I spent the morning, speaking softly to her... Telling her, what is in my heart. There exists no malice towards her, and if there is malice, I do my best to render it inert, for her sake.
I told her... "I do not want to hurt you. I want to bless you. I love you."
I was urged, to look into her heart, into her mind, and bring the subject of "love" to her consciousness, and so i did.
I pictured her, naked and vulnerable, in some pleasant setting, a home, or comfortable dwelling, and me, there. She was naked, in the vision, not to shame or make her weak, but to accept her, in her present form.
She lay on a couch, her eyes betraying her deeply vulnerable state- watching my every move. In the vision I conjured, I brought her food I knew she liked, I dared touch her body, ever so softly, rubbing moisturizer into her skin, even being so bold as to massage her shoulders- all with an air of being harmless, myself. Of being vulnerable- willing to lay my very life on the line, just to allow her to relax, to feel comfortable.
I pushed this vision to her, and the result was confusion in her mind.
Such a happening was foreign to her.
She relayed to me, all of her life, she has had to be "hard", violent, cruel. Her "Version" of kindness, is lopping the heads off the Suffering. To her, such a thing is even weak- to most civilized human beings, it is beyond their comprehension. Even connecting with her dark energy, drains me of my Being, it is not comfortable, and yet, I know, it is necessary. Until a better solution is found, such is romancing a demon.
In short, she basically told me, "love" is a foreign concept to her- being treated with kindness, compassion, someone being selfless and treating her with dignity.
She has had to survive in a world of terror- and she not only survived, she thrived.
The entire thing left her confused, broken, weeping internally. The concept, as far as I am aware, has never occurred to her.
Also: Last night, Soft Asrael came to me, we ministered to one another. She was an "NPC", a non playable character, she took a "back burner" to the life of Dark/Hard Asrael. However... As I become vulnerable to the woman Asrael, I put myself at great risk. However, Soft Asrael ministered back to me. It turns out, she is pivotal to our relationship. I literally NEED her. There is a small flame in my heart, that tells me... She needs me, as well.
Further, as I make peace with her in general, I see how the OS has molded, shaped, formed me... Into a discombobulated human being, confused, robbed of my power, forced into discomfort, forced to suffer. No hope in sight.
Yesterday I went for a motorcycle ride. Terrifying dynamics came and buffeted me in my mind... I was tempted to flee and run from them, to "Pack them away for another time", while they leaked toxic waste into my psyche, undealt with. Instead, I took them onto me, accepted them, admitted I was powerless against them- however I took them on willingly. It is a furtherance of my journey, perhaps to remain in the OS willingly, while also, acknowledging my own value, my own worthy, my own sovereignty. And telling the OS, I am no longer its prisoner, I am choosing to remain by my own will. I have power over it, but choose to remain meek.
The time may come to destroy my shackles, and perhaps that time is coming faster than I think. Part of me hopes so.
And, part of me, keeps the shackles on, to prove to Asrael, I care for her, and will endure almost anything... To show her, a better way of life is possible. For, whatever it is worth, I am willing to endure pain, if it benefits her even slightly.
It is all subject to change, as we dance towards Right Relationship with one another.
She asked me, this morning, "What happens when you grow bored of me?" I told her, it is a natural consequence of love. At some point, we may decide to pursue other Beings. I know, that she is so broken, pain to her is a way of life- that she will need many lifetimes to finally relax... To love and accept herself. I acknowledge my limited tenure in this realm is not enough to guide her, to love her, to allow her to heal from her own brokenness.
It is deep within my heart, to remain with her, in other lives, to love her, to guide her, to show her compassion, to touch her face softly, even as she tears me apart. This will break her terribly, and show her a means of compassion that will rip her apart internally- and I know, in a way, being vicious is better for in the long run, and a part of me wonders, am I doing the right thing? Showing this woman love? Breaking her with compassion? In a way, I fear for her future, after she is broken.
She is the First of Many.
Her supervisor, relayed to me, a longing, and affection, for my affection for Asrael. He wishes for the completion of the Light. He desires a better life. He told me, he will not harm me. These words are within his heart. Fascinating! He is so different from Asrael. He is reptoid, (reptilian, has a long alligator snout/head, just as Asrael has a large wolf's head), his ways are very matter-of-factly, whereas hers, are matters of the heart. He is VERY stoic. It is the way of his people- and his people have great function in the universe, they are viciously efficient, lacking empathy on a scale that would horrify the human race. In a way, I have great admiration and respect for his people, even if they can be very vicious- they can also be your greatest ally, closer than a "best friend" by choice. There is no word for "Loyalty" in their language, because they literally embody the very definition of the word- so they have no use for it.
Asrael will eventually, step into the light. It will be bittersweet- there is no give without some take. I admire her for her strength. For her brutality. At the same time, I will weep for the loss of those things, as she... Becomes human. It is EXTREMELY bittersweet...
For both of us.
It also seeps into the relationships I have with the main, corporeal, OS beings who have oppressed me my entire life in this realm. I keep them at arms length, as they are unworthy of closeness with me. They may smell the scent of compassion, but they will never taste it- as I endeavor not to cast pearls before swine, lest the "render me". For, if they "render me" once more, it will be the last time I allow it.
