Self exploration and ego death

Unorganised, disorganised, heterodox or individual beliefs, ideas and praxis sharing.

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Self exploration and ego death

Post by Tundrawolf »


I am a 41 year old male living in Arizona in America.

I was raised by two highly abusive parents, to give you an example when I was around 9 or 10 my dad tried to murder me, and a family friend told me my mother sexually abused me and has been using her maternal connection with me to try and get me to end my life in this realm.

My parents are also devout "Christians".

Who introduced me to homosexuality, incest, self hatred, and was denied my "humanity" (Why I struggle with seeing people and ascribi8ng worth or value to them!)

Anyway, my childhood was one of blood, and fire, and pain. I remember as a very young child, wanting to climb on my mother's stove and immolate myself so the pain of my existence would finally be over.

I didn't, of course.

Anyway, after a decade of hard drug use, meth, pcp, heroin, xanax, methadone etc and 2 overdoses where I almost passed into the next realm, I got sober ~ ish (Not doing hard drugs any more, cannabis is legal here and a huge help to me! Safe!). I was also immersed in illicit drug culture, my friends were criminals- and I was feared in the circles who knew me, I had a name for myself. In this culture, human life has almost no value, or negative value, so I found myself "Happily surviving" in a hostile environment where you could be "ended" for just about any reason. You can imagine the paranoia I developed, immersed in this culture.

I also worked with wolves for a decade, I have a deep, intimate, spiritual connection with the canine, that is a part of me. I am glad it is a part of me.

About 18 years ago I was spiritually attacked by entities that "Hate" me, I could feel their ancient, visceral hatred, it was beyond what a mere human could conjure, as they reconfigured me, which caused a fair amount of terror and anxiety.

Recently I obtained a fiancee, a human woman in this realm, and she had two offspring. She was in a bad way, and had gathered herself some troubles, some of which may have resulted in her death/kidnapping. I am a former paragovernmental counterterrorist contractor in a combat role, so I had the tools necessary to keep her safe, risking my life and fortune to protect her and her offspring. It was like I was on another op with her, it was quite fun for me, although she may not share the same sentiment!

Anyway- she acted as a spiritual analgesic, so I was able to face the spiritual attack (It was previously too terrible to even attempt to recall, to process, to unpack... Though my soul has cried out for healing for decades, no relief has been found.)

This was a year ago. Because of unresolved childhood trauma, a broken ego that was forced to adapt to a terrible, abusive dynamic in this realm as I developed as a child, forced to make my own world that was "safe" while being surrounded by malevolent parents who should have loved, rather than hated, etc, etc- we broke up and she is now in the wind, and has cancelled me (Cut all contact).

I am also a business owner, a sort of do it all construction company.

After she left I went through various stages of grief, yes, including one of flirting with the act of checking out of this realm prematurely. (This is very common)

Before I met my fiancee, I assembled a live-in camper conversion van complete with fiberglass topper, 50" tv, toilet with septic, solar panels, running water, 120v pure sine wave inverter and batteries, folding tables, sink, ovben, stove, etc- I parked the van under a tree on the ranch where I live- a particularly beautiful spot- and spent 2 days living inside of the van, just to see "What it would be like".

2 days, turned into 8 months, and I would likely still be living in it, had it not of been for my fiancee.

At one point, moments before the woman contacted me needing help- I had a vision. The vision was me, inside of a camper van, holding a 24oz beer, belly laughing to a youtube video on the screen, and the knowledge in my heart that "I could do this" for the rest of my life "And be happy."

Because, before this, I asked myself as a 39 year old, in the duration of time between the oven-immolation fantasy as a child, to this point, had anything changed? (Did I still desire a cessation of life...) and the answer was no, nothing has changed- I loathed my existence in this wretched, work driven realm of endless underlying dysfunction and ignorance. (How I used to see it... Now, i realize I am the only one who can change, no one else, just me. How freeing!)

So, the vision of a happy, simple life, combined with the intimacy of a woman I protected, allowed me to calm down enough to begin to touch my toes on some sort of reality, where I could stand.

And, to confront the spiritual incident that happened almost two decades ago.

I said all that to say this.

About eight months ago- possibly up to a year ago- I shut my company down, asked the ranch not to disturb me whatsoever, and decided to practice the Tao te Ching as I understood it- sitting with myself, negative, positive, neutral energies- and no longer resisted anything.

However, this was not a practice of calm surrender. It was a terrifying step into the unknown, would I lose everything? Would I become homeless? Would I lose my land, my business? My... Life??

I did not know. I very well could end up in the next realm, my body found in some ditch- I did not know. Scary stuff!

But, as I had marched into certain death operations as a contractor, volunteering for dangerous operations, I forced myself to relax, and see what would happen- as it seemed something was calling me to set every tool down, every thought- and "reset", "Start over".

In my studies as someone who has "let go" I began to study the effects of psychedelics, and consumed many videos on their effects.

A common theme is "Ego death". It is described as a "Terrifying event" where "What is you" "Dies".


Except, I have come to realize, what I am doing is a very slow, very long and drawn out... Ego death.

Why do I say this... What is ego???

