Hello, Kinda long introduction..

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Lykan
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Hello, Kinda long introduction..

Post by Lykan »

I was always skeptical about magick and thought it was just a fantasy until after a lot of hardship, indescribable pain and an unlikely friend opened my eyes to the truth. It all started when I was pretty young, I suffer from what my doctor called "sleep paralysis".

At first these episodes didn't happen but once every couple of months, but then they started happening more frequently almost once every other week sometimes more. My parents Stopped caring so much after the doctor told them they are harmless and I will grow out of them. But truth be told they are not harmless to an 8 year old, and if any of you have experienced them you will know why. During these episodes I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I felt like I couldn't breath, and then there was the shadow. It was always there standing over me looking down at me with that face, a face I can never forget.

Now that I'm 25, I can still see that face and even now just thinking about it gives me chills. It went on like this for awhile and when I had and episode I would fight like hell to overcome it but it was no use, so I learned to just accept it and wait for it to pass.

The more frequent these episodes became the more aware I became, until one day it wasn't the shadow standing there looking over me, I was the one looking down at my sleeping body, at first I thought i was hallucinating but I was able to walk around, float, move through walls and even manipulate my surroundings. And it wasn't always these episodes that allowed me to do this. When I was 9, I was diagnosed with Crohns disease (google it if you need to know) so I've spent a lot of my life in the hospital.

During my senior year of high school I spent 6 months in the hospital due to a massive infection. The infection caused my brain to get so hot my body shut down and I went into a coma. During this time some days were like dreams while others I was in complete control of myself and my surroundings I was able to walk all over the hospital and no matter how far I wandered it was like I was tethered to my body and would be standing right over it by just thinking about it. the part I distinctively remember is when I was sitting next to myself on my bed looking out a window at the sun going down and the warmth on my face, this feeling of euphoria washed over me, the feeling is indescribable, it was better than any orgasm I have ever had, it was like my whole body was vibrating and I heard a voice telling me everything will be alright and to remember this about myself "I AM".

When I woke up I thought I had been asleep for maybe a day or two but the nurse told me I had been out for over 2 months. When I talked about what I had experienced I was told they were just fever dreams. The next incident happened not long after I had turned 20. I was going through a pretty rough time and had made a few mistakes, while i was at my parents visiting they were lecturing me and criticizing me over some of my recent choices. I remember I was so angry they wouldn't give me a chance to speak and explain myself.

I was sitting at the kitchen table while my mom was standing at the sink facing away from me and my dad was leaning against the fridge giving me that look that means he agrees with whatever my mom says. I wasn't expecting what happened but I was so angry my mom kept talking down to me like a child, that i slammed my fist down on the table. Everything on the table went flying off in all directions. My mom who was facing the sink when it happened assumed I had knocked everything off the table and was furious, My dad on the other hand was looking at me the whole time and seen everything and was silent. To this day he hasn't said a word to me about it and as far as I know has never told my mother. I chalked it up to freak coincidence until my latest year long stay in the hospital.

In 2014 I had just finished my mid terms and was walking out to my truck when I collapsed and blacked out from pain. when I came to everyone from my class was standing around me I told them I was fine and got in my truck and drove home. Truth be told I should not have been behind the wheel the pain was so bad I couldn't see strait and could barely think. When I got to my apartment I drew a hot bath, got super stoned, and tried to fall asleep thinking that it would make the pain go away but it hurt so bad there was no way I could sleep so my only choice was to drive to my parents for help. I seriously almost died on the way because the pain was causing triple vision.

When I got there I remember crawling to the front door and opening it up and just screaming for someone to take me to the hospital. The last thing I remember is my dad carrying me to his truck. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the hospital with a couple huge tubes down my throat, 3 different IVs in my arms and wrist, a picc line in my neck and a sharp pain in my abdomen but nowhere near as bad as before. I found out they had to remove all of my large intestine and all but a short piece of my small intestine because what had happened was my intestines ruptured causing their contents to spill out into my abdominal cavity causing severe infection which they had to vacuum and wash it all out and then sewed me back up leaving me with 6 inches of small intestine and an Ileostomy.

I spent the next 12 and a half months recovering and reading because really that's all there is to do in a hospital. I did have some pretty cute nurses though so it wasn't all bad. It was during this time that I started having frequent episodes again, during one of these episodes I was walking past the grand piano in the main lobby of the hospital and I saw another person for the first time. As many of these episodes as I've had I have never seen any other person besides the shadow, not even people that should be standing right there. He was a young man only 15 at the time sitting in the lobby next to the piano, I sat down and he was just as excited to see me. we talked for what seemed like hours, about how we got there, what or where "there" was, the things we can do, and how we learned it all, and then he gave me his room number so we could talk when we were awake.

