I've been hallucinating for a while now

[Algiz]

Hail,

I've never spoken of this to anyone aside from medical professionals, but now I think the time is right. I'm sure it's not unusual for the denizens here to be a little "strange" when it comes to their minds, so I feel relatively safe speaking here.

As the subject line states, I have frequent hallucinations. I've had them for a while. At first I only heard sounds. I'd be sitting in my office alone all day, listening to the sounds of my family moving throughout the house. Doors opening and closing, footsteps, pots and pans clinking. Things like that. It went on for two weeks before me exiting my office to find the house empty became anything more than "Oh, I must've just missed them." You may think two weeks is an awful long time, but the other three members of the household, my father, step-mother, and step-sister, are always in-and-out. Once I came to this realization, I assumed we had some kind of paranormal phenomena. I had always been a believer in ghosts as a child, and I have several memories of witnessing paranormal activity that I know weren't hallucinations due to the other witnesses that corroborate them to this day.

And then I started seeing things. Little things at first. My first visual hallucination involved simply the wristwatch I had on. I have a collection, and there's one that stands out immensely. The face of the watch is easily three times the size of the face of all the others. Additionally, it is (or was at the time) one of only two watches with a metal band instead of leather, and was one of only three black-faced watches. I was sitting at my desk, right where I am now, and I thought to check the time. When I looked at my watch, I had on the large, metal one. I took a long look at it, because the hands blend in with the face, and I had to concentrate to actually get the time. And then I placed my hand back on my computer mouse and was wearing my normal, day-to-day watch. A small, leather-banded silver watch. I turned my chair around and saw the large metal watch sitting atop the watch-case, with a light film of dust.

A few days later, I left my office to see the family dog curled up on the floor, so I crouched down to pet him and he looked up at me. Just before my hand touched him, I looked up and saw him standing on the other side of the hallway. When I looked back down, there was only a pile of tubes for our vacuum (we have central vac).

A few days after that, I became afraid of the hallucinations for the first time. Up until then, I hadn't been afraid or unnerved at all, just interested. The phenoma didn't change at all. It was still the same old sounds, and I hadn't seen anything obvious since the dog incident. But I was terrified. I didn't leave my office at all at night, and rarely in the daytime. The rest of the family left on a trip after the first night I spent like that, so I had the house to myself. I surrounded the perimeter of my office with salt, which did only a little to make me feel better. For three days, I didn't sleep. Then I sat within another circle of salt on the floor, clutching a crucifix on a silver chain in one hand, and a pendant of St. Michael in the other. I had nailed a wooden cross onto my doorway. I sat there all night, terrified and exhausted. Running on pure adrenaline. That night I found myself in a state that I now know as the one-pointedness described in Liber Null, brought on by sensory overload. I don't remember exactly what I had been focusing on, but whatever it was, it worked. At some point I fell asleep. The next morning, I wasn't afraid anymore. The sounds still weren't gone, but they weren't scary anymore. I was refreshed enough to clean the mess I had made with salt and my office food-stash.

A week later there was a blood-moon. I sat outside to watch it peak, and that night I had the strangest experiences of my life. I went outside and sat in the cold in my pajamas to watch the moon hit its peak. I know it wasn't a dream, because I have my skype-chat logs of me and a friend discussing our remotely-shared activity of sitting outside and waiting for the moon to peak. Anyways, I started seeing red spots around my front yard. Eyes. Glowing, red eyes. I wasn't afraid, just interested. Then as the moon rose and began to light up the yard, I saw solid bodies of shadow. Kids. I head children laughing, which I at first dismissed as the neighbor's kids out watching the moon. They weren't outside, and there wasn't a single light in eyeshot. The children were just lingering, not being malevolent or anything like that. So I just sat and watching the moon rise, while a small army of red-eyed, shadow-children watched me with equal interest. I went inside, and took a final look out the front-facing living-room window on the first floor. I saw a large deer leave the sparse forest separating mine and my neighbors' houses from the road and stand in the middle of the driveway. It's antlers were silhouetted against the red moon. I took a photo, but the deer wasn't in the image, only the moon. I shrugged it off as I had the other hallucinations and made my way upstairs to my office/bedroom.

And then I heard the thunderous sound of a million trumpets. At first it came from within my head, but then it was all around me. I collapsed, clutching at my ears in vain. I woke up at some point and crawled into bed.

