I'm trying to push past my subconscious

[Afrit]

So I was raised my entire life in a very strict, tight, almost abusive Christian religion. My mom was emotionally abusive on the matter, forcing me and my siblings to follow these strict sets of rules and beliefs. To not do so, there would be very serious life altering consequences. For example, I told my mom I didn't want to go to the church anymore because it made me uncomfortable and depressed. I was then homeschooled, and kept at home for 3 years, wasn't allowed to talk to friends, or have friends over. the only time I was allowed to even leave the house was when my mom went to the grocery store, (or to go to that church).

In the belief system of this religion, it was pushed upon us quite harshly that those who study or practice occultism is an unforgivable sin to God. It is demonic and satanic and there is no right or wrong in the matter and that whoever even looks at it with interest will always be unfavorable to God.

So I turned 18, I left the church, my parents don't talk to me and refuse to let my siblings talk to me even after my sister died in February of this year. I began my pursuit of the occult. I like what I have learned, and I read for hours every day of all these books I have and I scan this website for more resources I can look at. But the second I try to practice anything I have learned, any ceremonious or ritualistic magick, my subconscious kicks in so hard that I end up getting overwhelmed in fear and guilt to the point of physically shaking. Consciously I know that what I read about and what I practice isn't evil, and I don't believe in anything I was taught as a child. But something comes over me every time I try to practice Magick.

The only thing I can do or practice without this subconscious attack happening to me is meditation and astral projection (as I have mentioned in my last post). For some reason that fear and guilt doesn't hit me during those times.


Is there any tips or pieces of advice that I can get to overcome this? I'm not sure what I can do, and I don't want to limit myself to only reading about Magick and not being able to practice it. Any pieces of advice would be very helpful and appreciated.

[manofsands]

That kind of programming can be difficult to overcome, even when you are consciously aware of it. The best you can do is give yourself time. Don't stop your studies, but don't worry about pushing too hard.

You must also inwardly address your past.

Your mother will always be your mother. Her influence is in the mortar of your being. Luckily your cells replace themselves ever 7 years [geek] [wink2]. No really, to acknowledge your mothers part in this, just know as awful as it was she thought what she was doing was in your best interest ...but you believe different things, and that is ok. Secondly, that the way you were created, full of questions and wonder, is not a mistake and just because you were raised to think there was only one book of answers... there are actually many paths to the top of the mountain.

Give yourself time. Know it is ok to seek answers. Trust your gut to tell you what is right or wrong for you. Acknowledge and take responsibility for your actions.

[thumbup]

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

Part of the reason I'm staying away from attending a church or any kind of organized religion anymore is that, while it wasn't rammed down my throat in an abusive manner, I've notice just how hypnotic and suggestive a good brow-beating can be from someone who really believes they know all the answers. Objectivity takes very delicate apparatus and it seems like if that apparatus is still developing or being redeveloped it takes time away to assess itself and strengthen before it's fully capable of fending off intellectual (more often anti-intellectual) and emotional attacks or the power of suggestion when surrounded by hundreds of people who roundly believe something and believe it intensely.

A couple reads through the bible at least helped me raise my own questions when I was going through my own re-immersion in fundamentalism a while ago and knowing the history of the bible, understanding the content, the particular variances, the cultural background of it, the different mystery teachings of the region that formed the foundations of it, the archaeological history and where modern scholars believe, say, the Pentateuch to have been built and why, a lot more seems to become clearer. Anymore a book filled with astrology particularly in the Pentateuch, Ezekiel, and Revelations - no problem, a pagan saint-king named Melchizedek and Jesus being a priest in the order of Melchizedek according to Paul - no problem, loads of emanationist/panentheist (thanks Namiel) language about the kingdom within, God being all (judgement of the righteous and the wicked "Master, master! When did we see you naked and not cloth you? Hungry and not feed you?"), the church being the body of Christ or reattaching to him (cough..Adam Kadmon...cough....) - wonderful and enlightening. The ban on magic on the other hand...lets see here..... most of the sins of the bible are common sense, most of them can be things you can directly link to the world being made a worse or more chaotic and strife-filled place......magic? Ahh wait......that undermines the power of the Levitical priesthood.....a theocratic nation....even exposes what they're capable of doing as being available to all.....ahh got it!

Pretty much the more you can plumb the bible in context of its pagan framework and understand what its not or what mainstream Christianity these days has way off the mark (apocalypse to come perhaps being the most hazardous to culture and environment) the more you'll be able to answer the fears that are buried deeper down. Also, if it might help, you may find Manly P Hall's Secret Teachings of All the Ages helpful in that it addresses a lot of the mythological forerunner material and has some interesting quotes from Flavius Josephus on the temple rituals and how they compared to other regional beliefs and practices. Probably good to note before reading that MP Hall was actually very much in favor of the main thrust of Christianity so much of his work on the predecessor stories of Christ were not debunk but rather connecting these things to their sources and documenting the impulse that lead to the Johnian/Paulian Christos narrative and hoping that people could take the best of its import without getting beaten roundly by its dogmas. I also liked Poke Runyon's Hermetic Hour show in the book 'Jesus the Canaanite' which posits the authors of the Old Testament as Cyrus the Great and Ezra and suggests Jesus being an El devotee (El being something tantamount to a kinder and gentler Zeus) and Reza Aslan's 'Zealot' does a good job as well of picking apart what the region and beliefs of the times were, the gulf in theology and even somewhat open battle between James and Paul, or what a coliseum full of Jews would or wouldn't have said (ie. "We only have one king and he is Caesar!" would have been a fast way to assassination by one's own countrymen).

