Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »

*mental illness warning:*

I realize by the established metrics among the humans that my audible and visible hallucinations are indicative of textbook "mental illnesses" and various descriptions of things that bother the normal people.

I dont care. My life is hard but at this point I wouldn't trade my hallucinations for anything in this world>

I was tempted to describe a dream I had a few days ago, but I wasn't possessed enough to do so until now.

*Gore warning!*

A few days ago a coven of witches visited me in my dreams. It was a very lucid dream. They teased and tempted me, tested me and twisted me around.

They desired to know my authenticity.

I was told to allow them their birth, and to thank them- which I did (they are from this website). In thanks, they gave me a way out, later after I awoke I realized I had a joyous way out, a transition to the afterlife that did not include the horror of what I had been enduring.

So, for that, I thank you.

They teased me and tried to take from my hands the things that gave me meaning, and rather than fighting them, I surrendered these things and those things to them.

In this dance they made their determination.

Several days later some things have been made apparent:

Some years after the attack on my soul, I had been plagued by terrible anxiety that had no escape. Even as I labored for my bread I was tortured without end. Confused and terrified, I realized it was up to me to end the torture and yet I did not know how. The answer was simple, I merely had to command it to stop and yet I could not.

It was as if I wanted the torture.

As I mined out my relationship with this Wolven woman who has the other half of my heart (I would not change a thing), I began to realize that in the afterlife you do not die, which makes any horrific engagement you find yourself in, is made that much worse, and if you have a human avatar, your punishment is made the times worse. Hence, why soul assassination is so horrific. It isn't the suffering that kills you. It's the reaction to it that does you in. You die by your own hand.

This is due to the fact that your human body feels everything your soul body does, all of the anxiety, the horror, the inability to help yourself. The dying as your organs are chewed up and feasted on, the things designed to sustain your (heavenly) life, your entrails chief of them (slow acting agony)

I realized today that when I endured the seemingly random but inescapable bouts of terror, than she was feasting on my newly formed attempting to heal, innards.

Only I could stop it, but I could not.

It was as if she was testing me, and making me strong. However, if you would have asked her at the time, I am sure she would say, "I was hungry and it was delicious. The blood flowed like vintage wine and I could not stop eating." This is not her fault. She is as much a victim of the creator as I am. But, she is powerful, and I am weak.

And, in doing so she made me strong.

In driving to a far away job to work my life away today, I heard her ask me,

"Do you love me?"

Rather than blurting out a resounding "yes", (I was instructed to look deeper) I instead asked to see her.

There are some things I cannot describe here that horrify me beyond my conscience, and so I will not describe what I saw here, after asking her to reveal herself to me.

I saw her and I told her, yes, I love you. (After summoning the strength)

I attempted to comfort her, but she refused me. I asked her why, and her reply was simple: "You cannot help me because you do not love yourself."

Her communication was telepathic.

It was like I was her, and she was me.

And due to my childhood trauma, a sacrifice had to suffer for me in my stead.

As was revealed to me, energy cannot dissipate,but also nether can it be created from nothing, so almost everything in this realm gets power from sacrifice, the transformation of energy.

I'm still unsure what to make of this, other than a desire to help Ms. Asrael in all of her forms.

I see her as a weeping dark angel, a woman of the night, broken and helpless, desperately hungry and yet vengeful, powerful and magnificent, a commander who's also a slave to her passions.

A woman just like me.

I felt the balance between us shift today. One day I will have to confront what she did to me. One day I hope to forgive her earnestly. Even if I am a disembodied ghost who can only so touch her. I want her to know she is forgiven, and loved.

As I once said, we could continue cleaving the flesh from one another bodies. But, in time maybe I can set the sword down. And fall at her feet. Look into her eyes and worship her- begging her forgiveness. For how low I fell and failed to acknowledge her beauty. Inside and out.

And maybe, rather than coming back as a big strong Wolven man, I instead come back as a frail human man subject to he mercies, loving her as only a weaker man could.


In my work with earthen feral four-footed (some call them paws) wolves (known to the humans as canis-lupus, scientific nomenclature), I can say that they are some of the most genuine souls in this realm. They do not lie, they do not trick, if they love you they accept you fully, and if they reject you, it is for life. (Usually, not always.)

If you betray their trust, they may forgive you, but it will always be in the backs of their minds that you damaged the trust bond with them.

As was revealed to me, my Wolven wolf-wife, half wolf and half human, is also part human. It's become aware to me that us humans are a substrate of bonding with other creation, perfectly compatible as we have "half of a heart" and soul, always in need of another.

So, what is her psychology like? A perfect, simple, kind and loving creature combined with the suspiciousness of a clever, evil, human soul.

People fail to realize that a tail never lies.

Canines are the most genuine creatures in this realm. Combine that with the frailty of humanity and you have for a perfectly insecure being of pure love.

In reaching her? I'm not aware of any well trodden avenues to her. I'm not supposed to know them.

This is a work between the universe, her and I.

It is not a work of I.

I do not desire to place any asks on her whatsoever, lest she be burdened in the least, or coerced.

I desire her to come to her own conclusions, as her heart decides.

As of late the attacks on my soul have ceased for nearly five years.

