How do i love myself when even my progenitors counted me as valueless?
I was talking to a combat veteran friend of mine yesterday, and he recounted how I desired to create AI motivated automated destroyer drones.. Turns out that may not be totally dead. I had a fight with my ex yesterday that got ugly, and today I kind of just want to discard this planet as I was discarded.
I also found the remains of my dog, a strip of skin, a length of intestine, her body had been dragged off by a predator, which is why I have been unable to locate it.
There is a lot going on in my soul today, a coming to terms with boring ass reality.
A while back, I was in dire straits, and was betrayed by a family member I thought I could trust...
It has vexed me greatly for a while, but finally settled on, extinguishing this person's existence on this planet has less value to me than a live round of ammunition.
It continued to vex me, as this person has an abundance of means to have helped me, but refused to do so. Likely out of "teaching a lesson" founded in spite, however now the lesson will be taught to them, instead.
One day on the lake, on my kayak, Asrael came to me, and she told me, "Give me this person, and their family."
NGL, I grinned a bit, and surrendered them to her. It may, be, soon, they will discover why even her own people fear her, and to be honest, I am somewhat giddy over it. I thought, what of the children? If they will gut me like a fish, and torture me for decades, what will they do to them?
Not my problem.
Anyway, several things occurred to me yesterday. Number one was, I am a fool for helping any other individual in this life. I need to look out for me, and only me. If something or someone does not serve my interests, it is prudent for me to abandon all endeavors and continue to pursue my own gratification.
The other thing, is the attack on my soul 20 years ago, was perhaps the best possible thing to bring me into awareness, rather than being a victim- I became self-aware.
The final thing was, the hatred Asrael has had for me, has begun to come full circle. In my sincere efforts to aid and comfort her, to empower her, to allow her peace and freedom, she has begun to relax.
I am not sure if this is a new and unexplored thing, or that outsiders looking in at my situation simply do not understand the connection I have with her, which is quite possibly, immutable... But, things that vex me... Also vex her greatly. Because we share an emotional/spiritual "heart", if I am distressed, she also struggles and suffers.
And, due to her spiritual position, she has unlimited reach. Basically this planet is her playground.
And, she needs to feed.
Also, it was shown to me, that if I pass away under undesirable circumstances in this world, I WILL be "coming back" here as vengeance, until I am satisfied and stopped.
How interesting! With how I've been treated here, I'm almost drooling with the rage I want to (presently, I hope it changes) reign down on the human race.
I believe, I AM the child the village has rejected, who desires to burn it down to feel it's warmth!
I was shown, yesterday, as I was searching for my dog's body, that I was created to be a pure, innocent, being of kindness, tenderness, and love, and this world basically raped that right out of me.
I wonder, who thought it would be a good idea to send me here? Amongst these savage cave dwellers? TO punish me into maturity? To taint the white with blood?
Was it to create a weapon? So twisted and eviscerated, yet still living, a being of pure blind rage, mixed with the intellect of a Wolfen, and the power of the Dark Kingdom? I'll tell you, for all the light realms think they can defend against her, everyone has sin...
Everyone has a blind spot...
You cannot live on this planet without one.
Maybe, I was sent here to make the feeding grounds ripe for the destruction that is to come.
I'm feeling rather empowered today =)
There has to be a reason I was sent here- ancillary to being a pure being that everyone wants to fuck (in the fun way, and others) but it evades me.
The cool thing about making war machines is, I get to satisfy my thirst for blood, AND get rich doing it! It's win-win! The icing on the cake watching them live and work, reviewing footage of their handywork. The only deterrent, aside from engaging in a powerful force of my government- is that I believe my government hasn't been "For the people, by the people" for some time, and my drones may be used against us. Illuminati and all that bullshit. Although, the more I think about it, and witness the cowardice of subjects, sometimes I feel like the "great reset" isn't a bad thing... Humans need to be managed or they will destroy themselves. (Is it a bad thing? Or will the interests and meddling of other worlds be frustrated as they use these human bodies as entertainment and etc? Does "right" even exist? Or, can it possibly survive the human race?) I am also blood related to one of the ruling families of this world, so that dynamic is also in my veins, or so I was told as a child. It could account for some of the wretchedness of my familial line, but I do know, the most unfortunate beings are born into the same bloodlines that borne me. Woe unto them.
I realize I am in a strange mood presently, but I feel very "empowered". I think I am channeling Asrael, and if I am, I think her and I would really get along.
Maybe some of my humanity still lives, however. A small part of me. The dying ember of a conscience some fool put in me before they sent me to this fucking planet.
What is "me"?
