OccultForum.org

Not a cry for help here, just sharing some recent developments.

I'm finding out that the degree I went for - accounting - that I even graduated with highest honors in, might not be a workable career path for me. For instance I'm learning the lesson that complex multi-tasking at a particular required speed crushes my brain, enough that I could either deli-shave my nervous system and health and serve that up for my paychecks or be in a position where my ability to financially fend for myself looks questionable in the long run.

I've mentioned autism, thankfully I've found that I'm increasingly less pained over whether or not I resonate with people I work with particularly well (although yeah - it can be nerve-racking if it threatens my bread money) but having high-intensity multitasking and any kind of sales or public service type work ruled out - I'd say I'm in a tightening position.

That's partly what my outburst was last night. I really hoped that things wouldn't come to me needing to fold up the career path that my college education lead toward, it took six years of community college to even find something that sort of fit me. No idea where I'll go from here. Doing lots of tarot readings for myself on these issues as well and I'm getting from the cards 1) I am breaking up my nervous system with work and it's antithetical to my spiritual work 2) there's no magic bullet that the God within me has for this such as an appropriate place to be instead - if I do fall out with accounting I'll be up a creek and apparently being up a creek is necessary for my development right now.


A lot of this really gets me thinking about paradigms. Some people say that with manifestation the sky is the limit, others would say that higher self overrules. What I might have said in a considerably more belligerent way last night - I feel really bad when the problems, held over me for the sake of my spiritual development, significantly inconvenience anyone around me. It might be proud, arrogant, or just wrong-headed for me to think like that but it's where I start scratching my head and wondering about heaven's ethics and heck, my life has hardly anything on most people's in the world - lots to make it very difficult at times not feeling like the forces that move this world might perhaps be moral monsters of a kind.

Anyway thanks for reading this far if you've kept up with me, keep me in your prayers. What I need the most help on is integrity. For as well as I think I do in most situations its an entirely different thing when past stamps hit me in the face or certain key buttons that I have my sense of fundamental worth attached to get pushed - at that point wretchedness can come out in all its glory. That's where I know for certain that I need to grow up the most and I'm hoping I find it in me to get a lot farther on that than I have in the past.

I'll pray for you.

A lot of people need accounting skills.

Not just Goldman Sachs.


Find the right people who could use your help/expertise and you'll find where you can contribute and have a purpose.

I am sorry I do not have nothing more than this:

Just like RoseRed I can only Pray for you. [pray]

Maybe you should ask your Lady for a little insight? I think she could help. I cannot imagine she will just observe you while you roast.

Stay strong! Eat well and have a Good Day Sir.

Praise Teh Sun \[T]/ [yay]

Maya The Generator wrote: Maybe you should ask your Lady for a little insight? I think she could help. I cannot imagine she will just observe you while you roast.

A couple things on that - with my own objective consciousness getting involved in that I can't tell how much of her is higher self and how much of her is just me telling me what I'd want to hear whether it's true or not.

What's more disquieting - if she is my higher self then she's the one facilitating all of this just as much as she's facilitated it all of my life (which I shudder to think about). If someone's taking me out back for a beating, regardless of whether or not they'd deem it's for my own good, I really can't ask them much about how I can get out of it if they'd answer back that it's necessary and I'm showing cowardice or evasion trying to worm my way out of it (ie. Justice reversed, seven of swords, etc.). In that situation the choices seem like either over the barrel or over the barrel.

All of that does make me wonder if it is a bit of a myth that we can bargain our way out of the school of hard knocks by showing our higher self that we're reading all kinds of good occult stuff, learning diligently, and meditating daily. It may not always be relevant nor be a bargaining chip to slide by on the hard stuff and I'm wondering if I've been a bit naive in what kinds of ideas I had when I stepped out on the esoteric path. I wouldn't take any of it back because there's been nowhere else to go regardless - esoteric learning was necessary - but still I might be having my rose-colored glasses dialed back some in their tint.

I think the one thing I'll say positive of this - I'd rather find out that I'm an idiot with no integrity under composure-breaking levels of stress when I don't particularly have a lot of occult power rather than find out all that when I do have a fair amount of occult power. Might be bitter medicine but it might also help save me from having the kinds of massive paranoia meltdowns that some get when they're climbing to higher peaks. If that's the case I just need to keep the situation in better perspective and realize that the road to adeptship perhaps isn't for the particularly vulnerable.

