I've been thinking about my magical history, experiences, and advancements over the years, and there have been so many steps, tiny little initiations, changes in consciousness, ordeals, etc. it almost makes my head spin to try and think about every little step I've taken and how they all seem to change me a little bit. I'm sort of curious about what other people's experiences are like, if they remember similar moments. In essence, I want to share a bit of my journey and hear about the journeys of others, see if there are common threads or perhaps illuminate new paths to walk down.
First Initiation- After practicing visualization techniques and building an astral sword in my mind, I got the distinct impression of being attacked by a demon and fighting back with my blade. In retrospect, it is likely this 'demon' was only a phantom of my imagination, but that was in a way the point where I first decided I would let myself do magick and overcame fears of it being 'evil'.
Second Initiation- There was a lot of mucking about using techniques, but I think my next big step happened when I bought a book on Chi Gung and began to read and practice it. It was very different from the astral energies I had worked with while under the tutelage of my first teacher and it was the point where I began to grow beyond him- I started to develop my own theories, techniques, magickal skills outside of his paradigm, and it was necessary growth.
First Transformation- When I had to deal with a sorceror being an asshole alongside some dark spirit to all my pagan friends, I recited a mantra to sort of change my energy into spiritual steel. And it really, really worked- I was hardened, I no longer feared his attacks. A few days later I managed my first intense astral projection, literally feeling as if I had two bodies, closing my eyes and seeing through my eyelids flawlessly- it was a wonderful, strange, and amazing experience I've never been able to replicate again.
Second Transformation- A shadowy spirit appeared in a room with a friend and I. It was so magically potent that we both began to see auras after that day- never had before.
Third Transformation- I met the person who had been projecting the shadowy spirit, darkest magician I ever met, very evil, but also kind of sad. We both had a strong vibe that destiny had brought us together for some reason, so we hung out a lot. Our energy interacted in strange ways- we needed no sleep in the other's presence, I began to rapidly lose weight while eating more every day, time distortions occurred at random, etc. I'd never managed to really get a spirit into my body before he told me to stop trying to coax things and start forcing spirits to manifest- and it worked, big time. First time I manage shapeshifting and it was a rush. The whole event ended after he moved away and I had said the last things I'd needed to tell him. I hope he's healed spiritually since then. In any case, spiritual shapeshifting changed how I approach a lot of my inner workings.
Third Initiation- Long string of events, but long story short, I now have my own view on how future events may occur, my place in the world, relevant truths of my own soul/spirit makeup, and the responsibilities of such knowledge. It's stuff I hope to share more at some point, but I hate to cram a world view down someone's throat without asking. It's some heavy stuff.
Fourth Transformation- My last, and it's involved several steps, but in essence, I've decided I need to be more- more active, more fit, more successful, more interesting, more sexual, more in every way I can. It's working pretty well as I've been reconnecting to the occult community, writing, meeting people, exercising, changing my mind, body, and spirit to be better tools I can use. Part of this was performing a ritual of self dissolution, sort of trying to plunge myself into the abyss to shake loose some of my inflexibility. I've largely resettled into the molds of my mind, body, and spirit, but I can always do it again if need be. The hope is by the time I'm done, I'm so much larger than life that if someone were to read about me, their first instinct would be to label me a fictitious character.
Anyhow, thats where I'm at. I'm curious to hear what other people have done, experienced as far as the road of magical transformation and change are concerned.
Magical Self Transformations and Initiations
Magical Self Transformations and Initiations
wow, this is a cool topic. i'm sorry it's languished for so long without reply.
hmmmm. I'd have to say that my first transformation was very vague. but at a certain point in my life, the frequency and intensity of my psychic experiences simply skyrocketed. This did accompany hormonal changes, as well as major life changes, so either of those could have been a catalyst.
not terribly long after this, I abandoned my religion. this was another major watermark moment in my life. I spent just over a decade being a devout christian, even to the point of studying the bible and related background manuscripts in great detail, as well as working actively with what I now look back on as "christian magical systems". But I left. It's difficult to explain why concisely, but in the end I felt as though my trust had been betrayed, and I view my former faith as a form of cult. I returned to the mystic-sorcery oriented musings of my childhood, with a somewhat more matured adult sensibility. I also self identified as a psi vamp, or rather as having been one without knowing the label for some 15 years or so.