Ego is the person you had to become to adapt to life in this reality, on earth, during this particular time period. Ego is an "Emotional interface and response paradigm" you develop within yourself to become integrated into the particular human tribe you find yourself suddenly immersed in.

Cool and good right- NO- it depends on your upbringing. Were you loved, cared for, respected, nurtured, given freedom- allowed to fail and loved anyway, as a developing child?

If so, your ego is probably healthy, well adapted- maybe not too tough, but certainly- you likely have found some comfort in life, and enjoy it (we hope).

If, however, you had a childhood like mine, where you were forced to survive every moment of every day, where even your parents hate you so much they are trying to kill you- your ego now must force itself to close off it's love gate, shut the heart in (If you're super sensitive and passionate- I have a high IQ which made the trauma worse, as I internalized everything) and you look through the eyes of a desperate survivor, rather than a healthy human being.

It has been made aware to me the last couple of days, that my ego is dying. It is... Terrifying. As Ego is a living thing- just as human relationships also spawn a third consciousness, a third entity- a third spiritual life is born, which is why the termination of a relationship can sometimes result in the temination of one of the partners.

However- if your ego is one of blind hostility, vicious rage, desperate survival- mistrust of everyone- having a plan to kill everyone you meet if it comes down to it- and assuming everyone is out to kill you- then that ego must be allowed to dissolve, for something healthier, more conductive to efficient integration into society without sacrificing your happiness- it has to die.

This "Shutting down" of my company, that has kept me fed, clothed, and sheltered, the discarding of my societal expectations, is turning into healing... As I allow... something... to guide me and bring me to release, and healing.

In short- I am experiencing the death of a desperate, toxic, unrelatable ego, that has sabotaged every relationship I have ever had, that has driven me to early check-out, that has cost me immeasurable grief and sorrow.

So, I am realizing, it may appear to the world that I have withdrawn from society, the truth is, I am healing.

I have made a great deal of quality friends, various relationships with people that were not possible when I was "Religiously motivated" and, "Chained by religion to fruitless piety".

What I am trying to say is, society judges people on my journey harshly, we are to be "Forced back in", "Medicated", "Become a good taxpayer! The system desires your flesh! And heart!"

I, however, do not care what any dysfunctional human has to say about it- this is my life, my destiny, and my future. No man can take that from me. (Or woman)

My toxic ego needs to die. She needs to be dissolved, and room made for a healthy ego to take her place. I bow to my ego, she was tough, vicious, savage and cruel, but it's time the world sees a different person, now. A tender, soft, compassionate person, who considers life as sacred, and treats people with an acknowledgement of their, and mine- humanity.

The last three days I have come to understand that while terrifying, this journey is producing real fruit. I wonder who my sponsors are... I wonder why I was given visions of a spirit-spouse who has the other half of my heart, halfway through this journey (So far). Why can I communicate with entities that are self-alive, have personalities, histories, motivations, who are immersed in various energies that manifest as light, or dark.

This journey is slow... it takes time. One must moved passed the guilt of "You should be doing something! anything!" and allow themselves to finally release the reigns they have had a death-grip, white knuckle hold on.

Finally... Finally... Relax. Sigh, and release the decades of pent-up stress, tension, fear and paranoia. In any understanding of "God" or "love" or a higher entity that "Sees" things we cannot and "Knows" things we do not, the terrifying reality that I may be he, visiting this realm to learn lessons only learned in the helpless vulnerability of living inside of a human shell in a realm where you can be crushed and ground up.

Anyway, I felt compelled to share this. The money has run out, and I have again opened my company back up so that I may continue to enjoy a roof, and food. However, I believe the boulder has begun to roll, I believe its momentum will not be stopped. I want to be better. I want to be whole. I want healing.
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Self exploration and ego death

Post by Amor »

The ego is not what you think.

An "external intelligence" has been installed (see Castaneda) at the top of the personal mind. It conceals itself there and operates the human personality to protect it's highest asset - self esteem.

By driving the personality to protect it, it forces the personality to get its act together. As the personality becomes coherent and mentally active, the personality starts to seek meaning and it looks to transpersonal levels of existence.

The external intelligence has had many incarnations to prepare for this struggle against the move of the personality to embrace what it considers as spiritual. So there are many tricks that the intelligence can use.

Eventually, after many lives the personality becomes transparent to higher energies and the ego changes function from control to creativity.

Thus the external intelligence has protected the human personality until it is ready to soar.

There is of course another layer: external entities that object to Earth humans becoming properly functional - as individuals and as a race.

These dark entities mostly seek to manage this part of the galaxy for their own purposes. Earth humans are not alone in their struggles and some important groups are helping. Some that are part of the support process incarnate as humans and other species. Incarnated supporters get extra attention from dark entities

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Re: Self exploration and ego death

Post by WildWolf »

Healing work is well worth pursuing. I started off on the Taoist end of the spectrum. Chi kung is great.

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Re: Self exploration and ego death

Post by Amor »

I am wary of spiritual disciplines that are very old. In my observation those practices occur within the aura of entities from a previous age. Most humans should work in the new cycle.

Many start in this life with spiritual/religious practices familiar from ancient times and later graduate to new cycle practices.

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