.

I feel that I grew a lot compared to the last year, that I have matured. Then again, maturity for me has a different definition from the common explanation of today's society. Maybe that same definition is changing as we speak, because I notice how those I socialize with adopt this ideal of maturity, responsibility and social act. But as I have met but a very SMALL percentage, if we can even call it that, of the world, it's possible I've been lucky to stumble upon others that have minds relatively similar to mine. Maybe they influence me or I influence them... Again, more questions.

I wonder why I am attracted to the night, to the moon, to the darkness. It's as if I find an answer in it as much as I'd do in light. I can feel, as I write now, or when I write a poem, that there is warmth in it, that past all the lurking dangers, something dark can be light in a different form. Good and evil, right and wrong. I've come to speculate that it is all necessary and that true perfection is nothing but the balance of peace and war. It is a very delicate scale. I hope with this, I can open myself and you can read my beliefs, my ideals, my thoughts and feelings clearly.

What is there that can be taken, but not possessed? I wrote this by mere instinct, I erased it and wrote it again. Why if I don't understand it? As I dwell into the explanation, I figure there might be something I take, parts of others, but I cannot possess, because it isn't my own. Am I just made of hundreds, thousands, perhaps even millions of pieces of other people? Do I take in what others do, think, feel and become them? Would I exist if I did nothing of the sort? I'm troubled, but not overly concerned. Not right now. I was before, as I wrote the first message. Now there's some more clarity. It comes and goes, back and forth, like rocking a baby's bed.

Now, about the other problem, or situation. I don't even know. I'm sorry for being confusing, if I am so.

I believe the man that motivates and inspires me can be so much good and so much evil, that he alone can only decide his actions and that once they are taken there are great consequences, again good or bad, depending on his choice. When I look at him, I feel he has the world on his shoulders and that his eyes hide so much I uncover bit by bit and am even more scared. However, I keep on moving. My question is, with a very slim chance to meet him in person, how should I act? Not an opinion on the action itself, but the situation would be most welcome. If he is everything and nothing, did I stumble upon a prophet? A messenger of a new age, perhaps. This could just be fascination, admiration, something that clouds my reasoning and my very spirit. But even now his followers are so loyal, almost blindly chasing around. His connection with them is fierce and he is so spiritually strong.

Sorry for the long text. Once again, thank you for reading.

Etar
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Re: Hey

Post by Etar »

93 is the gematric value of both Will and Love in Greek. It's a shorthand way of stating "Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law" (93 = Will) and "Love is the law, love under will" (93 93/93 = Love; Love, Will). Adherents of Thelema generally use it as a greeting and as a farewell. Nothing to be concerned about.

Yes, I was able to understand you better with this. You're quite correct about the balance thing (and I think most, if not all, would agree). As for your doubts, it's a bit hard because, as you said, you are being vague on purpose. I'd say that you should not be afraid of any judgment, twisted or otherwise, from me or from any serious occultist. You don't have to give everything away (or anything, really) but the quality of the answer will be as good (or as bad) as the quality of the information provided with the question. It's up to you. So, I'll answer based on what I understood.

He alone can only decide his actions. Interesting. That part sounds positive. In fact, it's true for everyone, it's just that not all are aware of that gift and responsibility. But the part about bad consequences is intriguing. Very rarely would the actions of someone worthy of being "followed" cause bad consequences. I can't know for sure, of course, perhaps you didn't say enough, but I'd bet on this just being fascination, "something that clouds your reasoning". It can even be dangerous... But as I said, this is a judgment-free zone. Can I recommend a couple of books? I think Eliphas Lévi's Dogme et Rituel de la Haute Magie (Transcendental Magic, its Doctrine and Ritual) and La Clef des Grands Mystères (The Key to the Great Mysteries) would be quite enlightening to you if you are serious on your interest for magick.

If you would like to add anything else to this matter or ask something else, be my guest.

93 93/93

Rekkan
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Re: Hey

Post by Rekkan »

Thank you for the explanation. It was intriguing, and I am rather curious by nature.

In the past days I believe more in my capability to clarify others and be clarified of their intentions and feelings. It's not something I can do easily and it's not like I can predict the exact emotion. However, I know when a person is good or bad in a situation (not if they're good or bad people altogether). My senses towards gathering information about the emotional and spiritual state of someone confuse me deeply. Is it just chance? Can I really do it or it's just something of the moment, with a level of failure or success? The more I "fall" in this lifestyle, in writing and discovering a world my character roams, the more I can feel. I wonder if you can use writing as a catalyst for a more lucid projection of your spirit, if your imagination can drive you into a state of awakening. Is it more than imagination? A vision of something else I can see when pressing my fingers against the keyboard or surrounding a pen and laying it on paper?