The next morning I went to visit him in his room and I found out he is a double amputee and lost both of his legs, and he also spends a lot of time in the hospital due to Diabetes. He told me I should google Astral Projection, so I did. That lead me to some of the darker parts of the internet and to many websites on the occult but then I started making connections everywhere I read, so after that I devoted my time recovering to studying basically anything arcane. One thing that caught my interest was traditional Chi, because while in those Sleep Paralysis states I could feel the life energy flowing through me and everything around me and I was able to manipulate it and give it form through visualization. Even though this was basically in my dreams I can still feel that energy while I'm awake although its very faint and very hard to focus. I feel like that's the energy that caused the stuff to push off the table those years ago.

About a year ago I found a video about Chi and creating a "Chi Ball" in your hands, after some practice I was able to feel the "magnetic" like force between my palms. Its hard to explain the feeling because its not like magnets pulling together, its more like the energy coming from my left hand is attracted to the energy coming from my right hand.

The more I read I found sites saying its a natural feeling and is just muscles reacting to stimuli from the brain. With more research I found a test made for debunking telekinesis, where you make a pin wheel out of paper and a needle and put it under a clear glass mixing bowl and try to use your "Chi" to spin the pin wheel. It took me a few tries at first until I understood how to properly channel that energy to my hands and at first it would spin then stop, spin then wobble, but after awhile it became easy my girlfriend at the time though it was amazing I didn't go into detail I just told her it was a magic trick but she loved it. Not enough to stay with me though!

I still have a lot of trouble channeling and focusing my energy but for practice now the most I can do Is keep a 4 inch Nail balanced on its tip or keep a quarter spinning continually. My best friend thinks there "pretty neat tricks" even when I explained how it is I am doing it, I always figured he would have a little more imagination... When I finally got out of the hospital I focused more on trying to have a life and getting used to living without intestines instead of studying magick, but now that I'm happy with where I'm at and who I am, I want to focus on who I can become.

So that's why I am here, I hope maybe to meet people who may understand and can relate and that can help me learn and grow. Thanks for reading!
Last edited by Lykan on Wed Jan 18, 2017 1:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Ušušur
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Re: Hello, Kinda long introduction..

Post by Ušušur »

Hi and welcome to the forum. I'm gonna quote your post and make it more readable, it's just that it's really hard to read that single block of text, hope you don't mind. Cheers!
Lykan wrote:I was always skeptical about magick and thought it was just a fantasy until after a lot of hardship, indescribable pain and an unlikely friend opened my eyes to the truth. It all started when I was pretty young, I suffer from what my doctor called "sleep paralysis".

At first these episodes didn't happen but once every couple of months, but then they started happening more frequently almost once every other week sometimes more. My parents Stopped caring so much after the doctor told them they are harmless and I will grow out of them. But truth be told they are not harmless to an 8 year old, and if any of you have experienced them you will know why. During these episodes I couldn't move, I couldn't talk, I felt like I couldn't breath, and then there was the shadow. It was always there standing over me looking down at me with that face, a face I can never forget.

Now that I'm 25, I can still see that face and even now just thinking about it gives me chills. It went on like this for awhile and when I had and episode I would fight like hell to overcome it but it was no use, so I learned to just accept it and wait for it to pass.

The more frequent these episodes became the more aware I became, until one day it wasn't the shadow standing there looking over me, I was the one looking down at my sleeping body, at first I thought i was hallucinating but I was able to walk around, float, move through walls and even manipulate my surroundings. And it wasn't always these episodes that allowed me to do this. When I was 9, I was diagnosed with Crohns disease (google it if you need to know) so I've spent a lot of my life in the hospital.

During my senior year of high school I spent 6 months in the hospital due to a massive infection. The infection caused my brain to get so hot my body shut down and I went into a coma. During this time some days were like dreams while others I was in complete control of myself and my surroundings I was able to walk all over the hospital and no matter how far I wandered it was like I was tethered to my body and would be standing right over it by just thinking about it. the part I distinctively remember is when I was sitting next to myself on my bed looking out a window at the sun going down and the warmth on my face, this feeling of euphoria washed over me, the feeling is indescribable, it was better than any orgasm I have ever had, it was like my whole body was vibrating and I heard a voice telling me everything will be alright and to remember this about myself "I AM".

When I woke up I thought I had been asleep for maybe a day or two but the nurse told me I had been out for over 2 months. When I talked about what I had experienced I was told they were just fever dreams. The next incident happened not long after I had turned 20. I was going through a pretty rough time and had made a few mistakes, while i was at my parents visiting they were lecturing me and criticizing me over some of my recent choices. I remember I was so angry they wouldn't give me a chance to speak and explain myself.

