I have come to accept the possibility that in my early 20's, I accidentally created a protective/retribution Servitor that has since gone rogue, and I desperately need advice as to how to de-power or destroy it, if that is truly what has happened or what I'm dealing with.
My early 20's were very traumatic. I drank heavily and used drugs recklessly. I experienced episodes of depersonalization/derealization disorder.
At the time I had no understanding of this disorder, and feared I was losing my mind, as during these episodes I experienced shifts in cognition and felt as though someone else was operating my body. Episodes were short, lasting between 10 minutes to an hour. (I do not suffer from this condition presently.)
I began to see the altered state as someone different from me, going so far as to name it. I attributed a great deal of rage and hatred into this concept. When the dissociative disorders ceased after a year or two, I indulged the idea less as I seemed to be relatively sane, if not severely depressed.
In the back of my mind, however, I held onto the concept, reasoning that if I ever found myself in a situation where I needed to let the monster out, it would be there.
15 years pass - depression / automatic negative thoughts rule my life and slowly destroy it. My wife and I separate as I lose my ability to function.
I come to think of the automatic thoughts as "The Voice" as it is an uncontrollable internal monologue. (Non-audible.)
The Voice is near constant. Out of desperation I accept the help of a Shaman friend, and have a cleansing and transformative medicine experience. During the experience I met a personification of The Voice, spoke with it, and told it that it was no longer welcome.
It has been three weeks. No automatic thoughts, no voice, no depression. I feel better than I have in decades. I thought it was dealt with and put to bed.
Yesterday my wife says she needs to tell me something important. (We are currently separated.) I meet with her, and she tells me she was raped by an old boyfriend she was reconnecting with. When she tells me this, the voice says to me clear as day "See, I told you you needed me."
She was raped on my birthday. This entity was formed around hate, especially towards women, and I fear this was a message.
I am hoping you can offer advice on what I am truly dealing with, and how I can cease it's functions. Or am I simply connecting dots where none exist? I don't know what to think anymore.
I found this post relevant, if it helps: http://www.occultforum.org/forum/viewto ... 55&t=36912