I'm feeling horrible, evil, sick and I'm scared.

[DarkSchneider]

Please stay with me here. I hope I'm not breaking the rules... I know there's only a limit to how much you people can help me. Only so much understanding that you can have. But I don't know where else to turn. I'm going to contact my therapist tomorrow first thing. But I need to get this out. I think some of you will understand me...

I don't hear voices necessarily but I feel like I need to do horrible, ugly things sometimes. I'm a recovering drug user. I once had really bad thoughts like people were out to get me, I would see shadowy people, and I would imagine people hiding from me or conspiring to do stuff to hurt me (when using drugs like pot or ketamine or whatever). I enjoy causing others to suffer and I have a fascination with the morbid. I've lost friends because of how frightened they were by my behavior. I take medication, and I know my body reacts badly to it. I would even use illegal drugs while using my medication to add to it.

Sometimes I feel like I'm chosen. Chosen to do these bad things and make the world a different place because it's the only way. To put force into it. I don't hear voices but I'm urged in my head to carry through behavior. I have intrusive thoughts too. Thoughts I don't easily control. Sometimes I would think those shadowy people were trying to recruit me in my dreams. They tell me to work for them and they'll give me what I want.

I remember intensely the people who have pushed me around all my life, who've caused me pain. I hate them, so much. I want to die sometimes. No one understands me. Everyone thinks I am lazy or stupid or fat, but I don't even want to live anymore, like this. I struggle to make sense of my life. Everyone mocking me, everyone laughing at me. Not even my best friend seems to understand me. Everyone abandons me.

I'm crying a bit. I don't know if I should even be posting this here I'm so scared right now. I just thought the anonymity and talking would help to clear my guilty heart. I'll calm down I promise...

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I'd suppose if you want to reduce this to it's fundamenntals - something in all of this makes you tremendously uncomfortable. You need to find the critical nugget of what that is and see if you identify with it or don't as well as if it's a rift between two sides of you how well you can reconcile it.

It sounds like an internal division where you have two parts of your nature and a part of you that's very much there with moral conscience that recoils at certain things. As for what people think - the only thing you can really do is sort out the internal side of this first and figure on sorting the external once that's accomplished.

For what it's worth some of my most profound supernatural experiences came when my brain was stuck chewing impossibly irreconcilable beliefs and was at the point of critical error. You may want to consider that one in relation to what you're seeing.

I don't know what resources you'd look to for critical self-analysis as a skill if you're looking to enhance the strength of your internal dialogue, other than to say just look at yourself as objectively as possible - avoid self-condemnation as much as possible in the process and just figure out - what can you do about the internal rift.

My best advice - reconcile the opposites as much as you can. The part of you that wants to be known as a good person - what does that part of you need? The part of you that wants to go in the dark direction - what does it need to find happiness? Can the two be synched to find peace with each other's operations? Can you even find certain abstract doors to synthesize the two together where the fuse do become one identity where you're not afraid of doing things to people nor too unfulfilled in the part of you that wants to explore those regions?

It just sounds like something's logically herniated and you need to find out what it is in order to true it up.

Let me know if that helps or makes any sense.

[DarkSchneider]

I'm calming down... I'll try to let this all sink in.

Thank you for your help.

This is how it feels like. Being stuck with a dual nature I'm not always proud of-- or sometimes indulging.

Honestly I just... don't want to be alive right now. But something deep down inside me reviles in this madness.

I feel guilty, yet prideful. Sorrowful, yet happy.

I don't know what it will take to find my happiness in that sense but I will do what it takes to find it, if it means getting better.

I will be contacting my therapist I reassure you. I'm really not a bad guy...

All I ever wanted was to find a place in this life. A way through out all of this darkness. This haziness, that's blocking me.

Forgive me if I'm not replying to every idea you put forth I'm just so confused and distracted tonight. Maybe I should go get some rest.

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

Forgive me if I'm not replying to every idea you put forth I'm just so confused and distracted tonight.

Don't worry about not responding.

I think you're big magical act at this point for coalescing your life will be to build a logic bridge between your opposites and get them to settle out, not one beating the other so much as each finding out ways that they can shape the manifestation of itself to coexist with the other peacefully. That could take months, year, even a life time, just that every inch you're able to gain will be worth it.

I was on antipsychotics and antidepressants from the time I was 11 till the time I was 19. They turned my brain to mush so badly that I really thought that I'd be getting out of high school to end up in an assisted living center. When I met some old friends of a close friend on an out of town trip and one happened to be someone who was going to school and studying neurochemistry he gave me a paper to read on the side effects of the antipsychotic, I noticed these were the bulk of what I was feeling, I pulled myself off the meds at that point - much to my parent's being worried about all kinds of automatic behavior from childhood they assumed would come back, it wasn't an easy struggle but I was able to get myself to that point. I eventually needed some light doses of ritalin to un-bend my chemistry but by and large it was a significant battle to get myself back.