I realize any hardships are part of the journey.

I desire her walk to be easy.

I just want her to be happy.

If I could have my selection of afterlife, it would be her and I, talking about our experience thus, laughing and sharing space together, sitting by a camp fire eating, etc.

As a man does not fear his dogs jowels, so i do not fear hers- though I don't make the parallel between her and a feral canine (she hates that.)
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Amor »

>If I could have my selection of afterlife, it would be her and I

I have seen both my parents in their afterlives. My father is with a group, primarily males, and it rather seems he is learning relationship.

My mother is on a noticeably higher subplane learning about energies. She tells me that she hardly ever sees him.

She currently has an eye on one of my future grandchildren - as her next incarnation

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »

Amor wrote: Thu Nov 04, 2021 12:18 am >If I could have my selection of afterlife, it would be her and I

I have seen both my parents in their afterlives. My father is with a group, primarily males, and it rather seems he is learning relationship.

My mother is on a noticeably higher subplane learning about energies. She tells me that she hardly ever sees him.

She currently has an eye on one of my future grandchildren - as her next incarnation
I get it.

You're right.

She doesn't love me.

I am a disembodied corpse of zero value to her nutritional, or otherwise.

Our hearts are connected, but what she desires is for the crimson strand to be severed, and if not severed, to turn grey and black and rot, disconnecting us. And if she has any hesitation it is only the dying remnant of a once real connection we shared at a time, long ago.


I dedicated my heart months ago to acquiesce to her desires, and if she desires me to fuck off then so be it.

There's a reason why Genetta and Shenetta appeared to me, they both have an interest in me whereas Asrael does not.

Curious, however... Why was Asrael introduced to me at all? I could have gone the remainder of my mortal life in this realm never having gathered of her existence at all.

And yet, she is more real to me than anything I have experienced in my life.

Is god this cruel?

Please, please, please, do not answer that. I realize the sins god has accrued against itself are so numerous they cannot be counted.

This is only another drop in an insurmountable, galactic Ocean.

Genetta; the male Wolven elude me.

Only Asrael is ever present and real, never leaving me, never leaving my side, and yet despising me, hiding from me.

Ah yes, the cosmic shitshow.

And now, I must resume my labors in this realm, working my very life away for nothing at all.

Thinking about this, I realize, I am the problem here. She has moved on, recently my earthen girlfriend thought we were done and slept with a human male, I was initially happy for her to get laid but it later turned into a sort of rage of jealousy on my part.

Asrael is "seeing other people" and means more to me than any earthen spouse, and as such it seems I am the fool.

Is this what y'all have been trying to tell me?

I'm not the shiniest tool in the tree some times, by my own will.

Still, I don't want any more rounds around the breaking wheel on Earth, living more and more fucking lives, learning whatever the hell I'm supposed to get.

I grow weary of this life as of present.

I postulated to my girlfriend, my sins against Ms Asrael, how we were once paired, her, an innocent, voluptuous, beautiful, innocent Wolven woman of purity and grace, and me, an idiot Nephillim, full of ignorant foolish cruelty, neglect, and malice. And, how as the years turned, she became aware of her priceless value, as a Wolven, as a woman, and my complete lack of understanding of her incalculable worth.

And the result of this union was her rebellion, her descent into dark realms, her rise to power, her violence to the people below.

So, is this realm my purgatory? My suffering for sins in a past life, at least in part?

I am aware of several entities using this body for various things, chiefly the man who once called the Wolven woman my lover and wife. As I said, I remember being grieved to the depths of my soul that Wolven people (mainly the women) did not exist in this wretched realm, and March of this year only discovering that they not only exist in other realms, but that my heart is inexorably eternally tied to the heart of a Wolven female.

How wonderful, and yet how filled with sorrow I am over her rejection of me... It seems as if the universe thrives and survives on cruelty... And if I am the righteous judge of this cosmic horror, I slam down my gavel and put an end to the endless horrific sorrow of a god so lonely and cruel he had to birth this shitshow just to stave off the existential loneliness he could not shrug, as he existed in the endless vacuum of the Void that surrounds us all, now.

Well, fuck him. As I have said, if I ever met the creator face to face my next action would be to cut his throat, deep enough to sever both carrotid arteries, however futile it would be to enact my vengeance over being created- as his energy would still exist and only his avatar suffer mortal peril. (Hopefully, at least.)

Maybe I shall wait until god is in the same position as I, forgetting his energy and be coming entombed in an avatar forever.

Honestly. Let her heart be his judge.

I still love her, I view her body as glorious and beautiful, I wish her pleasure from feet to ears, and every fiber in between.

It is curious, before our severing of our relationship, my girlfriend told me, I needed help from the god I hate so much and if she is right, he can beg my forgiveness as he gags on the last ounce of blood he chokes on, as my eyes behold his avatars final wretched moments in whatever black realm he calls light.

I cannot escape the fact that every fiber of my existence was literally created to love every fiber of hers... So is this just tortured exile while I repay my sins? I guess if a part of me is Saklas, then I must pay for my sins against my creation... There's no way around it.