[Eremita]

So I was raised my entire life in a very strict, tight, almost abusive Christian religion. My mom was emotionally abusive on the matter, forcing me and my siblings to follow these strict sets of rules and beliefs. To not do so, there would be very serious life altering consequences. For example, I told my mom I didn't want to go to the church anymore because it made me uncomfortable and depressed. I was then homeschooled, and kept at home for 3 years, wasn't allowed to talk to friends, or have friends over. the only time I was allowed to even leave the house was when my mom went to the grocery store, (or to go to that church). So I turned 18, I left the church, my parents don't talk to me and refuse to let my siblings talk to me even after my sister died in February of this year.

That is truly awful, I'm very sad to hear about that. May I ask, what particular Christian faith/Church do your parents follow?

Is there any tips or pieces of advice that I can get to overcome this? I'm not sure what I can do, and I don't want to limit myself to only reading about Magick and not being able to practice it. Any pieces of advice would be very helpful and appreciated.

It is unfortunate that you were the subject of such a fundamentalist upbringing. I've seen it many times before and it breaks my heart.

However, one thing I will say with confidence is that your negative physical and psychological response to non-Christian behaviour will fade in time. You've had a lot of fear programmed into you, and that doesn't turn off overnight. But recognising intellectually that Christian fundamentalism isn't for you is half the battle already won.

My mother is a Jehovah's Witness, and they can be a pretty cult-like group of people when you get down to it; I have some idea of what you're going through. My mother wasn't too crazy about it, but I know quite a few kids who were brainwashed hard into the JW faith (as well as other churches), and after going through rough patches of feeling alone and lost upon leaving the faith in young adulthood, virtually all of them are now living happy, independent lives. The point is, it will get easier in time. May I ask also how old you are now?

A couple of pieces of advice from a stranger on the internet:

1. Don't feel guilty about your family casting you out. It was their decision, not yours, and assuming you treat them with respect, you are blameless for how they treat you.
2. Keep up the meditation!
3. You might try some positive affirmations. Getting nice and relaxed and repeating to yourself something like: "I am free of fear and guilt" may help you to let go of the same over time.
4. If you're really struggling, or if other areas of your life are affected, talk to a psychologist or professional counselor. Some of these men and women can be true miracle workers.

I hope you find peace in your occult studies, and if you need to talk to someone feel free to PM me any time.

[RoseRed]

Magic's not for everybody. I believe that wielding magic is an inherent talent. Not everyone has that ability. Some that do have upbringings like yours that make things difficult.

Psychic skills are different than magic. These are things that you were born with that you can work with and strengthen.

There is usually some overlap between psychic skills and magic but not always. if you're interested in working with your natural abilities at this time you can look into Psyionics.

Have you looked into Chumbley at all? I think he's the one that was big on doing the full Mass backwards as a way of breaking those ties. Granted - it's not something that I would do, nor do I have a need to do so.

Growing up and maturing is all about overcoming our childhoods. It can be done. It takes a lot of work.

One thing that I can tell you is that if you continue to try to practice magic before you have these issues settled within yourself - it ain't gonna work right.

[Afrit]

Thanks for all the advice guys! The irony of my family is that my grandmother was a witch up until she died, and my mother is a Jehovah's Witness. I will definitely look into Chumbley, thanks for that piece of advice.

[Desecrated]

Philip Kapleau - The Three Pillars of Zen

He talks a lot of facing a mental wall and how to work with that.

The 3 short things I will mention are these.

1. Let your attacks play out, see how far you can push them, find out what is at the end of them. See it as a new experience. You'll probably end up learning something about yourself.
Chances are that you are stronger then you think.

2. Keep pushing. Get angry. fuck your mom, fuck her god, Just push through it, you're an adult now, you've grown from your experience, no-one can take that away from you.

3. Relax. these things take time. Sometimes when you push to hard it backfires. Magic is a little bit like farting. If you have to push it, you might end up with a little poop.
The best way to survive going down a waterfall is to just relax and go with the water. Sooner or later the water will calm down and you can swim to shore without depleting your muscles.

(contradictions are fun)

[RoseRed]

It doesn't happen often but I completely agree with Desecrated here.

[Horny Goat]

It might be a good idea to learn self hypnosis and also NLP. These are both methods that help with changing thoughts, attitudes and feelings, which is exactly what you need to do in order to get rid of these bad feelings.