Not saying I'm at all antimedication, just that the ones I was on had nothing to do with what I needed and my parents were sold a bill of goods that ate my teen years. I also had years of maturity to catch up on in a relatively short time, the need to pull my brain back from being accosted/molested by other people's emotional energies and domineering tendencies - it was a lot of work! Just saying it takes a lot of deliberate attention to take control of those pathways, but by the same token if it's a matter of taking your life back from a neurosis it's effort well spent.

[Nahemah]

DarkScchneider, nobody here thinks you are a bad person and it's not against the rules for you to post this. [thumbup]

It''s ok to get upset about bad things and bad people in your past too. You are human, none of us are perfect.

I don't have any amazing answers but many of us here have been through the wars regarding our mental health and wealth, so you are not alone and CyberJazz man speaks a lot of sense here.

I hope you can get some rest, it always helps.

More later.

[ErebusNamtar]

Sounds like you are in the dark place I was in a few years ago.
It's actually pretty common that when you were hurt by others you develop a tendency to hurt back. Sort of "do it to them before they do it to you". It doesn't make you evil, it makes you a person that has to deal with a lot of luggage from his past. You have felt powerless and you never want to feel that again so you put up not just a wall but a spiked wall.

I also have this side to me but rather than repressing it I express that energy in healthy ways without harming anyone. This switch from feeling these urges to making them part of yourself isn't easy and will need a lot of time combined with good counseling. Medication can assist but assist only. It is NOT the means to an end and if a therapist thinks that I advice you to seek another who actually deals with the issues at hand rather than sedate you.

I tend to have a good intuition when it comes to people and to me, you never come across as an evil person Or lazy or anything else for that matter. Just somebody trying to find his way. Aren't we all?

[Cygnus]

At least you can off-load here as a more immediate strategy.

I'm glad you've got a therapist you can call on, clearly you'll need someone to help you get through your problems.
My experiences have taught me that letting go of the past is essential and though it often seems impossible to eradicate completely, it is possible to get things under control eventually. Life is all about perseverance.

Good luck, and here's one of my favourite quotes that has helped me often


Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence.
Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent.
Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb.
Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts.
Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.
The slogan "Press On!" has solved, and always will solve,
the problems of the human race.

Calvin Coolidge, 30th President of the USA

[RoseRed]

You're human. We all have good and bad wound up inside of us. You reached out for help, you continue to reach out for help. You know you're heart and what kind of person you want to be. That should be applauded.

We all have that inside of us - most people just won't admit it. Some people have a harder struggle than others.

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison. You only hurt yourself. The people that were cruel to you - they have their own battles to fight and their own gods to answer to.

Forgiveness sounds so cliche but it sounds like you could benefit from that. Forgiving those that hurt you doesn't mean you forget or allow them to do it again. It frees you from the control you gave them over yourself.

I'm sorry that life is so difficult for you at times. Are you able to speak with your therapist as honestly and openly as you do here?

[EternalReturn]

I'm gonna try to explain my point of view that has stemmed from the battle for freedom from my christian upbringing. There has been the idea that a mere thought can be a sin. It shook me as a child and I felt guilty for having fantasies about girls, ideas of revenge and even this - desire to kill. I felt mighty guilty for the thoughts I had so that even today I'm plucking out the weeds.

What I have found in my reflections is something that shocked people as I always look as a good person and I try to help people around me - desire to kill is natural. We always had this better than god tendency. Our society demonized death and from everyday thing created a monster to be feared and driven with. Any idea concerning death is automatically bad.

But if someone hurt you really bad is it so strange to wish his death? Honestly, no. But you cannot be the better person than them if you walk the similar path as them and really do it. You would like to hurt them but there is no meaning in that, only short term satisfaction crushed mercilessly by the reality that unfolds as a consequence of it.

I believe that it could help you to accept that these feelings are natural and normal. To be a man though, you must not act on it. You are in control. If it becomes overwhelming - listen to the sounds around you, focus on the things, your senses, and scenes around you and observe for as long as your mind refuses to shut up.

Write furiously. Let that out on the paper and don't be reviled. But do not hold it in. Fight it one step at the time by letting it go.

[Napoli]

There is nothing wrong to feel in this way Dark Schneider. Just like Red Rose here said we all have our own battles to fight. There are timed I feel all alone, misanthropic and find life meaningless. It is during those days I feel like I have become a monster and it breaks me. I hate it but I don't see a way out yet. Medications for me has become a mockery of myself because they have made things worse.