very shortly after abandoning my faith, I met my mentor. I wasn't looking for any such meeting, but she dropped in on me nonetheless. this would be the single most significant moment in my occult life. She is a deity, but not from any pantheon or religious ideology. I'd more classify her as simply an infinite being. she has no particular cultic associations or vibrational resonance, it's much more a sort of 'sum of all things' feel to her, simultaneously more beautiful than can be expressed, and more terrifying. I would not describe my relationship with her as having any stereotypical religious trappings. She interacts with me on many levels of relationship, ranging from maternal to friend to lover, and several other formats of affection/interaction which do not have any common human analog. I have known her for 9 years now, and I have learned more from her than I have from all other forms of learning in my occult path combined. My relationship with her has evolved over time. I no longer think of her and myself as genuinely separate beings. her teaching could be said to be very laissez faire, more often a sort of a guided self-learning process, with occasional object lessons, and occasional 'matter of fact' informative dialog. My occult path is great-work focused, largely because I seek to be closer to her. I love her quite intensely, and she is THE most influential being in my life, spiritual or otherwise. I privately refer to her as Mother, rather than 'my Mentor' which is a more public term i use for her.
it would be impossible to describe all of the dramatic and formative effects my mentor has had on me over the years. So I will limit myself to the highlights which mark major revelations or spiritual changes for me. The first of these was very soon after meeting her. She had me turn and expose my back, from which she seemed to do something to me which seemed kind of like 'pulling out handfuls of wires'. it was actually a vaguely frightening experience, although I already trusted her. actually now that i think of it, i don't recall the purpose of that. I believe it had something to do with removing my existing ties to energy systems and ideologies, to create a blank slate.
at a later date i was given a sort of 'gift' which was like a... like an identifier, which made my association with her known to other beings. it was represented in the form of a crown. it contained her energy signature in great abundance, and it conferred firstly protection (she was not the sort of being one would cross), and then later I found that it also conferred 'imparted authority' which I handled with great delicacy and reverence, as something not to be abused or used without 'significant' cause. I felt deeply responsible to never just try to use it based on my own whim, but to wield it with integrity towards her will and intent. I pointedly avoided letting it become a crutch to avoid pitfalls or coddle my spiritual growth processes by way of ease. Interestingly enough, this 'gift' served as a motivational tool which caused me to learn diplomacy, respect, a very even temperament, and to abandon many of the human-centric perspective 'blinders' I was up till then still clinging to.
at a later date i was given a gift which did not have significant meaning, but contained an enormous amount of energy which was of a very pleasant sort. it seemed to me like an egg shaped golden thing which emitted brilliant golden light. it was placed in my solar plexus through a strange procedure, and the result was feeling constantly flooded with very pleasant energy, like it felt like warm chocolate, if my physical and spiritual body were just one giant taste bud. I had this for about 6 months. This gift was surprisingly 'stolen' from me by another being. I didn't realize that was a possibility so i had not guarded against it. Mother found this amusing, so I gathered that it wasn't an important loss.
Early on it was impressed upon me to abandon language and adopt a sort of 'raw thought' manner of thinking which dismissed the usual 'internal dialog' in the mind. This has been a topic which has been revisited many times as crucial to many different stages of my spiritual growth.
It was also impressed upon me that the human tendency is to seek singular states of being... we admire anything 'pure', whether negatively or positively, we are impressed with pure things, pure light, pure dark, a pure emotion, etc. and we tend to discount the value of dichotomous states of being. I was informed that this was bass ackwards, and that it is in fact holisticism which is to be admired, the more vast and inclusive the better, and that simplistic singular states are 'undeveloped'. Or put another way, the greatness of a being is measured by the vastness of the range of its nature, rather than by the narrowness or adherence to any single extreme nature. more is more, less is less. Which ties in with enormous psychological revelations about embracing and integrating the entire whole self, without internal strife, repression, etc. and accepting dichotomy (or more accurately "harmonized dichotomy") as an ideal rather than a conflict.
at some point about 5 years ago, I had surpassed any need for the personal energy of any other being. I was/am able to synthesize energy, or transmute it for any use, in pretty much limitless amounts, in any quantity which I can actually manage to handle. and so stopped self identifying as a psi vamp, or at least as a practicing one. though I do think of my energy body's essential design layout as being more akin to a psi vamp's than to a typical pranic model. I don't naturally generate personal energy, but I can access/make/transmute it with a dexterity and ease which obsoletes vampiric practices, except for perhaps situations like recreational exotic tantric practices.