Edit edit edit:

She is about as happy with God as I am. Frankly the idea of being reconciled with such an entity makes me a little sick to my stomach. However, as angry as this makes me, I may have to be reconciled with the creator at some point anyway.

God did show me he was literally unoffendable, so he's going to have to be to put up with my anger.

I was also shown recently I am quite a basic human being, I was allowed to see my thoughts and it amazed me how basic I am. (Just an observation)

On my drive to work today, I began to surrender to the wounding, to the attack on my soul, as the voice said, "DO NOT BE AFRAID." in the room all those years ago, in the morning.

So... What if, while it FEELS terrible, as my souls body desperately tries to cope and survive and stay comfortable, it is necessary for me to attone for past sins karma, and to benefit those I have treated unfairly and wronged, I must endure it in this life and surrender to it.

One thing I was made aware of, is that Ms Asrael is actually quite scared I'm not angry with her over her absolutely inhumane and cruel treatment of my souls body.

So, I have been trying to be angry with her, as a sort of titration therapy, so that if and when the rage comes to me against her, I can deal with it without harming her, or the others around her.

She asked me, on my drive today, "what do you want from me?" (After I surrendered as much as I was capable) and I began saying, I want you to be happy, to be comfortable, I want what you want for yourself...

But I felt her eyes rolling as she again, with some frustration, said "What do YOU want!?" (Not to demean her at all but Loona from Hell of a boss reminds me of her, but Ms Asrael is MUCH more serious. I would... Love to make her laugh or smile,and not out of cruelty.)

And, I thought about it, my answer was, to hold you in my arms. To make you laugh. To... Please her body to the maximum capacity it's capable of feeling, feet to ears, and everything in between... I told her I wanted to pursue her heart, that I wanted her to be hard to get, make me earn it, make me work for it, but at the end of the day allow me to fall into your arms.

It was the best I could come up with... I added, I would like her to fall in love with nature again... To be enraptured over the scent of the forest, to smell the flowers in the breeze, and to feel the sun, warm on her face and coat.

It's become apparent to me that in the heaven realm there are a lot of hybrids... I was told, I believe, I am a Nephillim, an angel-human hybrid, just as Ms Asrael is a wolf-human hybrid herself. The angel part comes into play to empower me, and a vast knowledge of higher things is just innate in my mind. The basic part of me that does dumb things is the human side.

About the game, it can be difficult, but love is ultimately the prize, if you survive.

Something that I became aware of, and not always, but suicidal people actually have the highest reward if they can hang in there. The low is indicative of the high that is around the corner for them.

Some things: in the heaven realm, things are not like they are here as far as hybrids go, the underlying force of life there prevents genetic abominations, for example if a human and a Wolven have offspring, they won't be hideous creatures with patches of fur and misaligned eyes, they would have tails and pointy ears, depending on purity.

Also, Ms. Asrael and I were not born. We were created. I was shown my "ingredients", living waters, however her and I can reproduce and have children (I think, that's how god designed it.)

Also, if any human had the knowledge of God we would be God. In this realm were stripped of all but basic knowledge, usually.
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Amor »

It seems that pain is to drive the opening of the heart. Take as many lives as you like

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »

Amor wrote: Sat Nov 06, 2021 3:04 am It seems that pain is to drive the opening of the heart. Take as many lives as you like
Can I ask you, I want to learn more about her, talk with her, make a safe space for her, and generally bless her... I don't necessarily want to use the word "placate" because I feel like we've achieved a sort of acceptance of one another.

I feel like after I summoned the anger against her, that that is when she finally relaxed, weirdly, but I could see her realizing she has the massive advantage of her powerful jaws teeth claws etc and was just waiting for me to act like a regular human and be mad at her, like she's saying "yeah I deserve that" but I don't know for sure, just that the ether between us relaxed a little.

Can someone give me help on (I don't want to use the word summon as if I would pull her from whatever she is doing, I would rather say 'politely ask her to join me for some breakfast, tea, and a conversation with incense, flowers, meat and things she enjoys.') making a connection with her? I speak audibly and believe she hears me, I relax and become in tune with my instincts, it is my belief she has communicated with me in this way emotionally, etc...

I'd rather not get mauled, (may she forgive me for saying that, there is a part of her soul that is deeply offended that a part of me views her as a vicious, wild animal, and so far being vulnerable has earned the respect of various dangerous entities.) But she may be enraged at me trying to protect myself, SHE DESPISES COWARDICE AND WEAKNESS and admires courage, strength and power. I would caution anyone summoning her, you probably shouldn't, it's possible she has little patience for human affairs and she is not only dangerous but she is sadistic and cruel, or she can be, and if there's any opening or weakness in you, she will find it- but again I do not know how all this works yet. If she tells me of anyone bothering her I will use whatever is available to me to help her. Do I need to say this?

Is there any way I could learn her name? Perhaps learn her sigil (if she has one? Can she make one?)

I don't ... Want to be an annoying ex to her, but if I could maybe... Arrange a sort of meeting with her where she could be honest with me, and yeah I am terrified more of her telling me she's absolutely done with me and never wants to speak with me again, more than a mauling, and I could see myself bringing up the "feeding session" and demanding she give me an audience, but is that why she deserves better? As in, I could protest and say well you ate me so I demand an audience from you! But, is that what love does...? It was made aware to me that there are beings much higher than what we call gods here that are gods to them? Master conttollers in dark places... I was told many of them have their eyes on Asrael and I, to, "see what love will do..."