Also, as I release Asrael, she seems to grow more powerful, wiser, smarter, and effervescently more vicious. Perhaps this is for her evolution, too? As time passes, I see her retiring, and sitting on a throne made from the bones of her enemies, a ruler, a warrior, grinning in the darkness. Perhaps even mine, as I must accept all outcomes. As I let her go, so she returns with more power. As I struggle to be at peace with her, she grows closer to me. We were once enemies, but seeing her, she has no more power, but it is not in my heart to seek revenge on her, yet, anyway. I really don't want to hurt her if I can avoid it. I realize, I am the one with all the power, here. Rather than fighting my enemies, i see more benefit for me to have made peace with as many sides as possible. If her enemies complain, I will simply tell them, they should have thought of that before they abandoned me here.
I inquired to Asrael as to the others in my bloodline who are in sore need of a tune up, mainly the male progenitor, and she replied, she kinda likes him, which is, ew, gross. He's old and will be fertilizer soon anyway. (Which will be his highest purpose, if I may say so.) Of the abusers, he was chief, and it makes me a little sick to hear that from her, however, no doubt we will not agree on everything.
Also, as I accept missing time, and submit to it, time begins to be replaced, and go slower. How interesting!
There are lyrics of a heavy-metal song I like, and they say: "There is a monster on your side..."
Yes, I called Asrael a cunt, and yes, she was not happy about it, but in the end, she admitted, I am not completely wrong. My emotional instability is an irritant to her, so I am attempting to be more stable, while dealing with all these chemical imbalances.
In the Source of All, could I be the villain? Could my purpose be to fuck the human race up, who fucked me up, as vengeance? Am I the destroying angel of death?
It feels fucking AMAZING to imagine reducing the population of cave people by large numbers, AND getting paid handsomely to do it! In this moment, there is nothing more appealing to me in this life. The alternative is, i continue being a "handyman", living in a van, a slave to the human race, a most unappealing prospect. However, it may be my fate.
Or, am I to remain a pauper, willingly walking into slavery to other humans to "make ends meet and get food"? I feel I am better off suck starting a shotgun that to become a slave, again. And yet, what I have drains daily. This is partly why my ex and I had a big fight.
Yes, life took an interesting turn yesterday as I realized I am completely alone and cannot count on anyone at all, ever, however, I realize I cannot trust her to help me in other areas of my life, and so I must discard the person who is only a drag on my being. It felt liberating to discard her, to be honest. Freeing.
So many forces at work here, some still want to destroy me, others want to empower me to a vicious purpose. Others, still, want me to be essentially a hippy and love everyone. I thought things were once so black and white as religion makes it, but the truth is insanely more complicated.
This is why my mind had to be "Expanded" a year or so ago, it felt like I was going insane- but I survived it. Conscious, not on drugs or alcohol, in my van, buying ammunition after the "election", making a vlog.
As per usual, this is all subject to change. But, I never feel more human, more empowered, than when her heart beats in my chest. Claws extend from my fingertips, sharp teeth form in my mouth, and nothing in this universe does not fear me.
Oh! I wanted to say this, too, that I inquired to my origin planet (How interesting, there is a repeater planet, because mine is so far away!) about the Wolfen, I inquired about their status- are they slaves, are they looked upon as lesser beings, are they impoverished as I am, here? The response was, the tall rulers, They are human looking, but very tall, around 30 feet tall, maybe taller... They told me the Wolfen are their beloved warriors, protectors of the kingdom and planets, they are highly regarded, sometimes feared, and the rulers, almost universally have gratitude and love for them because of their service to them as fighters.
That, I reckon, is why the female Wolfen women I saw, who have connections to me, were surrounded by a peaceful village, had no fears or worries, and were free to be themselves.
Also, my dog who passed recently, her face would oftentimes reflect Asrael's. I see a karmic debt as things balance out, all the ways I failed my dog- not because I wanted to, but because I was suffering so greatly under the Oppression System. As I heard in a podcast recently, "When you are being chased by a T-rex, that is not the time to 'open your heart' to someone..."
However, as I work with my dogs spirit, and her sponsors, I admit my wrongs, and attempt to balance it all out. With previous canines I have "owned", the karmic imbalance was extreme, and their passing caused such emotional upheaval, I nearly passed on several times myself from it. However, as I face my demons so to speak, and take an honest look at my behavior, with respect to these canine beings, their passing becomes easier, and I believe, in higher realms, they are better able to settle in to their new homes.
My dog has told me, she will be the one who welcomes me to the afterlife, she is waiting, steadfastly for me. My dog who passed before her, who was my Beloved pup, has forgotten about me, because he is having a good time. And while it hurts to know this, I am glad he is having a good time. He deserves it.
I guess it really could be, I am the "bad guy" sent here to be twisted by this world, to fuck it proper, but also being necessary to the evolution of the human race.
As with it all, if I realize I am wrong about any of it, I am the captain of my ship, and I will steer her as benefits me most.
The endless frustration of having to force myself to survive in this wretched realm is vexing, indeed.