Magnetism to 'him'
Posted: Sun May 18, 2014 9:34 am
Hoooo boy. I do hope I get a bit of insight from several dozen people for this little issue I keep running into, because the further I keep going, the more I'm absolutely baffled about it.
First, lets have a bit of story time, and I'll try to make it quick, so there'll be no need for popcorn.
About six years ago or so, I first stumbled upon a website called Joy of Satan, and while I understand /now/ that the site is nothing more than teaching little teens like what I used to be, to become Jew-hating Neo Nazi bigots, it did get my foot in the door in some sort of form of Satanism. During this time of 'worshiping' Satan (Also referred as Enki, Lucifer, father, 'Him', Diablo, and other various names) I found that dedicating my soul to him was the cool thing to do because it would strengthen the bond between me, and him. I had plenty of daddy issues to begin with, and I was more lonely then than I am now, so what was to lose? I'd start hearing voices in my head that would equate to a father figure, total guidance and love from a god that, at the time, was shown to be blasphemed by the Bible. The stories had been written backwards and I believed every word. Write a lengthy letter, sign your name in blood, burn it into a candle, let nature take over, that was basically the entirety of the ritual to dedicate to satan, and as far as I knew, it had worked. I didn't hear any thing or feel any different, but every now and again I'd take notice that my senses were... Elevated. I'd remember a bit more, my health seemed to become steady, I was happier, and I started a meditation regime, though I could never break into a trance, or otherwise. --- It wasn't long until it got me into trouble in school. I started talking about it and it quickly forced me to end 'communications' then and there.
Fast forward several years, I started to hear how bad JoS was, (Joy of Satan, the site) and how that it was nothing more than a neo-nazi brainwashing site. I began to denounce the ritual and became worried that I too was tainted. I'd soon stop with it entirely... I took a few days of research and found out for myself that most of it was bunk, save for some meditations, or so I've been told. Many say it's all garbage, others mention that it revolutionizes meditation skill sets. I find it confusing, due to both sides fighting over it.
But this is where the issue comes in. I feel like I'm lacking something in my life, other than love, satisfaction of self worth and other petty matters. Every now and again, I'll find myself spacing out real hard and just think about Satan, and not the kind that I fell in love with whilst blissfully ignorantly following every word on that site. More of the traditional goat-man sort of style that everyone fears. Even now, I've been noticing more and more shadows running across the edge of my eye. Medically, it's a common thing, and environmentally, there's plenty of things that would give the effect, but it still gets to me because I let it. I don't consider myself very open spiritually, with how little I've ever amounted to in terms of success of 'speaking to the dead' or 'hearing the voice of the devil' or whatever should land me in the funny farm. I mainly meander through websites trying to find decent enough information that offers little to no loop holes and it's hard to find something that peaks interest, has a large following, and a high success rate for Sobs like me.
So my question(s) are going to be a little vague, but hopefully I can find a little peace.
Which style of Satanism is the most accepted and renown in the community that is basically hands down, 'Good source'?
Does anyone have any sort of explanation as to why I have ties still locked to something I tried to put away years ago? Mind you, none of the shadows of this past seem to be dangerous, but they are mind-numbingly blatant and attracting, even if a bit scary. (Actually, I lied. It's really scary.)
And lastly, and probably the most hardest to answer:
I'm not 100% sure of which kind of form of Satanism that I wish to relate to the most. I feel like I'm being lead back here because I have unfinished business, or that I'm trying to be placed back on the right path (or wrong, depending on how you view Satanism.) Is there sort of a questionnaire that would help me define what I wish out of this little religion or is it not Cookie-Cutter defined, like most idealistic religions?
Mess with an Ouija in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm with shadows rolling about: Hardly phased.
Spiders that can fly: Unnerved.
This unnatural draw back to Satanism, despite it doesn't feel negative nor harmful at a glance: Terrifying.
Any and all assistance is greatly appreciated.
First, lets have a bit of story time, and I'll try to make it quick, so there'll be no need for popcorn.
About six years ago or so, I first stumbled upon a website called Joy of Satan, and while I understand /now/ that the site is nothing more than teaching little teens like what I used to be, to become Jew-hating Neo Nazi bigots, it did get my foot in the door in some sort of form of Satanism. During this time of 'worshiping' Satan (Also referred as Enki, Lucifer, father, 'Him', Diablo, and other various names) I found that dedicating my soul to him was the cool thing to do because it would strengthen the bond between me, and him. I had plenty of daddy issues to begin with, and I was more lonely then than I am now, so what was to lose? I'd start hearing voices in my head that would equate to a father figure, total guidance and love from a god that, at the time, was shown to be blasphemed by the Bible. The stories had been written backwards and I believed every word. Write a lengthy letter, sign your name in blood, burn it into a candle, let nature take over, that was basically the entirety of the ritual to dedicate to satan, and as far as I knew, it had worked. I didn't hear any thing or feel any different, but every now and again I'd take notice that my senses were... Elevated. I'd remember a bit more, my health seemed to become steady, I was happier, and I started a meditation regime, though I could never break into a trance, or otherwise. --- It wasn't long until it got me into trouble in school. I started talking about it and it quickly forced me to end 'communications' then and there.
Fast forward several years, I started to hear how bad JoS was, (Joy of Satan, the site) and how that it was nothing more than a neo-nazi brainwashing site. I began to denounce the ritual and became worried that I too was tainted. I'd soon stop with it entirely... I took a few days of research and found out for myself that most of it was bunk, save for some meditations, or so I've been told. Many say it's all garbage, others mention that it revolutionizes meditation skill sets. I find it confusing, due to both sides fighting over it.
But this is where the issue comes in. I feel like I'm lacking something in my life, other than love, satisfaction of self worth and other petty matters. Every now and again, I'll find myself spacing out real hard and just think about Satan, and not the kind that I fell in love with whilst blissfully ignorantly following every word on that site. More of the traditional goat-man sort of style that everyone fears. Even now, I've been noticing more and more shadows running across the edge of my eye. Medically, it's a common thing, and environmentally, there's plenty of things that would give the effect, but it still gets to me because I let it. I don't consider myself very open spiritually, with how little I've ever amounted to in terms of success of 'speaking to the dead' or 'hearing the voice of the devil' or whatever should land me in the funny farm. I mainly meander through websites trying to find decent enough information that offers little to no loop holes and it's hard to find something that peaks interest, has a large following, and a high success rate for Sobs like me.
So my question(s) are going to be a little vague, but hopefully I can find a little peace.
Which style of Satanism is the most accepted and renown in the community that is basically hands down, 'Good source'?
Does anyone have any sort of explanation as to why I have ties still locked to something I tried to put away years ago? Mind you, none of the shadows of this past seem to be dangerous, but they are mind-numbingly blatant and attracting, even if a bit scary. (Actually, I lied. It's really scary.)
And lastly, and probably the most hardest to answer:
I'm not 100% sure of which kind of form of Satanism that I wish to relate to the most. I feel like I'm being lead back here because I have unfinished business, or that I'm trying to be placed back on the right path (or wrong, depending on how you view Satanism.) Is there sort of a questionnaire that would help me define what I wish out of this little religion or is it not Cookie-Cutter defined, like most idealistic religions?
Mess with an Ouija in the middle of the night during a thunderstorm with shadows rolling about: Hardly phased.
Spiders that can fly: Unnerved.
This unnatural draw back to Satanism, despite it doesn't feel negative nor harmful at a glance: Terrifying.
Any and all assistance is greatly appreciated.