Unpleasant past spiritual experience, opinions?

[Arahant]

Hi guys, Id like to tell a story of something that happened me when i was younger, which was my first experience outside of traditional religion of which i grew up in(christianity) with the occult.

When i was younger about the age of 12, i first discovered the internet, through it i slowly got into all sorts of occult websites which kinda sucked me in as it was all so fascinating, i read and read, but never really tried anything out of fear that it was some trap of the devil(that ol chestnut). But i started to practice lucid dreaming, I feel like from the constant reading of occult things and lucid dreaming it was only a matter of time before i started to naturally seep into my dream life even without really knowing what i was doing or trying that hard from before sleep.

I also a couple times tried and contact some sort of spiritual guide, as i kept reading about and it seemed maby harmless, i tried a couple times and nothing happened really, that last time i tried i remember out of abit of desperation walking outside at night time and asking if there was anything out there that it could contact me, again nothing happened, atleast not right away.

Im not sure how long it was after this, maby weeks, maby a month, it was a fair amount of time ago so i mostly remember the direct experience the best.

I was sleeping and i was having a lucid dream, in the dream i was in my house in the dark, doing different things by concentrating my focus/will... I had this idea for awhile at that time, even before the occult, that maby it was possible to teleport if you somehow knew some sort of hidden knowledge, some sort of hidden mechanism in your mind that was very obscure. I was 12 you know how it is at that age, anything is possible. I feel like i had been unconsciously been trying to achieve it in my dreams, without really remembering when i woke up, for awhile. So this night i was lucid dreaming and doing all sorts of neat stuff in the dream that i would normally do, and i was trying to focus my will to teleport, i felt like if i could just focus hard enough it might happen, I focused and focused and then bam, i teleported to another place in my house. I was for a split second ecstatic and then it happened, i seen a purple light that i best describe as being like if you have your eyes close and press into your eyes physically where it causes you to see colors, abit like if you look into a light then look away and you still see the blotchey after-image, this purple light appeared in my vision and immediately i was struck by the most deep fear i had ever experienced and i became paralysed.

I was paralysed in the dream state, as far as i could tell, it was terrifying and completely unexpected, and i didnt know what to do. My old beliefs kicked in, i figured i had fucked up and i was being attacked by something(demon), i felt a presence, i started repeating the names of jesus as it was all i could think to do in that moment. It made me more scared when i realized it wasnt really having any effect. I think i remained in that state for awhile, in some way battling this presence/fear from completely engulfing me, or atleast that is how it felt. Eventually i woke up, only to find that I was still paralysed, basically typical sleep paralysis sort of thing i guess although at the time i had no idea about any of this.

Anyways i ended up again battling through this for awhile, it felt like forever, im thinking it could have been a half hour of me fighting against the fear and thinking i could become possessed if i failed or god/jesus didnt help me. Eventually i was able to break free of the sleep paralysis but it wasnt over, the fear was still there, but just barely below the thresh-hold i found myself becoming paralysed at... It was still there, sort of ebbing and flowing at high levels. I woke up my parents but there was nothing they could do really, nor could they really understand untill later what was happening. I fought that fear for pretty much the whole night untill the light came up, probably some 4 hours or more later... I became paralysed while awake a bunch of more times, i have a vivid memory of walking around my room with the lights on and sitting down on my bed and instantly becoming paralysed again, full awake and just walking around just moments before.

Anyways, this problem persisted for months, almost always at night but i felt like it was always there in the background, if i thought about what had happened i would feel the fear coming on again at such a rate if i didnt try and block it out through force of will, i would end up becoming paralysed again. I slowly got better at controlling it over the 2-3 months it effected me, more so keeping the fear from getting to the level of paralysis... I feel like the only way it really stopped is i somehow buried it, i buried the memory and all the feelings it had and it slowly went away. Needless to say this scared me off the occult for a long time, i still had an interest and Iv been constantly going back for short periods of time since then to research but never actually do anything. I became heavily into science instead and didnt have any interest in christianity(which didnt help me really one tiny bit when i was going through that experience)... eventually i came to the conclusion that it was all psychological, I wasnt sure what triggered the first event, but perhaps regardless of whatever it was the experience traumatized me immediately and made it very hard for me not to constantly relive the experience. I made logical sense of it as an adult this way, but deep inside i dont think i really ever completely believed it fully, maby some sort of combination between the purely psychological and something spiritual.

For the longest time i never experienced the same thing, but it eventually did happen to me again a number of times as a young adult and as an adult, but i found that i had grown as a person in that time and i was somehow able to control it much better, basically through sheer force of will/focus.... now if it ever shows up(usually always in dreams) I can just concentrate and just push it out. But it doesnt really happen much anymore.

Sorry for the long ass post, but its such an important part of my life, that I would like people to weigh in that have a semi-clear picture of what happened in proper context. I dont really know what I believe for sure anymore about what happened, I feel like it could be a couple things. Im getting back into the occult now as a clear headed adult who feels like he can be in control and safe with proper willpower/focus, and iv written off the past experience as something that maby happens when you approach something naively and perhaps loaded with a deep seated fear of something evil lurking there. I feel abit like the saying what didnt kill me makes me stronger.

Im looking hopefully for some diverse opinions on what this story means to you within your ideology and worldview so i can expand mine. Thanks!