Never be afraid to get help if you need to and it doesn't necessarily have to be limited to medical field. Remember that each of us have a good and bad side. Just because sometimes we can't help but let the latter get the best of us doesn't mean we are inherently bad. My teacher once told us something during my school days. Human beings are above angels because they have free will and angels don't. When a man does something good he does so while fighting against the temptation to sin. On the other hand the angels doesn't have the capability to sin and they are not subject to temptations. That's why in the eyes of God we are the most valuable creation. That's why we have a saying in my country that human brings are above all except God himself.

[RoseRed]

I just saw this on facebook and knew I had to share it with you, DS.

I think part of your frustration is that you know you are Seeking something but you don't know what exactly. You keep looking and searching and hoping that you'll know it when you find it. The problem with that is because we don't know what we're looking for - we overlook the small simple things. Those are the things that are most important.

I would like you to do something for me - for you - but knowing you did this would ease my heart when you get like this. Print out this picture. You can frame it if you like. You could even do a small ritual around it because it is that important.

When I look at you, what I see is just as beautiful & graceful. There is an innocence and purity evoked in this picture that reminds me of you. The dedication and practice to move your body in such a beautiful way is painful and fraught with injuries. And yet - look at the beauty that comes of it.

You want to be strong and powerful but there is so much more to strength than the physical or magical ability to crush those that have hurt you. It takes more strength to stand in your Integrity and Quest for a More Beautiful Life than it does to throw a sucker punch. When you look at this picture - do you see weakness?

I want you to remember that this is what I see when I look at you - even during your dark times.

[EEHC]

I think it would be helpful if you can find a good professional counsellor and pour it all out to him/her. Obviously you need assistance that I am afraid no one can really provide you with on an anonoymous discussion forum. A lot of us will need professional help at some point in our lives. It is perfectly normal, we are human beings and may have to go through tough times in this reality. You may be struggling with depression and it's important to check that out before you make irreperable harm to yourself or other people around you.

[RoseRed]

I keep checking in to see if he's posted how it went with the counselor he was supposed to call. DS comes and goes. If you look through the older posts - your very valid concerns have been addressed. Although, I do think they bear repeating on occasion.

[ErebusNamtar]

Wow RoseRed...beautiful post. You hit a nerve with me there too. Barriers are easy to construct but hard to tear down again. I allowed my last barrier to drop this week and it was scary...but found love had been staring me right in the face for a long time.
Uh...going full emo here sorry.

Take care DS, you can do this!

[DarkSchneider]

So everyone,

I've calmed down. I've seen my counselor, but, I still don't feel like I've accomplished much. Every time I come home from the hospital, I don't feel any more relieved. I'm back on square one. I know some of you posts are about how concerned you all are, so I'll post this then try to get back to a general post replying to what I can.

The thing about my counselor is, he doesn't acknowledge medication or making a diagnosis for anything. Whenever I tell him these things he tells me it's in my power to change it all. I dunno... he's a good guy but I don't always feel like I get "work done" with him. My old therapist was real rude to me. He's there mostly to talk to if I need encouragement but we usually talk about how I need to get on track in life. Bleh.

It's the night before Halloween. I'm home alone. Depressed. I ate a little. Made some jewelry. Bad thoughts sorta seep in every now and then. Mostly it's about injustice and revenge. I'll read all of your posts thoroughly, don't worry. I just thought I should give a bit of an update. The health system in Quebec is real screwed up and I'm being bounced around from doctor to social worker and accomplishing little. Really it takes about...weeks to hear back from someone just to say they can't help me... bummer.

There's not much else to say right now. I'm always tired. I'm going to go for now. Peace.

-Update-

I'm not sure if double posting is allowed so I'll just edit this one. I calmed down. I feel better. I've come across a wonderful discovery I would like to share. I've got in my possession a french collection of grimoires. They might be excerpts or the complete thing I am not sure yet, but I'll have a look. It's a hard cover collection, written in french, a nice sleek black looking book. I paid $2 for it. I'm usually lucky when I comes to material possessions (I'm a Sagittarius so probably something about me is generally lucky).

I'll take a closer look at your posts. I'm feeling alright now. I'll continue to seek out support, get help, focus and study. Maybe this will give me another reason to finish my french courses and brush up on languages. But I should just do it because it's good for me. Anyway, thank you all, for your kind welcoming and assistance.

This is the book if anyone is curious:

http://i.imgur.com/p1XqE3A.jpg?1

the grimoires included are:

-Pope Honorius Book of Conjurations
-Enchiridion (The Grimoire of Pope Leo)
-Red Dragon
-Black Pullet
-The Genie and the Treasure of the Old Pyramids
-The Black Owl
-The Rituals of High Magic of Cornelius Agrippa

[Caerdon]

I don't know if you go to a school or not, but if you do... the school Councillors there often are very good in helping people through. I know quite a few people who go to them and they help immensely. They know how to talk and listen and give suggestions and alternatives when needed. Ofcourse I'm more talking of colleges. It's just a suggestion that you can look into if it's available to you. Plus, it's a free service for students!