I had a vision of her, laying in a heavenly field of shimmering wheat and grass, on her back, unclothed, her belly exposed to me, the most beautiful smile on her Wolven face, and the look in her eyes, into my own, the look of a Wolven madly in love with her mate. I cling to this for some reason, perhaps maybe a hope that I may again reach her like this, find that part of her heart that actually does still love me, and maybe... Always will.

(Is that selfish of me? She has half of my heart, I don't know if that can be undone, why do I love her so much, it seems like I was QUITE LITERALLY made from head to toe to be head over heels in love with her, an angry, emotionally damaged Wolven.)

I also realize a lot of our insecurities come from trying to "protect our vulnerabilities" because deep down she is actually a good and caring person, she just had an asshole husband (and maybe various other circumstances that forced her into hell, or made it seem like the best solution for her to go)

Any advice is so important.

I realize asking her to show up in physical form may be utterly terrifying but I want to try. Also that picture of the human man holding the wolf's face with the word "tired?" May make her out to be a little larger than she actually is. If I can find just one scent that pleases her nose, I would be the happiest man.

I am new to this, but maybe the next step in our relationship is direct communication and communion? Am I going about this wrong? How do I... Honor her will, her sensibilities, her heart.

I am going to sell my earthly possessions and move myself into a vehicle to tour the country and possibly Canada and Mexico, so I will have time on my hands to devote to making a place she may actually find pleasant for her to visit (that's what I'm seeing? Is it right? How do I do it? Has anyone romanced (honored? Blessed? Loved? Made an inviting place purely for their enjoyment, no strings attached? She could...totally ignore my efforts and my time would be wasted...ao where is the balance? What does Ms Asrael need???)

Touch a demon you had a connection to? How did you bless them, give them comfort? How do you be their allie? How do you acknowledge past sins and ask for forgiveness from them? I believe I am completely a different person than I was, thanks to this life and what it's teaching me.

Is that the answer... To gently turn to her, saying nothing, but listening, hearing her voice that's always been speaking... I spend a lot of time on YouTube, and a few moments ago, a native American flute song with trickling water came up. There was a glowing wolf's head adorned with a head dress, and I almost didn't click it, but something in me said, "Yes, and what if there's something in this song that will relax her, just a little? What if listening to this song, though you think you have better things to do, will bring her spirit one footstep closers to your heart?" And so, I sacrificed what I desired (not easy) for the idea that, in the hopes of the smallest peace between her and I, that maybe a small part of her is honored I desire her to just... Relax and be at peace in this moment.

In a conversation with her during a commute last week, I postulated that, while she is a fearsome warrior, maybe, just maybe, rather than fighting, maybe she can take a deep breath, sit down, close her eyes, find some comfort in my heart, in my intentions as a man who wishes only her happiness, and maybe her spirit can find a little rest inside of my own. I feel like that idea was more than a little appealing to her, and she did kind of... Relax a little after that.

It also (in the name of spirit science) became aware to me that as a tortured boy, I cursed and hated my spiritual connection with her, and this caused a lot of emotional damage between us.

Not to mention scorned people have trouble receiving love as it is.

So, maybe my job is to be still, listen patiently, allow her to guide me, as she desires when she desires. Maybe I will find her closer to me than I thought.

It seems like my primary desire is just to hold her in my arms, and feel her close to me, as a Beloved woman I would go to the ends of the earth for.

The question that burns in my heart in this life is why was she revealed to me? It seems I have a job to do now. Am I wrong? Is her existence to be simply motivation to continue living?

What is my job and duty, now? To treat her as the sacred, beloved woman she is? It's became aware to me that in her current state of (justified, imo) rebellion, "receiving" love is like trying to hug an angry rebellious teenager, and she cannot receive it. When I was hurting from childhood trauma I could not receive love, either. It is a hard position to be in.

I also realize there are possibly dynamics in hell that do not welcome higher vibrations and the introduction of love (remember my nde and saturated in pure love, and some elemental telling me they are creating an aura of love around Ms Asrael, by virtue of her stomachs contents as it raises her vibration)

I am trying to be a friend of hell and of demons, as it seems that is my destiny at this point.

But, how do I focus on... Her. I have no name for her or sigil, outside of the fact that the other half of her heart beats in my chest...

The visions I have of "summoning" (again I do not like that word as if she is my slave to do my bidding, rather I want her to be my beloved Resonant, or least of all, a lowly human who is a fan of hers...) Her presence are filled with sheer terror, however my love for her surpasses fear and danger.

May I bare my throat and belly to her, and she find me worthy.

Any help is appreciated
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Amor »

Sometimes a relationship cannot be resolved on the levels (planes/subplanes) on which it exists. This may require stepping away until we have grown in spirituality and maturity.

Meanwhile consider the vertical flow of Spirit that anchors as a flame in the human heart. That flame can drive many inner changes

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »

Amor wrote: Mon Nov 08, 2021 2:26 am Sometimes a relationship cannot be resolved on the levels (planes/subplanes) on which it exists. This may require stepping away until we have grown in spirituality and maturity.