[Daremo]

Psychological yes....spiritual yes....you were mastering with lucid dreaming which is a small step from full out of body experience which is most likely what occured when you "teleported" to the other part of your house. The entity could have been anything god, demon, angel, elemental, astral garbage doesnt matter but it was definitely not your own minds creation otherwise you would not have felt a fear that strong. Nightmares have a different sense of fear than the one you experienced. Your experience of fear i am fairly certain was similar to the experience of waking up in the middle of the night going downstairsband finding a complete stranger in your house just standing there. This is a tell tale sign of an external entity, ego fear of something other than itself. Add to this the psychological conditioning that all such experiences are the ultimate evil do to christian conditioning and now you know this ultimate evil is real is it any wonder you were overwhelmed with fear for months? Astral projection can be a disturbing experience under the best of conditions because its so alien and contrary to what we are told existance is, its just a shock to the system, but add in irrational conditioned fear and for the ultimate name of jesus the only protection that should save you from everything failing when you encountered this being its the perfect recipe for a traumatic experience. Its a shame too if you dont mind my saying. Seems like you were making great progress. The being was probably neutral but you never know with these things, it didnt matter at the time because any being good bad or ugly could have caused that sense of fear. I find it fascinating that you are aware of how this effected you life course and the choices you made because of it. Excelent reflection. I hope this helps for some perspective. Hereward carrington and muldoon wrote a book "the projection of the astral body" its most comprehensive if your interested in learning more.

[Arahant]

Thanks for the reply daremo, what you said goes along well with how i feel about the experience. I also had considered just recently that maby the enitity(if there was one) wasnt even bad, maby it didnt do that on purpose but was more of a traumatic reaction from something that felt unnatural and then deep seated psychological programming kicking in.... its just weird i would have such a strong reaction. Iv practiced some lucid dreaming off and on over the course of my life since then with the hope of astral projecting(although i learned to think of it from a scientific standpoint rather then spiritualy) and i never really ever felt fear, maby nervous anticipation as i felt like i was getting close to the point of actually projecting, but this was orders of magnitude higher... not to mention it stayed with me even while i was awake and walking around.

It really is a shame i hadnt had a better experience, who knows where id be today if i did. I will check out the book you mentioned. thanks

[fraterai]

I really hope this doesn't go over-your-head by posting "advanced" or somehow disconnected material, but the Golden Dawn (surely you have heard this name at least) has some works called the "Flying Rolls" which were distributed amongst their more advanced practitioners, or at least those who had advanced to the "inner" order.

In these Flying Rolls is a work that explains why magic fails a lot of the time. Magic works when Belief, Desire, and Will are united unto a single cause. They explain this common failure through an anecdote of trying to get a person to turn their head and look at you using magic. The first time it happens you want them to look at you, you believe your magic or psychic-thought can be "heard by them", and you Will to do so; so belief, will, and desire are united and you have success, almost without trying (and this almost is the "key").

The next time, you try to do this to prove to yourself that "magic works". Your desire is to prove this theory, but your will is to make them turn their head and look at you, and your belief is stuck in "maybe". The magic fails.

I very much believe that we all experience certain opportunities that enable us to see that psychism or "non-locality" exists, or that ideas, energy, or information can be interpreted regardless of their proximity. 99% of the time this is through Dreams. Even if the experience is unsettling (it should be!), you have for yourself some concrete experience (Gnosis) that reality is not as simple as it seems.

[Arahant]

Thanks, yes iv heard of the golden dawn... right now im feeling quite drawn to hermeticism in part because i plan to do the IIM but iv also found some other good material that has gone over the principal's of belief, desire, and will... the pyramid/triangle at the top of the tree of life that signifies the connection between the conscious/subconscious and the godhead/divine(or atleast that was sort of how it was explained).

Iv started going through a very good youtube channel from a link someone else posted in another thread and iv been learning a incredible amount, by the channel name of mightandmagic... i plan to start practical exercised from the IIM soon, aswell as start to practice the LBRP for a few weeks to a month before i start doing the middle pillar on a daily basis to try and start grounding myself. I dont want to get carried away and spread myself to thin, im going through a temporary detoxification process before i can start in a few weeks so im just trying to absorb as much as i can right now.

Im trying to start right away using affirmations to try and help prepare myself via programming my subconscious before i do anything else.

thanks for the insight though, even if something doesnt register right away im certain it goes in the old mind vault and i know sometimes later on stuff that was over my head will suddenly click with new information.

[Abyss]

Hi Arahant, would like to point for you to examine if you choose. You are stuck in the past and every time you go there, something else is remembered creating a past that is only an illusion in your now, you can only change or understand your past by living in the now, it is a paradox. We all do this either live in the past or future. It is the trick of the physical mind to keep you for moving forward, as long was you are there, you cannot be here. You are leaking your power and energy by focusing on a situation that cannot be realized leaving the only choice to accept it. Go back once using your 5 senses, observe without emotion or expectation, accept what happened, accept yourself, close the door and breath deeply inhaling the energy you have lost to this particular time in your life. Sometimes parts of this time will be brought forward and do the same until it just fades as a circumstance that you are grateful and appreciate the opportunity of change it has offered you through this experience. This words are shared in the state of love and understanding as I see you in me.

[Arahant]

Thanks for the reply, sorry i didnt notice it before. I appreciate the advice. Im not sure i agree that its not worth it sometimes to revisit the past in hopes of learning something new. I think ultimately we are here to learn something, or experience something to further our spiritual progression... but what if you lack the knowledge and experience to make sense of your daily experiences, until a later date?

I feel like since iv re opened this door iv come to discover some things about myself that help me fit this experience in my life... new understandings and possibilities to explore.. and im a skeptic/rational/analytical person by nature... so sometimes i need to remind myself of the times in my life where i experienced something that's hard to explain by regular nature.. to open my mind.

But i appreciate your comment, i do agree its not good to dwell on things. I said it was a very important aspect of my life and it is, but i rarely ever think about it anymore.. those younger years feel like a completely different life to me now as im sure it does for alot of people as they grow older.

I like the idea of going back with my 5 senses and emotionless to try and figure out what happened, i plan to do that, but i dont yet have the proper capabilities... its going to take some time.

Thanks