about 3-4 years ago I came to realize that my concept of physical space-time was actually holding me back on the spiritual level where things are not nearly so limited. This has lead to a deconstruction of 'most' of my actual practices and techniques, rebuilding them in forms which abandon things like specificity of place, distance, quantity, time, etc. This really revolutionized my magical practices and capacities. the 'crown gift' had by then become superfluous.
a couple years ago I came to find that a surprising number of my mentor's teachings paralleled some of the content to be found in a variety of tantric religious sects. So i began studying tantra in earnest. Although I do not adopt any 'religion' as a personal label, my path is a fairly personal and unique one between myself and my mentor.
I hesitate to comment on anything which is really recent (in the last 2 years), as my path has taken turns which are difficult to easily express or make clearly understood. in a nutshell though, i have endured a sort of trial by fire which was life threatening, but willingly undertaken. And I have endured a prolonged phase of separation from my mentor for purposes of 'self realizing' critical stages of my spiritual growth, independently, by necessity, because the nature of the growth required a very purely 'self' focused approach without a supporting figure in the background. To evolve 'out' from under her shadow, so to speak. The most recent major shift has been the conclusion of this period of separation, and some instruction on items I failed to fully work out on my own.
I consider my path to be closer to the finish than the start. And my path actually does have a form of 'finish', after which activity and interests and such will still continue, but I will have reached the summit of the explicit overriding goals I hold in this and other incarnations. I expect the finish to be vastly more changing and profound than anything leading up to it, which is almost daunting, considering all the change i've already moved through. fortunately i don't really get daunted
sorry for the novella length reply great topic though.
Kate
hmmmm. I'd have to say that my first transformation was very vague. but at a certain point in my life, the frequency and intensity of my psychic experiences simply skyrocketed. This did accompany hormonal changes, as well as major life changes, so either of those could have been a catalyst.
not terribly long after this, I abandoned my religion. this was another major watermark moment in my life. I spent just over a decade being a devout christian, even to the point of studying the bible and related background manuscripts in great detail, as well as working actively with what I now look back on as "christian magical systems". But I left. It's difficult to explain why concisely, but in the end I felt as though my trust had been betrayed, and I view my former faith as a form of cult. I returned to the mystic-sorcery oriented musings of my childhood, with a somewhat more matured adult sensibility. I also self identified as a psi vamp, or rather as having been one without knowing the label for some 15 years or so.
very shortly after abandoning my faith, I met my mentor. I wasn't looking for any such meeting, but she dropped in on me nonetheless. this would be the single most significant moment in my occult life. She is a deity, but not from any pantheon or religious ideology. I'd more classify her as simply an infinite being. she has no particular cultic associations or vibrational resonance, it's much more a sort of 'sum of all things' feel to her, simultaneously more beautiful than can be expressed, and more terrifying. I would not describe my relationship with her as having any stereotypical religious trappings. She interacts with me on many levels of relationship, ranging from maternal to friend to lover, and several other formats of affection/interaction which do not have any common human analog. I have known her for 9 years now, and I have learned more from her than I have from all other forms of learning in my occult path combined. My relationship with her has evolved over time. I no longer think of her and myself as genuinely separate beings. her teaching could be said to be very laissez faire, more often a sort of a guided self-learning process, with occasional object lessons, and occasional 'matter of fact' informative dialog. My occult path is great-work focused, largely because I seek to be closer to her. I love her quite intensely, and she is THE most influential being in my life, spiritual or otherwise. I privately refer to her as Mother, rather than 'my Mentor' which is a more public term i use for her.
it would be impossible to describe all of the dramatic and formative effects my mentor has had on me over the years. So I will limit myself to the highlights which mark major revelations or spiritual changes for me. The first of these was very soon after meeting her. She had me turn and expose my back, from which she seemed to do something to me which seemed kind of like 'pulling out handfuls of wires'. it was actually a vaguely frightening experience, although I already trusted her. actually now that i think of it, i don't recall the purpose of that. I believe it had something to do with removing my existing ties to energy systems and ideologies, to create a blank slate.