You are very sincere most have a hard time being open to others even on internet forum. If you could contact your higher self and talk this issue should be easy to resolve I guess. Other than that people who have achieved a certain seniority in vibration choose the lessons they want to learn in a particular incarnation themselves anyways. Only that most do not remember what lessons they picked. Most lessons have to do with unconditional love of others and dealing with others. If you think this path isn't what you want to do then do something else you don't hurt anyone if you choose not to work in accounting. Well other then yourself since you said you trained for it for 6 years. I find Tarot readings to be inaccurate because they can be interpreted in so many different ways some cards might be completely clear but some could mean anything. Find something that resonates with you that you love doing many people live purely of the occult. Some live in monasteries and such there is many paths to follow all lead to the same goal only you know which one is best for you. May the light guide you to what you truly desire. [happy] [happy] [happy]

No one gets to skip the "school of hard knocks"

It's the universe pressing your consciousness against the wet stone, making you stronger, sharper, and more effective and efficient.

Take it as a blessing and a gift. It's what you asked for afterall.

magari wrote:Take it as a blessing and a gift. It's what you asked for afterall.

Agreed. Here's hoping that I just don't emotionally shit my pants and end up turning into a dead-beat and an alcoholic in the process.

Cybernetic_Jazz wrote:

magari wrote:Take it as a blessing and a gift. It's what you asked for afterall.

Agreed. Here's hoping that I just don't emotionally shit my pants and end up turning into a dead-beat and an alcoholic in the process.

Thats what faith is for.

If you were a waste you wouldn't even be here in the first place.

Its those of us who run from the wetstone that turn into deadbeats.

The universe wastes not. Everything happens for a reason. Even deadbeats serve a purpose.

However, I have a very good feeling thats not your path.

I just had another, really terrfying, realization. Part of the core issue.... just psychoanalyzing myelf here... is that I don't trust God. I can throw all kinds of tautologies at myself, say that I trust God every single day - I don't trust God. Partly that my childhood and early adulthood lead me to social-darwinian atheism (materialism with pick-up artist social theories) and also became both a full determinist and nihilist for a while. To have a life that was steadily going downhill and watching dreams crash and burn left and right was deeply disturbing, I didn't know what i'd do or how I'd go on living, but I at least believed that the universe had a zero IQ and wasn't capable of carrying about my life or future - that my existence was an accident and that there was nothing capable of caring whether things went wrong or not.

The day I was convinced that NDE's were real and the research snowballed from there - I knew I'd be in for a mindfuck because all of the things I'd learned about that have happened to other people, the number of people I can count who are in jail for one thing or another, the number of people I can count who've died at the edge of a bola in places like the Congo, the number of people who were fragged in the world wars, the number of people Ghengis Khan's armies slaughtered, the number of women who had live cats sown into their stomaches, the number of people who were starved to death or killed between Russian and China for the utopian ideals of communism, the number of people who went up in smoke or who were choked out on chlorine based on a handful of inbreds deciding that they were genetically unfit for whatever kind of master race they were billing, all the way down to a society that does - unfortunately - run on meanest/baddest/foulest attitude makes right (a social-abusive version of might), where if a person is a good person it's only accidental to the alphahood of their genes whether they have a good go of things and the same thing falls just as much on those who don't give a crap - I'd have to now accept that that whole story wasn't an accidental universe with no brain or sentience to comprehend suffering but rather it was by the hand of the supreme super-intelligence. Trying to see an alchemical rhyme and reason to it and really selling yourself on it takes either a) year and years and years to answer the above atrocities both of our fundamental social programming or human nature, b) having skipped over most thoughts of that and being able to put it on a back burner for the most part with no real invasion for it c) having no skin in the human condition.

I get that people who've moved well beyond where I'm at have come to possession of the belief that everything is fundamentally as it should be, that suffering serves a positive purpose, and I don't think they're tautological - they're perfectly sincere. The trouble is these people have a viewpoint on life that I would never be able to arrive at by purely intellectual means.

If I lip service 'trusting God' when my subconscious is filled up with data from the outside world that suggest nothing of the sort, and if ultimately - whether I wanted to ever admit it or not or just hoped it was a momentary leg in the journey that would resolve itself - I may very well have started down this road on the promise that it's 'mastery of life' and that I could bypass some of what I saw as gruesome capriciousness of the system we live in.

I'd say I hope I'm not in for more of a ride than I can handle but who can say. I won't know until I'm through it.

magari wrote: Thats what faith is for.

If you were a waste you wouldn't even be here in the first place.

Its those of us who run from the wetstone that turn into deadbeats.

The universe wastes not. Everything happens for a reason. Even deadbeats serve a purpose.

However, I have a very good feeling thats not your path.