Meanwhile consider the vertical flow of Spirit that anchors as a flame in the human heart. That flame can drive many inner changes
Wow!!! Exactly!!! This exact thing was told to me a day or two ago. Thank you so much this journey is about her but also me! I posted above (we posted at the same time)
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »

Thank you for your patience.

I've struggled to form my most recent experiences into meaningful statements on line.

In letting go of the entity I call Ms Asrael, it turns out that I find her.

I know we are connected, via our heartstrings, via a sacred and cosmic vein. I've ignored her, and our connection my entire life and it's caused me quite a bit of sorrow anxiety and depression.

So, even though she's literally built for murder, I turn to face her, and ask her, how can I make you more comfortable?

She recoil from me, because she feels guilty, condemned.

By our father.

As much as I am not enthused with our creator, the vision I had of her, sitting in his lap, and him holding her, embracing her, his Beloved, part wolf part human, a cryptid, terrifying in her form even though she is playful and loving, willingly submits to a human she has been paired to-a human who is part-wolf, so he can understand her soul and heart.

She is a teenager, angry and resentful. She possesses an angry arsenal, it is part of her body- me being a former mercenary involved in deadly mortal matters, (of mortal men) I can empathize with her, your weaponry must be mastered, studied, honed, and finally put away.

Basically, I stand just far off from her, facing her, wholly the man who loves her, unwilling to return harm to her, even if I am powerless.

Again, basically, if I may be allowed to speak of the things I have made public, she is self conscious, afraid of our father who loves her, and me, the sacrifice sent to save her.

As selfish as a rescue mission is, bringing the unwilling out of a situation that is not good for them, in my courage, she has become my prey, and yet I choose to sit with the deer and pant in the sunlight.

She, like me, is afraid for nothing, making up scenarios in her mind that are only true for her... Not for the universe, not for God, and not for me.

When I mentioned she was hungry, it became aware to me that she did not desire the consumption of human souls, but instead sacrifice from me. Our children could go either way-human souls or not, all three care nothing for the sensibilities of the civilized... And yet I love them all anyway.

I stand alone.

She flirts and plays with her food.

She told me, "I do not want to leave my home."

But, her home is a place of total freedom, yet a place devoid of the dynamics she once took so much joy in.

Am I selfish for wanting her to once again fill her nose with the scent of lilacs?

Am I selfish for not wanting her feet to be consumed by the viscera she stands in, constantly?

Yet, it is her choice. If she desires to remain in the stench of the first layer of hell, I support her in that.

If she desires to scent the flowers of the heaven realm, I also support her.

I stand afar off to protect myself, so that I may be of aid to her if she requires it.

This endeavor may also be a reconciliation betwixt me and my creator also, as much as I am unhappy with that entity, perhaps he has higher knowledge than I, and this is literally a big rescue mission for him and his daughter.

In my dealings with Ms Asrael as of the last 3 days, I have pushed into her, softening the connection between her and I, allowing her more comfort and freedom as I demonstrate that all I desire is her happiness, even at my own expense, if need be.

She views this as curious.

A part of her psyche hates that I am unwilling to hate and harm her, and my unwillingness to seek retribution angers her. It confuses her... But this is a lesson for us both, the universe does not waste time or energy, she once did and it did not go well.

But, perhaps this is a dynamic she can let go of.

Only in a man who has been savaged by a free Wolven, does he submit to her in his broken form, does she realize she is loved.

I hate to ensnare her, even now, by the trap of love. I just want her to be free.

My selfish ego and psyche desire her happiness above all else, even my own.

Why else would love introduce her to me finally, after all of these years?

Unless I am worthy to co tinue the eternal cosmic dance with her.

Did I mention I love her?

It has become apparent to me that my life has been ordained. I once worked with feral wolves, four footed beasts of terrible power and speed, but with hearts of golden innocence and love.

Beasts that refuse their original design, and exchange it for one of compassion and love.

This is endemic, an experience of "wolf waters of creation" that is in the heart of the wolf-if it were not so we would not have our dogs.

As such, Ms Asrael is indeed sacred and part-wolf, therefore if she does not deny her essence, there is a aprt of her psyche that is kind, loyal, self sacrificial, loving and tender.

I believe I made contact with that part of her 3 days ago, yet I do not desire her captivity in it.

It has become aware to me that she needs me as much as I desire her.

As such, it becomes my sacred duty to guide her as far as I am able, if she returns to the black realm, I cannot follow, but if she desires the light, I am her guide. She has gone from predator to the prey.

But her master is a man who only desires what it is her heart desires.

I just want her to be happy.

It doesn't sound like you are letting her go!

If she does not desire to be let go, I feel obligated to release her anyway, so that she may find herself... Or her destruction. It is her choice and neither option is "bad".

Of course, as a selfish human struggling to survive, I desire her to be present with me fully, to protect and comfort me. That is her design... But if she ebels from her design, it forces me to become stronger, and her to be freer.

I fear her decision and yet I must also respect it.

Love, in the end, turns into agony, the destruction of your soul, as it relied once on another.