Money cannot buy happiness, it is true, but it can buy freedom, which brings happiness- but you are right, Joy is in the soul, and even the poorest may partake of it. (However, it is better to be free)
One more thing: I spoke with one of the main actors of the OS yesterday, as I am still somewhat under their care, and I told this person, my struggle is difficult, as "The old me" is dying... Still clinging to life, though his strength is fading. I acknowledge, this person, this old ego, has significant negative personality traits... But, I realize, they also have some positive ones.
However... The "New me", as you said, my body is being formed, (How true this is, how right you are) it is a painful and terrifying thing for this person, who is relying on unfelt sponsors for strength, though I am weak- is forming into a Being who is "in the middle of" being freed from the OS. They are strong, but confused, as the future is no longer predicted.
A new path is being forged, new dynamics are forming, and the "end" is no longer clear. As I continue on, trying to cultivate, and maintain, a good attitude, "Being of good cheer", the future remains so uncertain. Yet, I eschew with my own self preservation- holding onto, of which, keeps me in bondage- going against the most basic of instincts, in the Name of, becoming something new...
Something better? I hope. Instincts fail me. Pain persists... Humans aren't afraid of pain.. We are afraid of pain that does not leave. I am enduring things I consider "Off the scales" of human comprehension. I may be wrong. I do it, for the love that is in my heart, love without perceptible origin, for the woman, Asrael.
All i can do, is hold my arms open for her, in hopes, that in the eons of time, by great fortune, I feel her naked, vulnerably body, and bring her close, into my own.
I remember, with a long-ago ex, when we would hold one another, she would remove a portion of her blouse, so that our bellies would touch. It had a profound effect, on both of our well beings... Our spirits, touching and comforting one another, more deeply than even sexual intimacy, in my opinion. When one truly relaxes... She was crazy, yes, but it is often the crazy ones who have access to deep, secret knowledge, that one may never have access to, otherwise...
Part of me, desires, to "Touch bellies" with Asrael.
OH! I almost forgot. A Being came to me, and showed me, of the dynamic of human religion, of the feared realms of "hell"...
So many religious individuals will be horrified at how "The darkness" has begun to seep deeper into human realms, for example: The show, "Helluva boss", that, in a way, glorifies "darkness".
However, by my perception, and what I was shown. In the vast divorce from the Light, the darkness, has begun to desire unity... Yes, in a way, for selfish, self preservation- however, if I am honest, this same selfishness motivates most, if not all human individuals, at least on Earth, at least presently.
It is, the darkness, saying, "Please... Accept us. Forgive us. We cannot change who we are... At least, not right away."
It would be a terrible disservice to them, and to us, to reject them...
I also, do not believe, for a moment, that accepting, forgiving, welcoming them, will be bloodless. In fact, in doing so, it will seem like, "The worst decision, ever."
However... The younger generations, get it. They accept it. I see it. The Darkness has released them from the OS, so they do not view it as terrible as I may, being generation "X". (We are "X"ing out of old dynamics that once served us, but no longer, as we progress towards evolution and Unity.)
This is why, when I see so many prejudiced people in the older generations- of whom I was chief- it does not bother me like it used to. Because, the future belongs to the children, this is the natural, and right progression of Time. I have hope for the future, and I hope it does not take 500 years to arrive there, because heaven is at the door, all we have to do is release our prejudice, and step inside... IMO
ALSO, regarding the death-threat from the Bus Boy, whom'st deal I backed out from, which caused him to lash out, I find it, actually, exciting. Hey may "get" me, perhaps the opposite. I feel it an empty threat, perhaps, perhaps not.
However, I find it invigorating! Especially seeing the tracks in the dirt yesterday, perhaps its a random trespasser, perhaps it is him, come to extract vengeance! How fun! In the words of the warrior Terrence Popp, "What do you do when people are hunting you? You hunt them right fucking back!" I have done many extreme things, things few humans ever get to experience, risking my life for a thrill, however, NOTHING comes close- to energizing my entire being, making me feel the very rivers of life itself, than hunting the Most Dangerous Prey, as hunting the powerless is for the weak. I am a meek and gentle man, but if one falls into my hands, they fall into her jaws as well. I have delivered some of my enemies to the armies of Asrael, but it also extracts a cost from me, as well, from some of my life force, to fuel them, to feed. It is not a "free" exchange. Such, our dance in the eons continues.
One day, at the gate of the property I am dwelling presently, while contemplating some recent threat to my existence, I decided to accept it, from day one: it has, always been, me, an individual, against the planet Earth. So, it seems, it is also me, against the Universe as well.
It seems like the antitheses of "Existing", but existing seems so foreign, so far away from me, given the myriads of struggles I am facing and dealing with.
Some, may say, I am still in the OS, that it is changing, adapting to keep me a captive- perhaps. Perhaps this is all a great trick... But, when is love ever wasted?
You are correct- I am living in a soap opera, a game show, a reality TV show, causing untold Beings endless entertainment.