After that, things stagnated for a long time. Up until about a week or two ago, actually. I had begun to see many figures, and a hallucinated copy of an ex-girlfriend even stalked me for a while. Aside from me walking straight into said ex-girlfriend assuming she was just her hallucinated self, the added hallucinations didn't cause any noteworthy events. I saw the infamous "hat man" many times, and still continue to see him roughly once a week. But, until about two weeks ago, I saw only either people I knew in my everyday life or shadow figures. But then there was a figure that's entirely white, except for his red eyes and dark void of a mouth. He wears a cloak and some sort of turban-esque thing wrapped about his face, with holes for the eyes and mouth. I first saw him while driving somewhere with my mother. (Real mother, not the step-mother that I live with). I pulled up to a stop sign at a deserted five-way intersection (Maine's weird, man) and looked to my left to make sure someone hadn't sped in out of nowhere, and there he was. The white figure, I mean. He was sprinting towards the car. I remained calm, as I almost always have in times of hallucination, and just pulled away from the stop and went on my way. Since then I've seen him with growing intensity. His body shape differs, but his clothing and facial features remain the same. The other day he abruptly appeared purched on the hood of a car in which I was a passenger, and I just locked eyes with him until he dissipated. Just yesterday I looked out of a rear-facing window of my house and saw him standing in the treeline, leaning against a tree with his arms crossed. The other figures appear more often now, as well. I'm not sure what to do about it, or even if I want to. Aside from the man in white, none of them seem to be malevolent. They're just passive observers, and so far none have tried to communicate with me. The closest to communication was when the hallucinated-ex-girlfriend scowled at me and dissapeared forever after watching a romantic moment between some other girl and myself.

In addition to the hallucinations, I have a legion of disturbing dream-experiences to tell should any of you wish to hear them.

And before anyone suggests medical help, I've been in contact with a small army of psychologists and psychiatrists since well before the hallucinations began due to a suicide attempt from my teenage years. I'd rather not get into my dealings with these medical professionals, but the short answer is that aside from the hallucinations, and aside from my shall-we-say "occulty" interests, there's nothing obviously wrong with me. As I go through psychologists (of which I'm on my fifth psychologist and third psychiatrist), they all tell me that I'm an "interesting" case. But that's the closest to helpful that anything they've said have been. I tried medication for a while, but it made no difference and after months of trials my psychiatrist and I decided to ditch meds.

I don't know what kind of information or answers I'm hoping to get from posting this here. I've been having spurts of what I've taken to thinking of as a sort of "witch's intuition" that have grown in frequency over the past month or so. For example, I was driving my mother someplace about three weeks ago, and abruptly felt something off. I pulled over (road was deserted anyways, we still had a ways to the highway we were meant to drive on) and had my mother fiddle with the gps to find us a different route. There was an accident on that highway an hour or so later. I mention this because this intuition is the reason I'm posting all of this here.

I'm posting under "Help!" because I don't really know where else I should post it. I guess I'm looking for help in finding information and opinions on my current state.

I need to sleep before class tomorrow morning.

Blessed be,
Algiz

[Ušušur]

In my experience, when I've had hallucinations I didn't really understand those were hallucinations until after they've passed. I would talk to, listen to and even feel very unpleasant wire-like-crawling on my skin and other weird stuff, and in that moment, even though I was completely alone in my apartment (and once in a hospital), I acted as if those 'beings and events' were completely real. Only afterwards when I thought about it I realized I went bonkers a bit. [rofl]

What you're describing isn't like that. You're aware of those images in the very second they appear, and some keep reappearing in a similar pattern. If you're around 25 or so, it might be an early development of schizophrenia, since you're describing strong sense of fear and perhaps a bit of paranoia+disturbing dreams. I know you had medical experts examine you, but hey, If you're so special as they say, then they've might just missed something out.

Don't completely rule out a possibility it's a mental condition. Also, remember what you did in the past occult-wise and see if there might be some connection with what's happening to you now. As for witch's intuition, I don't really know how that works.

[chowderpope]

That's a great story, thank you for sharing. It's very interesting and you have a knack for writing.

When you say the man in white seems malevolent, could you expand on that? Is it because he sprinted at you, perched on the car like a weirdo, and spies on you from the woods? That does seem a bit socially inept, but maybe he's a cool guy once you get to know him?

It definitely sounds to me like you've suddenly been struck with abilities of extrasensory perception, which may be a blessing and a curse. I don't know much about that kind of thing but hopefully some of the other people on the forum will be able to shed some light on this for you. I'd love to read updates on what you're experiencing though so please stay in touch with the forum.