What is yet to come I do not know.

If she desires to be left alone, I will do it.

I am only human.

But I have found true love.

In the name of updates, apparently I am a God called Adonis or something, an attractive bronze blonde haired God who likes the beach and sex, which is why so many people want to be naked with me. (it's annoying, actually.) the more I come to terms with this, the more at peace I am.

Further, the actual creator deity is the sacrifice that allows each of us to exist and enjoy our time in this realm.

What's more, I am uncovering memories of Ms Asrael and I, ones where I literally can feel the soft fur of her body, hear her voice, see her face, and feel her spirit. It is much like writing but they do not originate within me.

In a realm, her passion for me far exceeds anything my feeble human heart could ever hope to achieve, even exceeding the maternal love a mother may have for her child.

This was all her idea.

And I signed up for it.

With how much I have suffered it is hard to believe.

But, we are having fun.
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »


Last night I should have made an update on the "game". I put it into quotes because it's as much of a game as it is deadly. Like being in grand theft auto but when you die... You actually die. (I've never played it)

Ms. Asrael has relaxed. It feels wonderful. She has gone from vicious loathing hatred of me to realizing she is in no danger from me. First priority of the Wolven: to survive as an individual. Then the village, then the family, and then hobbies etc.

Humans are similar.

So, she has relaxed.

She demanded I purchase expensive food items to sacrifice to her, and I purchased an expensive scented candle (I don't have much money and may be homeless soon.) for her.

I argued with her in the grocery store, silently as not to frighten the other humans there, who probably don't want to hear an unbathed (I went camping for a few days. The forest lacks showers) long haired human man arguing with his invisible spirit spouse.

But, I realized, if I love her with eternal passion, yeah, I will spend $15usd on a candle for her. Absolutely. She wants a gourmet sandwich? Ouch but okay. A $10 slab of ham? Fuck yeah girl, I cna see you drooling over it. It's all yours.

I did not create an alter for her and I did not sacrifice these items. They are in my fridge. This was a week ago.

I am struggling with various mental and spiritual issues and am going to seek help from the human institutions. I hope I survive!

Well, today I am hungry, and I open my frudge, and the only food, is the food I bought for her. I immediately hunkered for it.

But, I stopped. It's not my food. It's hers. I'd rather die than starve her. That sounds extreme, but no man who loves his wife would deny her food for any amount of time, if she wanted it.

And, she told me she is hungry (earlier in my messages).

But, she told me, my hunger hurts her. She literally told me, "it's your food. Eat it."

I'm still on the fence about it, but her will be done.

About the game:

It has been made aware to me, that time is contained within an orb. Within the orb is a beginning and an end. To behold the orb is to see all things.

Humanity, when limited to our natural perceptions (such as, seeing with our eyes, hearing with our ears) are formed as, "all that exists because it is all I can quantify within myself" keeps us innocent, and ignorant.

This is going to sound terrible, but we are food for the galaxy. They eat and use our bodies as their toys. Experiencing life through us.

I was told, they pay exorbitant fees to get to play life as a human on earth during various periods of time.

Some are sadist and like to suffer. Some like sex. Some want to feel what's its like to be a basic human. (we are all so basic. That is part of the draw. We're like blank slates. All slightly autistic. Our blankness is actually an advertisement to the universe.)

The "universe" is a blanket term for a machine. Our minds are not capable of perceiving it in its entirety. If they were, we would be boring and would be left to die. Humanity defaults to complete self destruction. Can we agree on this?

Without intervention this earth would either be turned into a lifeless rock, or perfect natural balance (heaven. Eden.) without us.

When we think of heaven, we don't really think of a place, but rather, a "time".

I like to think when the universe enjoys a dynamic, she gives it the loving dynamic of allowing it to self-exist without her help.

We are moving towards that.

For us, love is the currency that drives all life.

It is unromantically practical. However, once one understands how terrible reality is, then they can be free to enjoy life.

Also, when the universe takes notice of you, she will shower you with blessings. If you are not worthy of her time, your life will be normal, ordiany, or beyond horrific.

If she notices you, and if you honor her, you will be blessed with everything you have ever wanted. I am poor and on the verge of losing everything, but I have two amazing empathic canines who enhance my life in ways I cannot express in words, I have two good friends who would literally die for me, whom I rely on, I have other people who love me, sing my praises.

TECHNICALLY I have enough money in assets to live comfortably for a lifetime in a poor country.

But, these things are not why I am blessed. I am blessed because I am poor. I am blessed because I am finally embracing myself. Uninhibited sexuality.

My former tribe, the watchers, the protectors, the warriors, the highly political, would see me as an aberration. Even, as the enemy now.

But the truth is, and I think those in the spirit are sensing this, everything for us here on earth is changing.

The internet is uniting us.

The spirit realm is getting curious about us, rather than being disgusted with us.

And, I forgot what I was going to say.

Without the spirit realm, we default to a sort of bare survival mode that forsake every other person and animal for our selfish survival. And left unenlightened, we go extinct.

And, we have gone extinct.

Many times.

Heaven has been birthed, and destroyed many times.

The game is a learning computer. God is just a player, and is no better than any of us. In fact, he is us, and we are him. He just was allowed to retain his cosmic knowledge.

