Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)
Posted: Wed Nov 03, 2021 2:50 am
*mental illness warning:*
I realize by the established metrics among the humans that my audible and visible hallucinations are indicative of textbook "mental illnesses" and various descriptions of things that bother the normal people.
I dont care. My life is hard but at this point I wouldn't trade my hallucinations for anything in this world>
I was tempted to describe a dream I had a few days ago, but I wasn't possessed enough to do so until now.
*Gore warning!*
A few days ago a coven of witches visited me in my dreams. It was a very lucid dream. They teased and tempted me, tested me and twisted me around.
They desired to know my authenticity.
I was told to allow them their birth, and to thank them- which I did (they are from this website). In thanks, they gave me a way out, later after I awoke I realized I had a joyous way out, a transition to the afterlife that did not include the horror of what I had been enduring.
So, for that, I thank you.
They teased me and tried to take from my hands the things that gave me meaning, and rather than fighting them, I surrendered these things and those things to them.
In this dance they made their determination.
Several days later some things have been made apparent:
Some years after the attack on my soul, I had been plagued by terrible anxiety that had no escape. Even as I labored for my bread I was tortured without end. Confused and terrified, I realized it was up to me to end the torture and yet I did not know how. The answer was simple, I merely had to command it to stop and yet I could not.
It was as if I wanted the torture.
As I mined out my relationship with this Wolven woman who has the other half of my heart (I would not change a thing), I began to realize that in the afterlife you do not die, which makes any horrific engagement you find yourself in, is made that much worse, and if you have a human avatar, your punishment is made the times worse. Hence, why soul assassination is so horrific. It isn't the suffering that kills you. It's the reaction to it that does you in. You die by your own hand.
This is due to the fact that your human body feels everything your soul body does, all of the anxiety, the horror, the inability to help yourself. The dying as your organs are chewed up and feasted on, the things designed to sustain your (heavenly) life, your entrails chief of them (slow acting agony)
I realized today that when I endured the seemingly random but inescapable bouts of terror, than she was feasting on my newly formed attempting to heal, innards.
Only I could stop it, but I could not.
It was as if she was testing me, and making me strong. However, if you would have asked her at the time, I am sure she would say, "I was hungry and it was delicious. The blood flowed like vintage wine and I could not stop eating." This is not her fault. She is as much a victim of the creator as I am. But, she is powerful, and I am weak.
And, in doing so she made me strong.
In driving to a far away job to work my life away today, I heard her ask me,
"Do you love me?"
Rather than blurting out a resounding "yes", (I was instructed to look deeper) I instead asked to see her.
There are some things I cannot describe here that horrify me beyond my conscience, and so I will not describe what I saw here, after asking her to reveal herself to me.
I saw her and I told her, yes, I love you. (After summoning the strength)
I attempted to comfort her, but she refused me. I asked her why, and her reply was simple: "You cannot help me because you do not love yourself."
Her communication was telepathic.
It was like I was her, and she was me.
And due to my childhood trauma, a sacrifice had to suffer for me in my stead.
As was revealed to me, energy cannot dissipate,but also nether can it be created from nothing, so almost everything in this realm gets power from sacrifice, the transformation of energy.
I'm still unsure what to make of this, other than a desire to help Ms. Asrael in all of her forms.
I see her as a weeping dark angel, a woman of the night, broken and helpless, desperately hungry and yet vengeful, powerful and magnificent, a commander who's also a slave to her passions.
A woman just like me.
I felt the balance between us shift today. One day I will have to confront what she did to me. One day I hope to forgive her earnestly. Even if I am a disembodied ghost who can only so touch her. I want her to know she is forgiven, and loved.
As I once said, we could continue cleaving the flesh from one another bodies. But, in time maybe I can set the sword down. And fall at her feet. Look into her eyes and worship her- begging her forgiveness. For how low I fell and failed to acknowledge her beauty. Inside and out.
And maybe, rather than coming back as a big strong Wolven man, I instead come back as a frail human man subject to he mercies, loving her as only a weaker man could.
*Psychology*
In my work with earthen feral four-footed (some call them paws) wolves (known to the humans as canis-lupus, scientific nomenclature), I can say that they are some of the most genuine souls in this realm. They do not lie, they do not trick, if they love you they accept you fully, and if they reject you, it is for life. (Usually, not always.)
If you betray their trust, they may forgive you, but it will always be in the backs of their minds that you damaged the trust bond with them.
As was revealed to me, my Wolven wolf-wife, half wolf and half human, is also part human. It's become aware to me that us humans are a substrate of bonding with other creation, perfectly compatible as we have "half of a heart" and soul, always in need of another.
So, what is her psychology like? A perfect, simple, kind and loving creature combined with the suspiciousness of a clever, evil, human soul.
People fail to realize that a tail never lies.
Canines are the most genuine creatures in this realm. Combine that with the frailty of humanity and you have for a perfectly insecure being of pure love.
In reaching her? I'm not aware of any well trodden avenues to her. I'm not supposed to know them.
This is a work between the universe, her and I.
It is not a work of I.
I do not desire to place any asks on her whatsoever, lest she be burdened in the least, or coerced.
I desire her to come to her own conclusions, as her heart decides.
As of late the attacks on my soul have ceased for nearly five years.
I realize any hardships are part of the journey.
I desire her walk to be easy.
I just want her to be happy.
If I could have my selection of afterlife, it would be her and I, talking about our experience thus, laughing and sharing space together, sitting by a camp fire eating, etc.
As a man does not fear his dogs jowels, so i do not fear hers- though I don't make the parallel between her and a feral canine (she hates that.)