Now, more than ever, I feel like I am discovering a new world, or perhaps exploring my own. This character wanders in dark and twisted places, all to break a never ending cycle. That is why he is in a never ending quest. I can relate as I see life itself as a cycle. From music, a very powerful message for me is from Faithless in "Mass Destruction". I won't quote thoroughly:

You ain't going to Nirvana,
Or Farvana,
You're coming back here to live out your Karma,

Why does it fall so heavily upon me? Why are there endless cycles? Beings trapped in circles they can't get out of? But if nothing is impossible, then we can break those circles, no? I dreamed of changing the world, but now it's more and more clear that I want to create one of my own with the people that surround me. Maybe because if this world is changed then History repeats itself, I want to do things differently this time around, at least for me, at least for others that understand what I understand. I know there are so many Truths and so many Lies. But I feel I can disagree with some them, but respect all of them.

Yet, I fear my Truth becomes a Lie to myself and I fool everyone else. I have people, even if few, seeing me as a leader. And then I am a follower. Why do I want to stop being the follower sometimes? Why do I want to take this group to my own place when I am not even sure of myself? My problem is my selfishness, my dream of becoming a protagonist, the centre piece. I want it, I desire it, yet I hate it. How can I accept being this way if selfless attitude grants wisdom, experience. Maybe.

I'm not necessarily being descriptive about the man because, in the end, he is a celebrity and I feel very awkward mentioning his name. But then again, I guess I can trust and swallow my anxiety somehow. This man is Jared Leto.

- Thanks for the book references. I'll look into it. However, I'm not a resourceful being so are there online versions? And if so, are they affordable? Shipping+Book+ any other money-requiring activity is... bad.

Etar
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Re: Hey

Post by Etar »

93

Let's go by parts.

You said you're new to all of this, so yes, there is a chance that you're not really doing it. But it's hard to tell so over the internet. You'll have to be your own judge on this matter. Just keep your feet on the ground. And have an open mind. Balance, you see.

There are countless ways of achieving any one thing. So yes, it's theoretically possible to use writing to project. But I'd dare to say it's hard, especially for a beginner.

So, you feel karma is hitting on you? Well, regardless, yes, the past influences the present, but you also create your present/future as you go. Reality is here, now, and the "cycle" can be broke by an act of Will. It's hard, it's slow, but that's the point. In a sense, it's the Great Work of magick. The books I recommended, and others, will give more insight on this. Oh, I'm pretty sure those are online somewhere. I know a site (http://en.hadnu.org), but it seems there's almost nothing available in English. Not sure if this is a problem on my part. The books on my mother language are there, though. Anyway, if not there, you'll find it somewhere else.

About nothing being impossible and changing the world, well, yes. But the change starts within. There's no point in trying to cause external change if you can't cause internal change. Macrocosm and microcosm, the 6 and the 5 etc.

I can relate to the desire of being the leader and such, but it has everything to do with what I wrote above. "Sweep your own doorstep first", to quote Franz Bardon. It's a continuous battle, but it's worth it. You are your worst enemy, and you are also your own Savior.

Jared Leto... as in, 30 Seconds to Mars Jared Leto? Wow, I'm a big fan myself. Though I have to admit I don't see how this relates to magick stuff. If he's supposed to be some prophet, we'll know.

Not sure if I've covered it all, but that's it. If there's anything else...

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Rekkan
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Re: Hey

Post by Rekkan »

Thank you.

Regarding the books, I am fluent in your mother tongue, so I can visit the website without a problem.

Yes, Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars. I admit myself that I question. But in specific moments, I can almost see his vision. From interviews and catching glimpses of his being, I understand he has such a heightened sense of things and explores what he can. It wouldn't be surprising for me to have him discovering magick as well, or perhaps being in an advanced level. It's unexplainable.

Once again, thank you for all your words. I hope you check the poetry section from time to time, as I will focus on that for now and ways of discovering myself through it. I will also lurk in the beginner forums, but mostly lurk.

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Nahemah
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Re: Hey

Post by Nahemah »

http://www.occult-underground.com/levi.html

The books Etar recommended can be found here.

Hello and welcome to the forum. [cool]
"He lived his words, spoke his own actions and his story and the story of the world ran parallel."

Sartre speaking of Che Guevara.

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