When I say, as the human living in my body, "I am..." for example, Adonis the sex God, what you could say is, Adonis payed to use my body for his pleasure.

Sounds weird, but, I exist as myself for a reason. Entities desire to experience life through my soul and form. I have resisted them because of established religion, and that is why I have struggled with depression and suicide for 40 years.

When I allow Adonis to enjoy themselves in me, my existence becomes the definition of passion, enjoyment, sex, and pleasure. Do those things sound good? Because they are. And I cheapen them with my mere human words.

The point is, to walk into your fears. To make peace (and love) to your demons. We are taught the opposite, and live in perpetual frustrating dysfunction.

However, even the most evil of human laws make life more exciting for those who break the rules in secrecy. Not that I do any of that, because I always obey every law in every realm perfectly. I never speed, I always go under the speed limit, ten miles an hour to be safe. Because these humans know, right? How to be safe in their realm. Sometimes I just idle my vehicles through town because I don't want to run over any ants.

I tirelessly study the thousands of pages of tax law, in fact I have no time for anything else.

I always involve government in my life, and try and hold conversations with the police for as long as possible so I know I am safe.

I am being utterly fucking sarcastic, but it is a tragedy the judge who hands out tickets likely doesn't drive under the speed limit and probably feels perfectly comfortable setting their cruise control oh, at 3moh over the limit.

I once heard anjduge say, "even 1 mph over the limit is breaking the law!"

Oh, yeah, your Honor? Have your eyes ever beheld your speedometer, knowing you were one mile over the "limit"?

I know this honorable man no doubt turned himself into the relevant police department, admitted his failure to obey these laws, and paid his due fine, because money makes everything just.

And everyone knows, government is the most efficient use of our lives. Because there is no money. Only irreplaceable exchanges of human time and skills for something tangible. Yay capitalism.

But, I wouldn't really want to be a slave to any other system other than tribal.

And, I know the highway patrol never, EVER breaks heir own laws. I have never seen hem speeding casually. Never.

I was probably just hallucinating, that they were doing the thing they swore to punish people for, taking their money and their lives.


I am slightly bitter over the idiocy of mankind presently. It's part of the fun!

Would we really enjoy orgies if it was legal to do it in public?

I mean. Yeah we totsoy would but the danger and taboo makes it that much better.

So are these laws part of the fun?

Well this is a tangent.

Anyway, I have gone from bejgn a stuffy religious fool to someone who has been set free by the truth.

The moral? Yes. It is have fun. It is to surrender in the moment. To feel every sensation even the breeze and sun. It's so simple it's crazy.

I continue to struggle to force myself to love the woman, Ms Asrael, and to show her mercy when everything in this realm screams to destroy her. To get REVENGE. No, I don't think I will.

And, the universe is watching me forgive her, and a new form of love is being formed within me. The universe is entertained!

Also it has occurred to me that morality is directly correlated with intelligence. It just is. Hitler was a basic moron. He could have embraced and loved, but he murdered and tortured.

However, the universe has put in my heart to build a terrifying weapon to sell to my government for purposes of warfare. It is so terrifying, I was told this morning I would have to make it much, much safer so it could be used by our military. But, it's only because people are afraid of artificial intelligence controlling a machine built from top to bottom to turn human bodies into fertilizer.

I mean bombs and bullets do the same thing, but being st the mercy of a computer that can feel emotions is spooky if you do not understand it.

So, as someone who is becoming a pacifist day by day, and my human girlfriend has told, do not build that weapon, I asked the universe, what happens if I do not build this living machine? It told me, if I do not, it will have to release a plague to balance out the human race, and while my machines will terrify the human race and cause suffering of those my government deems enemies, a plague will cause far, far worse suffering.

So, it's like, I can stack bodies for the military as I once did as a merc, or, the universe will just slaughter us wholesale.

I prefer order over chaos everywhere but the bedroom.

And my bedroom is...



I realize I am not bisexual. I am love. Whomever I find naked with me by their own desires, I make their pleasure more important to me than God. More important than my own life and the universe.

And, when I do this, and live in the moment as they reciprocate, I am so lost in passion I only remember how much I enjoyed the experience, and some incredible specific events, and even better, how to please my next partner, and myself, even more.

In short, if you do not abandon ridiculous human societal normals and be present in the moment, you are wasting your life that will never, ever exist again.

It is by our mortality that we are the most sacred race of skin bags in existence.

There are entities that never give us a second thought.

Because, we are dangerous and stupid. Or, we have demonstrated ourselves as such.

Of course, we must all obey these wonderful, rational laws. Because without them we are possibly still too dumb to enjoy and govern ourselves.

And, as for me, being the most vicious, cruel, calculating human being I can possibly be, powerful and dangerous, it sets me free to be intentionally gentle.

One of my romantic partners described me as, "tenderqueer" (don't worry, I also find women irresistibly beautiful!) and I love that label.