I was sitting at the kitchen table while my mom was standing at the sink facing away from me and my dad was leaning against the fridge giving me that look that means he agrees with whatever my mom says. I wasn't expecting what happened but I was so angry my mom kept talking down to me like a child, that i slammed my fist down on the table. Everything on the table went flying off in all directions. My mom who was facing the sink when it happened assumed I had knocked everything off the table and was furious, My dad on the other hand was looking at me the whole time and seen everything and was silent. To this day he hasn't said a word to me about it and as far as I know has never told my mother. I chalked it up to freak coincidence until my latest year long stay in the hospital.

In 2014 I had just finished my mid terms and was walking out to my truck when I collapsed and blacked out from pain. when I came to everyone from my class was standing around me I told them I was fine and got in my truck and drove home. Truth be told I should not have been behind the wheel the pain was so bad I couldn't see strait and could barely think. When I got to my apartment I drew a hot bath, got super stoned, and tried to fall asleep thinking that it would make the pain go away but it hurt so bad there was no way I could sleep so my only choice was to drive to my parents for help. I seriously almost died on the way because the pain was causing triple vision.

When I got there I remember crawling to the front door and opening it up and just screaming for someone to take me to the hospital. The last thing I remember is my dad carrying me to his truck. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the hospital with a couple huge tubes down my throat, 3 different IVs in my arms and wrist, a picc line in my neck and a sharp pain in my abdomen but nowhere near as bad as before. I found out they had to remove all of my large intestine and all but a short piece of my small intestine because what had happened was my intestines ruptured causing their contents to spill out into my abdominal cavity causing severe infection which they had to vacuum and wash it all out and then sewed me back up leaving me with 6 inches of small intestine and an Ileostomy.

I spent the next 12 and a half months recovering and reading because really that's all there is to do in a hospital. I did have some pretty cute nurses though so it wasn't all bad. It was during this time that I started having frequent episodes again, during one of these episodes I was walking past the grand piano in the main lobby of the hospital and I saw another person for the first time. As many of these episodes as I've had I have never seen any other person besides the shadow, not even people that should be standing right there. He was a young man only 15 at the time sitting in the lobby next to the piano, I sat down and he was just as excited to see me. we talked for what seemed like hours, about how we got there, what or where "there" was, the things we can do, and how we learned it all, and then he gave me his room number so we could talk when we were awake.

The next morning I went to visit him in his room and I found out he is a double amputee and lost both of his legs, and he also spends a lot of time in the hospital due to Diabetes. He told me I should google Astral Projection, so I did. That lead me to some of the darker parts of the internet and to many websites on the occult but then I started making connections everywhere I read, so after that I devoted my time recovering to studying basically anything arcane. One thing that caught my interest was traditional Chi, because while in those Sleep Paralysis states I could feel the life energy flowing through me and everything around me and I was able to manipulate it and give it form through visualization. Even though this was basically in my dreams I can still feel that energy while I'm awake although its very faint and very hard to focus. I feel like that's the energy that caused the stuff to push off the table those years ago.

About a year ago I found a video about Chi and creating a "Chi Ball" in your hands, after some practice I was able to feel the "magnetic" like force between my palms. Its hard to explain the feeling because its not like magnets pulling together, its more like the energy coming from my left hand is attracted to the energy coming from my right hand.

The more I read I found sites saying its a natural feeling and is just muscles reacting to stimuli from the brain. With more research I found a test made for debunking telekinesis, where you make a pin wheel out of paper and a needle and put it under a clear glass mixing bowl and try to use your "Chi" to spin the pin wheel. It took me a few tries at first until I understood how to properly channel that energy to my hands and at first it would spin then stop, spin then wobble, but after awhile it became easy my girlfriend at the time though it was amazing I didn't go into detail I just told her it was a magic trick but she loved it. Not enough to stay with me though!

I still have a lot of trouble channeling and focusing my energy but for practice now the most I can do Is keep a 4 inch Nail balanced on its tip or keep a quarter spinning continually. My best friend thinks there "pretty neat tricks" even when I explained how it is I am doing it, I always figured he would have a little more imagination... When I finally got out of the hospital I focused more on trying to have a life and getting used to living without intestines instead of studying magick, but now that I'm happy with where I'm at and who I am, I want to focus on who I can become.

So that's why I am here, I hope maybe to meet people who may understand and can relate and that can help me learn and grow. Thanks for reading!

Lykan
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Re: Hello, Kinda long introduction..

Post by Lykan »

Thank you! Typing long posts on a cell phone is a little rough, the way you put it is much easier read!

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Nahemah
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Re: Hello, Kinda long introduction..

Post by Nahemah »

Hi and welcome to the forum. [cool]
"He lived his words, spoke his own actions and his story and the story of the world ran parallel."

Sartre speaking of Che Guevara.

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