I realize by the established metrics among the humans that my audible and visible hallucinations are indicative of textbook "mental illnesses" and various descriptions of things that bother the normal people.
I dont care. My life is hard but at this point I wouldn't trade my hallucinations for anything in this world>
I was tempted to describe a dream I had a few days ago, but I wasn't possessed enough to do so until now.
*Gore warning!*
A few days ago a coven of witches visited me in my dreams. It was a very lucid dream. They teased and tempted me, tested me and twisted me around.
They desired to know my authenticity.
I was told to allow them their birth, and to thank them- which I did (they are from this website). In thanks, they gave me a way out, later after I awoke I realized I had a joyous way out, a transition to the afterlife that did not include the horror of what I had been enduring.
So, for that, I thank you.
They teased me and tried to take from my hands the things that gave me meaning, and rather than fighting them, I surrendered these things and those things to them.
In this dance they made their determination.
Several days later some things have been made apparent:
Some years after the attack on my soul, I had been plagued by terrible anxiety that had no escape. Even as I labored for my bread I was tortured without end. Confused and terrified, I realized it was up to me to end the torture and yet I did not know how. The answer was simple, I merely had to command it to stop and yet I could not.
It was as if I wanted the torture.
As I mined out my relationship with this Wolven woman who has the other half of my heart (I would not change a thing), I began to realize that in the afterlife you do not die, which makes any horrific engagement you find yourself in, is made that much worse, and if you have a human avatar, your punishment is made the times worse. Hence, why soul assassination is so horrific. It isn't the suffering that kills you. It's the reaction to it that does you in. You die by your own hand.
This is due to the fact that your human body feels everything your soul body does, all of the anxiety, the horror, the inability to help yourself. The dying as your organs are chewed up and feasted on, the things designed to sustain your (heavenly) life, your entrails chief of them (slow acting agony)
I realized today that when I endured the seemingly random but inescapable bouts of terror, than she was feasting on my newly formed attempting to heal, innards.
Only I could stop it, but I could not.
It was as if she was testing me, and making me strong. However, if you would have asked her at the time, I am sure she would say, "I was hungry and it was delicious. The blood flowed like vintage wine and I could not stop eating." This is not her fault. She is as much a victim of the creator as I am. But, she is powerful, and I am weak.
And, in doing so she made me strong.
In driving to a far away job to work my life away today, I heard her ask me,
"Do you love me?"
Rather than blurting out a resounding "yes", (I was instructed to look deeper) I instead asked to see her.
There are some things I cannot describe here that horrify me beyond my conscience, and so I will not describe what I saw here, after asking her to reveal herself to me.
I saw her and I told her, yes, I love you. (After summoning the strength)
I attempted to comfort her, but she refused me. I asked her why, and her reply was simple: "You cannot help me because you do not love yourself."
Her communication was telepathic.
It was like I was her, and she was me.
And due to my childhood trauma, a sacrifice had to suffer for me in my stead.
As was revealed to me, energy cannot dissipate,but also nether can it be created from nothing, so almost everything in this realm gets power from sacrifice, the transformation of energy.
I'm still unsure what to make of this, other than a desire to help Ms. Asrael in all of her forms.
I see her as a weeping dark angel, a woman of the night, broken and helpless, desperately hungry and yet vengeful, powerful and magnificent, a commander who's also a slave to her passions.
A woman just like me.
I felt the balance between us shift today. One day I will have to confront what she did to me. One day I hope to forgive her earnestly. Even if I am a disembodied ghost who can only so touch her. I want her to know she is forgiven, and loved.
As I once said, we could continue cleaving the flesh from one another bodies. But, in time maybe I can set the sword down. And fall at her feet. Look into her eyes and worship her- begging her forgiveness. For how low I fell and failed to acknowledge her beauty. Inside and out.
And maybe, rather than coming back as a big strong Wolven man, I instead come back as a frail human man subject to he mercies, loving her as only a weaker man could.
*Psychology*
In my work with earthen feral four-footed (some call them paws) wolves (known to the humans as canis-lupus, scientific nomenclature), I can say that they are some of the most genuine souls in this realm. They do not lie, they do not trick, if they love you they accept you fully, and if they reject you, it is for life. (Usually, not always.)
If you betray their trust, they may forgive you, but it will always be in the backs of their minds that you damaged the trust bond with them.
As was revealed to me, my Wolven wolf-wife, half wolf and half human, is also part human. It's become aware to me that us humans are a substrate of bonding with other creation, perfectly compatible as we have "half of a heart" and soul, always in need of another.
So, what is her psychology like? A perfect, simple, kind and loving creature combined with the suspiciousness of a clever, evil, human soul.
People fail to realize that a tail never lies.
Canines are the most genuine creatures in this realm. Combine that with the frailty of humanity and you have for a perfectly insecure being of pure love.
In reaching her? I'm not aware of any well trodden avenues to her. I'm not supposed to know them.
This is a work between the universe, her and I.
It is not a work of I.
I do not desire to place any asks on her whatsoever, lest she be burdened in the least, or coerced.
I desire her to come to her own conclusions, as her heart decides.
As of late the attacks on my soul have ceased for nearly five years.
I realize any hardships are part of the journey.
I desire her walk to be easy.
I just want her to be happy.
If I could have my selection of afterlife, it would be her and I, talking about our experience thus, laughing and sharing space together, sitting by a camp fire eating, etc.
As a man does not fear his dogs jowels, so i do not fear hers- though I don't make the parallel between her and a feral canine (she hates that.)