[Algiz]

When you say the man in white seems malevolent, could you expand on that? Is it because he sprinted at you, perched on the car like a weirdo, and spies on you from the woods? That does seem a bit socially inept, but maybe he's a cool guy once you get to know him?

There's just an air about him, I suppose. There's a difference in the mannerisms of those that want to harm you and those that are curious. Just something about the way he moves, and the way he stares at me. Sometimes if I look at him he opens his mouth, and it's just darkness. No matter how bright the surroundings, his mouth is just this light-less void. I get the feeling that he could kill me if I let him.

In my experience, when I've had hallucinations I didn't really understand those were hallucinations until after they've passed. I would talk to, listen to and even feel very unpleasant wire-like-crawling on my skin and other weird stuff, and in that moment, even though I was completely alone in my apartment (and once in a hospital), I acted as if those 'beings and events' were completely real. Only afterwards when I thought about it I realized I went bonkers a bit. [rofl]

What you're describing isn't like that. You're aware of those images in the very second they appear, and some keep reappearing in a similar pattern. If you're around 25 or so, it might be an early development of schizophrenia, since you're describing strong sense of fear and perhaps a bit of paranoia+disturbing dreams. I know you had medical experts examine you, but hey, If you're so special as they say, then they've might just missed something out.

Don't completely rule out a possibility it's a mental condition. Also, remember what you did in the past occult-wise and see if there might be some connection with what's happening to you now. As for witch's intuition, I don't really know how that works.

That's the part that always seems to stump psychologists. The fact that I always tend to know in the moment what's real and what isn't coupled with the fact that I'm generally so unphased by the hallucinations that I can't honestly say I want them to stop. I never discounted the idea that I'm simply mentally ill by the way. In fact I assumed that's all it was until very recently. I'm still leaning in that direction, but I suppose it's entirely possible that it could be more of a "spooky-ghost-occult" kind of thing.

[Desecrated]

It does sound like textbook schizophrenia.
When you were on the meds, did it decrease or increase anything?

[Algiz]

It does sound like textbook schizophrenia.
When you were on the meds, did it decrease or increase anything?

Nothing changed at all. I didn't notice a difference in frequency or intensity and my family didn't notice any change in my behavior, nor did my psychologist and psychiatrist.

Schizophrenia is where me and everyone else involved with my health jumped when the hallucinations first started, but now that horse has been beaten by eight different professionals and they all say that aside from the one paranoid episode, none of my behavior points to schizophrenia, so no one wants to make the diagnosis, nor does anyone seem to think that it'd be an accurate one. The only thing I've ever been officially diagnosed with beyond depression is obsessive compulsive disorder, although that was more to appease my father than it was anything else. Actually, my mother (who has a masters in psychology) sat me down with the DDR13(or whatever number it is, I can never remember) and showed me exactly why I don't have OCD.

All-in-all, my dealings with psychiatrists and psychologists over the years has been one giant circle-jerk and every time one of them refers me to a peer I get conflicting opinions.

I don't mean to make myself out to be totally insane or anything, in fact it's quite the opposite. Normally I am a perfectly capable, functioning member of society. If you were to meet me on the streets, it wouldn't be apparent that I'm anything but neurotypical. That's why I don't talk about these things with friends and peers. It would be a tactical nightmare to make those that respect me think I'm crazy, so my ramblings are quarantined to the office of those whose job it is to listen.

As for the guy who said they may have missed something (might even have been this poster I can't even remember) it is possible, but unlikely. After five psychologists, three psychiatrists, three full-psych exams, two hospital stays, and an occupational therapist I saw for four years, I think someone would've pulled the trigger on a diagnosis if there is one.

[LoneWolf]

First of all thank you for the read. Interesting.

Only thing that makes me feel overall bad about it is the fact that you saw your girlfriend. (She is not dead, is she?). How sure are you that it was her? Sometimes the mind fills the void because of its need of giving an explanation of experiences unknown to us. If I were you I would try to recall the experience as strongly as possible while in a trance state. Afterwards examine it thoroughly.

You seem however to articulate your thoughts in a logical manner, schizos don't do that, however of course it is a complex situation and everyone is a whole universe.

My advise if any help would be to;

-Schizophrenia
-Awakening of the senses

pick one and stick to it. If you can't handle it, tell yourself that you are schizo and get drugged.

