Leaving the Nest

[Kath]

For those who do not know, I maintain a highly intimate relationship with a nonphysical being of deity-like nature.

Not too long ago, she brought it to my attention that I had, over the past 8 years under her mentoring, acquired all of the necessary components, understandings, methods, skills, etc. to complete my religious goals 'on my own'. My religious goals are to essentially merge with her, indirectly, via 'the great work'. And she's told me that with the tools I have been given, I can now complete this journey 'on my own'.

Further, she made it clear that it will become necessary to go it 'on my own'. That to truly complete the journey, I would by necessity have to cross the finish like alone and under my own power.

For a time I found this to be highly distressing. My feelings for her are quite intense, and I suck at abandonment. Over the past 8 years, she and I had become quite 'entwined' spiritually, energetically, emotionally, even mentaly. I've recently undertaken this phase of my path. And in addition to the missing her on an emotional level, I have felt very 'hollowed out inside' by the sheer magnitude of what used to be there within, and is now absent. My magic still works, and I have fairly advanced skill with it, but the *oomf* behind it has become very weak by comparison. There's nothing quite like deity invocation to give your magic some *pop*.

For a time, I allowed myself to actually sink into a bit of a depression over this separation. I miss her very very much, and on a less important level, I feel only a small fraction as 'powerful' as when she was propping me up energetically. Combine this with a material mundane life which is really starting to show the wear & tear of my long term absolute devotion to the spiritual/occult side of my life, such that my regular day to day life is in a pretty sucky state... and well, there's plenty to be unhappy about.

But I've decided to drop the self pity routine. It's just lame. And more importantly, the being I miss is omniscient, and given her compassion towards me, my sadness would only make her sad as well. So I've dropped the self pity crap. Besides, i've got a lot to do.

I wonder how long this all will take? for 8 years I've maintained a steady and relentless pace of advancement, learning, exploration, etc. Since I am interested in 'the great work', along lines similar to but not identical to the bodhisattva's of buddhism, I have always somewhat regarded my goal as being 'a ways off yet', and I'd just keep my nose to the grindstone and focus on keeping my pace up. I wonder now though, just how close to the end of the road am I? I would feel the answer is 'well past halfway'. But I don't know how much past it. I suspect that the end goal will creep up on me, without much warning, as I toil towards it.

Anyway, it is a significant shift in my spiritual situation. I've been with my mentor in nearly constant contact for a long time now. I've been tempted to be unhappy, because I miss 'her' more than I lust towards my goal. But I've decided not to indulge feelings in that vein, since they aren't productive, and they may be hurtful to the one I miss.

It is very different. Its sort of like I've been paddling my canoe down this river for a long time, and I've come out of the mouth of the river into the ocean. Which way now? hmm? its a little overwhelming. but if she said I have the tools to sort it out, then I do, and I will. and deep down she didn't really need to tell me that, I think I kinda knew.

Oh, and technically, I could theoretically be 'vulnerable' to spiritual attack now... which hasn't been an issue for me in the last 5 years. Don't get me wrong, I've had some entanglements in the last 5 years, but I was always operating above a safety net. Now? not so much. I'm seriously Not intimidated by this, I've no lack of confidence. Its almost a bit of a thrill, but I won't go out of my way to tempt the fates.

So yeah, interesting times...

[soham]

Your mentor deserting you will make you feel lonely. Instead, be Alone with a feeling of contentment, detachment and self-fulfilment.

[Venefica]

She is only doing what is best for you, and chances are that if you have developed such a deep bond with her, that she will always be there in your life, she will just not be your teacher anymore. We all get to a point with our teachers, flesh and blood or Spirit that we do not need them as teachers anymore, than instead they become friends. Those that have touched our life is always with us, but sometimes we will have to leave one state in a relationship with them behind to develop further. Good luck further to you and your mentor.

[Omnicentrik]

As someone with my own brand of past mentoring, I see it this way:

If you are to become one with your mentor, you are already one with your mentor. The separation is on "your" end, and as such needs to be addressed from "your" end. If your mentor stays, what makes your end unique and independent will stop feeding itself and encouraging its own existence. It will wither away, and your mentor will have to fill the shell. If that happens, what's the point of your unique individuality in the first place? If your mentor just wanted an empty shell to fill she/it would have done so from the beginning and saved you the trouble of trying to stand
on your own two feet even before you became aware you had a mentor. Even if your mentor sustains you, the relationship would be one of dependency, and that is not worthwhile for those articipating in it. You don't want to be a perpetual child suckling at your mother's tit, and your mentor obviously doesn't want to carry a slowly atrophying infant around.

Leaving the nest does not mean you have to suffer in a harsh world. Only that you must take advantage of all your mentor taught you and learn to digest your own nourishment. We tend to idolize the womb, then the nest, then our youthful adventures into the world, then our maturity...but always from hindsight. We tend to forget that perhaps we idolized a pre-womb unity or oblivion state and forget that we were unhappy in that womb. Only after birth do we yearn to return. This is natural because we are returning, only we are taking the long way home to bring back the treasures of our journey, something that apparently changes everything and makes it all worth the "trouble".

I see this stage of yours as a reason to celebrate. You are closer to your goal than you ever were.

[Rikoshi]

If you've been in such a state of spiritual pursuit, now may be a good time to reconnect to the physical world, to see what it can teach you. It may be umcomfortable, but discomfort and challenge usually lead to growth. Being empty can be good- it means you have room to fill up with something new.