[Desecrated]

If I were you, I would put the occult on hold for at least 6 months.
People who are unstable should not mess around with it.
You need to rest and get better.

[Neko-phyte]

I'm gonna try to explain my point of view that has stemmed from the battle for freedom from my christian upbringing. There has been the idea that a mere thought can be a sin. It shook me as a child and I felt guilty for having fantasies about girls, ideas of revenge and even this - desire to kill. I felt mighty guilty for the thoughts I had so that even today I'm plucking out the weeds.

What I have found in my reflections is something that shocked people as I always look as a good person and I try to help people around me - desire to kill is natural. We always had this better than god tendency. Our society demonized death and from everyday thing created a monster to be feared and driven with. Any idea concerning death is automatically bad.

But if someone hurt you really bad is it so strange to wish his death? Honestly, no. But you cannot be the better person than them if you walk the similar path as them and really do it. You would like to hurt them but there is no meaning in that, only short term satisfaction crushed mercilessly by the reality that unfolds as a consequence of it.

I believe that it could help you to accept that these feelings are natural and normal. To be a man though, you must not act on it. You are in control. If it becomes overwhelming - listen to the sounds around you, focus on the things, your senses, and scenes around you and observe for as long as your mind refuses to shut up.

Write furiously. Let that out on the paper and don't be reviled. But do not hold it in. Fight it one step at the time by letting it go.

+1 this. Writing is a beautiful process that allows the brain to switch gears and process things differently, as well as letting the emotions flow.

What I also liked to do, when the conditions were good for it, is then tear the paper into pieces and then burn it. It helped feel like I was burning away the nasty and then I could concentrate more on moving forward.

To DarkSchneider (and anyone else who this applies to), good luck in finding a counsellor that really works for you. It is a really infuriatingly difficult thing to find; finding a needle in a haystack is a cakewalk compared to this. But it's worth it. Wishing all the best.

[ErebusNamtar]

Good to hear from you DS but sad to hear the health-care system seems pretty much the same everywhere. Good you are not giving up though! With time and persistence you'll find the right councilor for you eventually.
I also agree with Desecrated that it's probably best to only read about the occult and not put anything into actual practice for the time being.

[RoseRed]

Quick recap for those just tuning instead instead of spending hours searching old posts.

DS is in his early 20s and struggles with Autism. He tries to work with the health care system but it doesn't work well for everyone. He's found both solace and frustration in his occult studies. And he's a great lovable kid. He forgets that sometimes.

[DarkSchneider]

Thanks guys. I've been reading your posts. If it helps me, I won't be practicing for a while. Also RoseRed, I've written your quote in my spell book because I don't have a printer.

You are all kind and supportive for listening to me. Thank you.

[Asha_88]

Hello DarkScheider,

It's my turn to try to help you because you helped me so much! I almost finished my bachelor in psychology and your symptoms look like an anxiety\depressive disorder...Do your toughts turn around '' I'm not worthy or I don't deserve good things '' or '' I'm afraid of myself and I'm afraid to hurt others '' ? Just remember that negative emotions must be felt like the positive ones , so don't be ashamed to hate someone, it's as normal as liking another one. You can always write me in private if you feel like talking about this. I hope you feel better DarkSchneider, take care! [happy2]

[DarkSchneider]

Thank you, Asha_88.

I try to be decent, to maintain positive behavior. But I understand the need for negativity and being positive.

Balance seems like the way, at least for now. I still don't get why I enjoy reveling in evil behavior. I don't know if it's because I think it's okay or if I don't understand what it means to be truly evil. I will say this, I'm certainly not intending to become a saint any time soon, nor is it right for me to compromise my values.

I will message you sometime

[Calicifer]

Oh, don't be ashamed of your evil part. I fantasize about hurting people. I just enjoy thinking how their I could brake theirs necks, drink their blood and leech of their escaping souls. I'm one with my ''evil'' nature. It serves me, it protects me. It's especially useful then people want to beat you, a simple summoning of this part of my sends attackers fleeing or highly disturbs them then I either stare at them with promise of violence or laugh at the promise of violence. It also has a tendency to ask for permission to take control of my body. Then I allow it, my world goes black. My body starts moving on its own accord and my conscious, no longer needed retreats to the depth of my mind. Then act is done or new situation arises, it calls me back to decide further course of action. It is not your enemy, it's your friend. You just need to learn to live with it.


This part of my helps me to develop myself. To see world for that it's. Rotten and pretentious. It gives me strength. My wolf is always with me, feeding me with emotions and images of violence. Then I feel scared or intimidated, he comes and gives me strength to face adversity. To me, being in fear means being aggressive in that I do.


Also, did anything changed? I will try to advise you later if you still struggle with your nature.