at a later date i was given a sort of 'gift' which was like a... like an identifier, which made my association with her known to other beings. it was represented in the form of a crown. it contained her energy signature in great abundance, and it conferred firstly protection (she was not the sort of being one would cross), and then later I found that it also conferred 'imparted authority' which I handled with great delicacy and reverence, as something not to be abused or used without 'significant' cause. I felt deeply responsible to never just try to use it based on my own whim, but to wield it with integrity towards her will and intent. I pointedly avoided letting it become a crutch to avoid pitfalls or coddle my spiritual growth processes by way of ease. Interestingly enough, this 'gift' served as a motivational tool which caused me to learn diplomacy, respect, a very even temperament, and to abandon many of the human-centric perspective 'blinders' I was up till then still clinging to.
at a later date i was given a gift which did not have significant meaning, but contained an enormous amount of energy which was of a very pleasant sort. it seemed to me like an egg shaped golden thing which emitted brilliant golden light. it was placed in my solar plexus through a strange procedure, and the result was feeling constantly flooded with very pleasant energy, like it felt like warm chocolate, if my physical and spiritual body were just one giant taste bud. I had this for about 6 months. This gift was surprisingly 'stolen' from me by another being. I didn't realize that was a possibility so i had not guarded against it. Mother found this amusing, so I gathered that it wasn't an important loss.
Early on it was impressed upon me to abandon language and adopt a sort of 'raw thought' manner of thinking which dismissed the usual 'internal dialog' in the mind. This has been a topic which has been revisited many times as crucial to many different stages of my spiritual growth.
It was also impressed upon me that the human tendency is to seek singular states of being... we admire anything 'pure', whether negatively or positively, we are impressed with pure things, pure light, pure dark, a pure emotion, etc. and we tend to discount the value of dichotomous states of being. I was informed that this was bass ackwards, and that it is in fact holisticism which is to be admired, the more vast and inclusive the better, and that simplistic singular states are 'undeveloped'. Or put another way, the greatness of a being is measured by the vastness of the range of its nature, rather than by the narrowness or adherence to any single extreme nature. more is more, less is less. Which ties in with enormous psychological revelations about embracing and integrating the entire whole self, without internal strife, repression, etc. and accepting dichotomy (or more accurately "harmonized dichotomy") as an ideal rather than a conflict.
at some point about 5 years ago, I had surpassed any need for the personal energy of any other being. I was/am able to synthesize energy, or transmute it for any use, in pretty much limitless amounts, in any quantity which I can actually manage to handle. and so stopped self identifying as a psi vamp, or at least as a practicing one. though I do think of my energy body's essential design layout as being more akin to a psi vamp's than to a typical pranic model. I don't naturally generate personal energy, but I can access/make/transmute it with a dexterity and ease which obsoletes vampiric practices, except for perhaps situations like recreational exotic tantric practices.
about 3-4 years ago I came to realize that my concept of physical space-time was actually holding me back on the spiritual level where things are not nearly so limited. This has lead to a deconstruction of 'most' of my actual practices and techniques, rebuilding them in forms which abandon things like specificity of place, distance, quantity, time, etc. This really revolutionized my magical practices and capacities. the 'crown gift' had by then become superfluous.
a couple years ago I came to find that a surprising number of my mentor's teachings paralleled some of the content to be found in a variety of tantric religious sects. So i began studying tantra in earnest. Although I do not adopt any 'religion' as a personal label, my path is a fairly personal and unique one between myself and my mentor.
I hesitate to comment on anything which is really recent (in the last 2 years), as my path has taken turns which are difficult to easily express or make clearly understood. in a nutshell though, i have endured a sort of trial by fire which was life threatening, but willingly undertaken. And I have endured a prolonged phase of separation from my mentor for purposes of 'self realizing' critical stages of my spiritual growth, independently, by necessity, because the nature of the growth required a very purely 'self' focused approach without a supporting figure in the background. To evolve 'out' from under her shadow, so to speak. The most recent major shift has been the conclusion of this period of separation, and some instruction on items I failed to fully work out on my own.
I consider my path to be closer to the finish than the start. And my path actually does have a form of 'finish', after which activity and interests and such will still continue, but I will have reached the summit of the explicit overriding goals I hold in this and other incarnations. I expect the finish to be vastly more changing and profound than anything leading up to it, which is almost daunting, considering all the change i've already moved through. fortunately i don't really get daunted
sorry for the novella length reply
great topic though.Kate
‘????????? -
?? ????Audaces fortuna iuvat
?