Amor wrote: ↑Fri May 27, 2022 10:57 pm
>Is this entire ordeal me finding out, I am the bad guy, all around?
Wolfen is an outer form, just as is Human.
Your identity is more profound than either of those - as you can deduce from the Wolfens backing off when you complained
I have been shown a lot. I am not sure what is relevent
I tried "pushing" the issue of feeling my clone/soul/being in another realm being twisted painfully, and the anxiety of having no peace for 20 years, mainly- the Wolfen woman Asrael, I tried pushing it to the outer home world I connected to (The one I complained to), and they wholly resisted the effort. This is an Earth problem alone, maybe?
One thing i was shown: You are correct. Many in the Dark Kingdoms are desperate. Terrified of losing their food. And, they are going to. It is inevitable. We will evolve. They will starve. Except, some of them know this. I witnessed several die-hard (Think old communist sympathizers from the USSR) black beings who are incapable of evolving in their realm, and only want to feed on humanity.
The "light" I saw has spread to nearly all, but a few of the most powerful, but growing weaker, black realm beings. I could not convince them to have hope for the future, that an agreement could be made that would benefit all realms, at the expense of their power.
The more I release my assumptions and hopes about Asrael, the more I see her perception, it becomes "less romantic" all the time.
I still have love for her, in general, for the idea of her, and I do NOT wish her harm, if possible. When I said the lore for her back story was likely false, I was talking about the back story of her being married to my soul, in "heaven", and her being a diva, abused, etc. It's possible, but doubtful, and do not seem to be corroborated by the universe, unlike seeing her corporeal form.
The visions of her constitution, of the living waters used to assemble her, seem to line up perfectly with her personality, however. I wish for her and I to heal and be healthy, and as our paths separate, for her to know I forgive her, as much as I am able through time, and that I wish her the best, in her Wolfen endeavors, fighting, fucking, whatever she chooses to do with her life. There may possibly, always be, a part of me, that would give nearly anything to hold her in my arms as she weeps, knowing the one whom she loathed with eons of passion, loved her anyway, forgave her, and wanted her to be happy.
I am watching this show called, "Stranger things", and it is on season four. The parallels with this Vecna character and how it twists the humans up is incredibly similar to my experience, twenty years ago, except, of course, my human body suffered no physical defects, outside of the gut issues I have from the stress of being helpless and knowing so little about the encounter, for all these years. (Only having seen/known of Asrael last year)
Simultaneously, my psyche is being stripped down, dismantled, dissolved, as my entire being in this body has begun to rest and heal, but also undergo deconstruction, yesterday I confronted the idea that I may be too damaged, too broken, "too far gone" to be saved, to be helped, to fulfill whatever reason I am here to do, outside of the idea that, as I type this, i am literally fulfilling it.
I tasted partly of this essence you speak of, "profound", perhaps a series of lifetimes and experiences, given sapience and power, the power to move an entire generation, to steer them to evolution.
Yesterday, as I ventured out, I met a woman who is also an alien, and we talked for a while, I shared with her about Asrael and my experiences. Just being around her energy, and being open, being real, being present, transformed my entire evening, and steered my path slightly different.
I have been opposed to having children, due to how much I have suffered in this life, however, I feel like a divine purpose wants me to have children, as this will be part of my mission. I remain opposed to it, mainly for economical reasons. I cannot afford it, and if I continue to work I will not be alive much longer, so what's the point.
As difficult and frightening things present themselves, I continue to delve head-first into them.
The Fire of the Heart meditation is difficult, distractions constantly seem to come, so I try and speed it up, or work on rapping the light around my stomach, and primarily my mind/neck/spine where I "feel" the damage of my soul. The difference between the "Stranger Things" show, is that, the bodies in the "Upside Down" realm seem to die, but my soul (Body in that realm) has been suffering for decades, and I can feel it in my body. Part of why I am so, "Strung out" as it were.
Pursuing healing seems like it is pushing me a strange and uncharted direction, that also feels like my undoing.
Thanks for your help, forgive me for being snippy.
Edit, I should add Asrael was growing irritated with my angry posts here, she was upset at all the back and forth, the emotional energy was vexing her.
I should also add, that fear would have me run from her, courage has me making peace with her, as much as a surface dweller can make peace with a Dark Kingdom enforcer. I would add this, too, if we ever make contact with the Dark Kingdom people, I learned, working with feral Earth wolves, that human medicine is potentially lethal for them, and enough anesthetic for a chihuahua will make a wolf ready for surgery, if you gave a 240LB wolf the same anesthesia for a 240LB dog, the wolf would surely die. We should keep this in mind for aliens. The opposite could also be true as well.
Part of what makes this journey so painful, terrifying, and difficult, is that I was already a broken and confused person before the attack on my soul, and now I am dealing with the decades old endless trauma of the effects of the attack. (They have since stopped, but they continue to draw small amounts from my aura, I am working with them to regain autonomy over my life... Part of why the Dark Kingdom peoples are so enraged at us is because of our anger to escape their traps. Though specifically with Asrael, she hated the person I was, and truthfully, even weighed against the scales of what is good, true, and right, she was correct about most/all, hence her list of gripes against me. My desire is to leave peacefully, not with anger in my heart against them, though my desire is to be as healthy as possible, so anger may play a part in the future, but not yet.)
Basically, after the attack I have been desperately wondering how I can get back to normal... but there never was a normal to begin with to go back to... So what is being created is something entirely new, from my core being outward. And I am dealing with all the old dynamics and systems, rooted in the human dysfunction of trauma and abuse, too. In ways, i wonder if I will ever be happy, if the trauma will ever be dealt with. If there even is a goal to approach to.
Do you have any advice on the removal of the parasite attached to my front/stomach?