Also I would stop ignoring them and act upon them. Walk towards such creatures and interact. Ask, tell them to leave, etc etc. If you don't already start doing banishments. "The way of the magician is not for the feint of heart"

I myself since the start of doing ceremonial have had strange sightings, however you seem to see a lot!

Any information regarding your state of being when you had such encounters or vision would greatly help. Emotional balance, diet, meditation routine, what books you were reading, level of interaction with other people, psychedelic rituals. Do you feel you were at your best or at your worst?

My regards

[Desecrated]

Look up protection spells for empaths. There is a lot of good tips on how to block these things out.

[LoneWolf]

Look up protection spells for empaths. There is a lot of good tips on how to block these things out.

How is this a problem of feeling to much?

[Algiz]

First of all thank you for the read. Interesting.

Only thing that makes me feel overall bad about it is the fact that you saw your girlfriend. (She is not dead, is she?). How sure are you that it was her? Sometimes the mind fills the void because of its need of giving an explanation of experiences unknown to us. If I were you I would try to recall the experience as strongly as possible while in a trance state. Afterwards examine it thoroughly.

Any information regarding your state of being when you had such encounters or vision would greatly help. Emotional balance, diet, meditation routine, what books you were reading, level of interaction with other people, psychedelic rituals. Do you feel you were at your best or at your worst?

I was shut-in for the months before and during the beginning of the hallucination. I rarely went anywhere, and spoke to friends only via Skype. I was essentially just sitting stagnant while I waited for my first college class to start. As far as emotions go, I wasn't (and still am not) feeling much of anything. I contemplated how shit the world was, but didn't feel sad that the world was shit. Does that make sense? It's like depression gave way to complete emotionless, although I've been disconnected from my emotions since I was very young. My diet was essentially junk food during the day and one real meal at night. Me and meditation don't go as well together as I'd like, and I did (and still do) lack the motivation required for it. At the time I believe I was still meditating daily, times ranging from fifteen minutes to an hour at a time. I never had much success silencing my thoughts though, which is something that I'm slowly getting better at. Despite my best efforts, I haven't managed to recapture the one-pointedness of that terrified night. I spent my time either playing video games, nose-deep in Warhammer 40k books, or even deeper into books on witchcraft.

I think that aspects of myself were at their worst, while other parts of me were at my best. For example, the amount of spiritual reading I got done is unprecedented and yet to be surpassed, and while my meditation wasn't a great success, I was trying more than I had before or have since. On the other hand, I stewed all day with thoughts of nihilism, surrounded by philosophical masterpieces such as my collection of Dostoevsky and a motley crew of books by other equally intelligent and nihilistic authors. These books and thoughts worked wonders for my writing and philosophical thoughts, but made my depression rise, though not as bad as it has been in my early teenage years.

Also I would stop ignoring them and act upon them. Walk towards such creatures and interact. Ask, tell them to leave, etc etc. If you don't already start doing banishments. "The way of the magician is not for the feint of heart"

I suppose I've never interacted to them because I never saw them as "entities" so much as a part of my environment. I enjoy the presence of a shadow person in the same sense that I enjoy the Saints Row poster on my wall: passively. As for telling them to leave... why? They don't harm or unnerve me. The only one that I even give a second thought the majority of the time is the white one, but if he was going to kill me he'd have done it by now. I get the sense that it's sort of like how in stories a vampire can't cross a threshold unless they're invited in. As long as I don't invite him in, he can't do anything but watch from afar. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against the idea of all these things leaving me, I just don't exactly care if they stay or not.

EDIT: fixed weird phrasing at the end there.

[Desecrated]

Look up protection spells for empaths. There is a lot of good tips on how to block these things out.

How is this a problem of feeling to much?

It's not. It's a problem of seeing too much. But the protection is pretty much the same.

[cactusjack543]

try having a phobia of having impathy feeling peoples pain and anguish in the sychward....

[CCoburn]

try having a phobia of having impathy feeling peoples pain and anguish in the sychward....

And to add insult to injury, you got that damn mouse scurrying
around all hours of the night, keeping you awake.

I know what that's like. I had two in my house once, and I finally
got them using a mouse trap(go figure), and peanut butter.

Been mouse free for over ten years now.

Cheers

[cactusjack543]

but i do have that phobia and well because of my pet mouse 4 years ago keeping me up they promised better food and sleep still waiting....