I'd never go that way deliberately. I don't usually go on about politics but I was pretty much raised tea-party style, very Republican home and family, came to identify entitlement politics with ballooning deficits and unsustainable nation-wrecking debt. I really used to look at people who were screwing up their lives and say "Wow, what a piece of work". In some cases I might still be right but I understand one thing now - life can press anyone until they turn into anything. I don't know that it'll happen to me, I have to knock on wood there because I really hope not, but I have to respect the sheer power of the fact that a person can withstand things for a long enough time but eventually everything standup that they considered 'them' can be washed right out (particularly if any time they feel like "Wow, I survived it" turns out to be just another ledge in a far bigger fall). It also makes me realize that I should never judge because I never know whose just a dumbass or whose had their head held under water for an extraordinary amount of time. Even with respect to a dumbass I have to admit, I haven't been one in this incarnation (could be walking into a lot of jokes there though), no recollections of past incarnations as one, so I can't assume to know what makes them tick or whether they have much control of their own stupidity.

Where I absolutely agree with you - people cannot give in by choice. Just that, yeah, if they are finally collapsed they also have to admit to what they've been made into and that it is shameful, that it is disgraceful, and that they will have the whole weight of social stigma crushing down on them. Also, whether its their fault or not they deserve it and deserve to be mistreated - just by way of the logic that we predicate as a race.

^^ That's also where I really have to wonder about new-agers saying you can just believe yourself to bliss (or even more absurdly that we're better than our ancestors and that now is some sort of 'special time'). If that was the case humanity would have disappeared in a few generations. Even with accelerated occultism - probably not much better. There's therapy woo and then there's grueling woo - the Great Work is definitely of the later variety.

God is impartial....

but again, he wastes not.


In the beginning there was only darkness....

I'd say the light is winning.

magari wrote: In the beginning there was only darkness....

I'd say the light is winning.

When I look at the human problems of today vs. the human problems of yesterday I'd fully agree - the light is winning.

Cybernetic_Jazz wrote:

magari wrote: In the beginning there was only darkness....

I'd say the light is winning.

When I look at the human problems of today vs. the human problems of yesterday I'd fully agree - the light is winning.

He is quoting from True Detective season 1 finale.

Was hoping someone would catch that.

Something I wanted to mention; I had a very interesting experience between 3:00 and 3:30AM EST this morning that woke me up, something of a very positive nature. To anyone whose prayed for me in the past few days or may have additionally had a direct hand in the experience I just mentioned I truly appreciate all of your help and deeply hope to be able to give back in similar capacity as I develop.

The light is winning.

Remember; Victim or Victor.

Its a choice.

The trouble is these people have a viewpoint on life that I would never be able to arrive at by purely intellectual means.

I love you, CyberJ. In particular the above sentence.

Remember the human intellect cannot be trusted at all. If your mind is giving you a hard time, whip it into line and remind it who's in charge. Keep breathing and stay awesome. You got this.

Eremita wrote: I love you, CyberJ. In particular the above sentence.

Remember the human intellect cannot be trusted at all. If your mind is giving you a hard time, whip it into line and remind it who's in charge. Keep breathing and stay awesome. You got this.

Thank you for the kind words. :hug:

Eremita wrote:

The trouble is these people have a viewpoint on life that I would never be able to arrive at by purely intellectual means.

I love you, CyberJ. In particular the above sentence.

Remember the human intellect cannot be trusted at all. If your mind is giving you a hard time, whip it into line and remind it who's in charge. Keep breathing and stay awesome. You got this.

I did not happen to met with anything more scary than my own visions of the world. And my family doctor says I am sane. So yeah, I agree with that point.

Stayin Awesome is only Remedy xD

Keep Praisin the Sun [yay]

As an update:

Most of the cutbacks I've made in accordance with information I'm getting is to try and insure that I'm getting as much rest as I can and also taking aim to slow down at work and not push to where I'm hitting my nervous system too much harder than it wants to work (sometimes I won't feel like I have a choice and I want to progressively decrease the amount of times that I give in to that sense of necessity). I actually had a dream toward the middle of last week telling me to take acidophilus and to cut back my caffein by 75% and I've tried to make a go of that as well. So far still employed and I'm really hoping that if my own Inner literally doesn't want me where I'm at that I'll see a window of opportunity open in some respect that I can identify. Like anyone's tests and trials I figure I'm not allowed to know certain things, reactions have to be drawn out of me in order for me to see and assess them, thus the element of surprise is probably deemed critical.

Hope all is well with everyone else here. Haven't been posting a lot lately just because I haven't felt like I've had a lot of meaningful things to say. I did just get the Alana Fairchild Isis Oracle - looks like she put a lot of thought into it and I can see where there's a lot of good meditations in the book that accompanies it which I may use either as directed or in my own modified format.

Cheers and great seeing everyone again for a few minutes!