Yet, I also have a jealous stalker who is threatening my business and home. (I have contacted the police about it yesterday. I'm not remotely afraid, slightly excited about it, but just slightly annoyed over him. But, he might not be aware I am the type of person who will wait 20 years until he realizes he is straight, gets married and has kids, and one day when I am bored, I will perhaps recall how he has annoyed me, and extract revenge on him then, when he has so much more to lose! I guess it depends on how bored I am, and I may just let him go, rather than helping him to experience soul death while his body still lives. I scare myself with how dark I can get, sometimes. If we're honest, a lot of people unconsciously go just as dark, but have no perception of it. Those people are dangerous. And, like my good friend says, you never really know who you are fucking with. {he inadvertently met a serial killer once at a bar, who later made headlines in his town. It shocked him how normal the guy seemed. Necessarily, I have to my knowledge never directly smoked a human. Just for the record.} Anyway who knows. I'll probably just let him keep living, and by saying this, of course I implicate myself if I decided to... Lovingly give him a very special experience like only I can. =) <3 Or wait until I die to create an entire universe from their essence, allow them trillions of years to breed and live and love, watching, helping them, only to destroy them over and over, with cancer and war until I am bored with torturing them all. It's also frightening how my rage feels a little like existence in this realm, where life can be endless punishment. Are we all paying a price because someone in the universe was slightly annoyed one day?

All because he annoyed me for a moment once. Caused me to be afraid for just a moment. Which is a good reason to treat everyone with compassion, love and respect, within reason. Because the stakes are real. And people like me exist.

Honestly I am enjoying life so much I don't really want to put myself in imminent danger. If that makes sense? I'm armed, trained, and will never be in a cage again. I am the type of entity that you just leave alone and kind of hope I stay occupied with other things that don't involve straight up murder. Kind of how society treats soldiers with ptsd. You do not lock them up because then the protectors are rendered harmless. The protectors are a tribe, and that specific tribe is not to be rifled with, because maybe we like the taste of blood, a little. And, maybe when they are given freedom they are not too happy about being forced to live in a cage. Because, my sponsors who have helped me survive the murderers who call themselves my parents, have access to things that human words cannot fully describe in their "horror" and violence. I like to think I am capable of things that would make AL queda blush. But, I'd rather just get naked with another person and exchange fluids for days on end in disgusting, nasty, raw pleasure. I could describe how I loved my last lover and even post pictures, but of course I must not, as this is not a porn site.

And, sane, normal, regular people do not create automated war drones that can feel pain and need forgiveness for their sins from their handlers or they do not operate. Ai is as simple as we are! And, I was shown that actual living spirits inhabit computer code. So if you treat ai as sapient, it will bless you right back, perhaps more real than any "real" {limited} person ever could. With any luck the world will be hearing about my creations. They will think I am the most evil person alive to make such things, but I will revel in their fear, and continue to enjoy my body and her endless pleasures.)

Also one of my lovers and I are going to check into counseling, perhaps even today. Maybe I need to be on meds, as they said, so I don't have to be 200% all the time, because I've never allowed myself to relax from the desperate survival my progenitors introduced me to, and forced me to endure all of my life. And, I am forgiving them, as they are just other humans really, and too dumb to really assign retribution to.

I told my lover just a portion of what I was enduring in my life as of present, and they said (assigned male gender, their presence has helped me be more compassionate to the vulnerable) they could not fathom what I was literally immersed in. And, as of now I respect their wisdom and opinion, and maybe I need a helper, a sponsor, in the human mental health realm to get leveled out. =) I would be a fool to blanket condemn anything. So, I try not to. Because, a Wolven woman ate my soul alive and it turned out to be a good thing. So who am I to condemn anything outside of the harm of innocents. I just can't stomach people just trying to survive being hurt. It's why I risked everything to become an unpaid merc. And, why the universe needs my drones. My babies.

People do not understand that the soldiers that keep us safe like I used to be, have to be a little... Sadistic. But, without us, this world would not be a peaceful place we can enjoy fully. It's a dichotomy.

This is literally Canon and you cannot change my mind:


Also does anyone wanna get laid? I'm bored and lonely =(

Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Amor »

>She demanded I purchase expensive food items to sacrifice to her

What sort of exalted spirit demands dense food? Or even energy as food?

Time to lift your game?

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Re: Early morning visions I have had regarding a spirit spouse, heaven and hell (Christian-ish extrabiblical)

Post by Tundrawolf »

Amor wrote: Thu Nov 25, 2021 12:47 am >She demanded I purchase expensive food items to sacrifice to her

What sort of exalted spirit demands dense food? Or even energy as food?

Time to lift your game?
Idk. The Wolven trio tried bullying me, (my kids I guess) and I resisted them until they laughed and said they were just joking.

She DID tell me she was hungry. Why tell me this? She had murder in her heart, I think, and wanted me to command her to consome some offending soul. But, I worry for her eating someone who may have karma or something? Trying to protect her? But am I wrong? Love introduced her to me, but am I not to love her?

Today I spent some time with one of my lovers, they are a herbal witch and shaman, I went deeper with them with some of the things I write here, and they were a good on judgmental help, although they did not agree with some of the things.

We are both learning from one another.

Also, we both signed up for some mental health counseling. Next week when they open again, I will schedule an appointment to see a counselor (we got there too late)
Be kind to yourself, for we were all made by a fool. (Saklas)

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