Trying Times

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I'm at a bit of a quandary right now and realizing that my path forward may very well be different than where I've been and where I've come from. I'm feeling a little bit lost right now but I remembered that this was a place where a lot of people have a broad portfolio of both eastern and western traditions under their belts and I think that may very well come to my aid in this case.

First of all I wanted to mention - I was doing the Israel Regardie One Year Manual last year through the beginning of this year. I got to Step XI and had to stop - mainly that I was being asked to take the paranoia pledge - ie. the idea that everything that happens in my life is essentially God, or a conscious and deliberate universe, dialoguing with me. Even before that point I realized I couldn't suffer that kind of logic because the sheer quantity of absurdities, both in my life and in the lives of others, make that impossible to believe. Feeling a bit dejected after that I looked around for a while and decided to do past-life regression and life-between-lives therapy; that turned out to be a patent dud and a probable rip-off. Most recently, this past weekend, I decided to do something and take a dip into my own subconscious - that experience I think killed off most of my remaining faith that any sorts of beings that I might feel I'm interacting with can in any way be proven to be anything other than my imagination. The other part - AMORC bored me, and bored me, and bored me, until all of a sudden I was supposed to do obscure and odd exercises that I'd notice immediate (within a week) results on - they put me to sleep until the lesson plan went completely passed me. What I don't understand with their lesson plan - if something's real but it very easily sounds like complete new age hattery, you should really save that for after having asked someone to do enough pranayama or whatever else that they get undeniable feedback with the experiments - otherwise every faculty of that person's reason is going to revolt. BOTA hasn't been nearly as bad but the gematria is hitting pretty hard in the current section and I know I've got a course in astrology coming up - that's making me worry whether I'll be able to stomach staying in either order.

Where I think I'm forced to go in my beliefs about this stuff at this point:
- We're the product of evolution from single-celled organisms in the oceans 3 billion years ago. No ancient aliens, no intelligent design. The idea that there's any sort of deliberate plan or even a supervising force pushing us toward progress or making sure that we get exactly what we deserve in the long run seems more and more unlikely.
- It's likely indisputable at this point, especially with Dean Radin's work but plenty of others as well, that there is a mental background to the universe. What I'm forced to contemplate at this point - that it's not at all intelligent, that the mess of the way this world came together is purely through it making enough lucky mistakes.
- Astrology and divination are something I can't touch anymore and if there's anything, ever, to astrology it looks like something that would be in the memory of that conscious fabric and fed back to us for the sheer fact that humans believed it for thousands of years.
- Gematria - there's barely a thing worthwhile in it. It has maybe a handful of persuasive references that might suggest that the Levites deliberately tweeked the Canaanite language to make certain ideas available to certain kinds of people. Otherwise it seems like pure nuttery and even what is credible there is perhaps interesting from a historical perspective but doesn't seem like it offers much of anything outside of that lens.

All of that leaves me with deep doubts about the integrity of what I've been doing and studying and at the same time I'm not really allowed to just become an atheist materialist again - the evidence has that door shut just as tightly. I'd also add, for the past four years of my involvement with this stuff, my number of mystical experiences have progressively decreased rather than increased - making the suspended disbelief in what asks for mental gymastic dodges of current scientific knowledge practically unbearable. That pushes the inevitable question - where do I go from here?

I really feel like I need to do some kind of energy work, have a daily routine, etc. and could maybe stick with meditation and pranayama of some type but I'm not sure what else. For as much as I'd love to be in a tradition I'm starting to get the feeling at this point that there are few if any that won't be loaded down with the kind of intellectual baggage that will grind my endurance down.

Just wondering if anyone's been stuck where I'm at for any significant stretch of time before and, if so, what they'd recommend. One thing's for sure - I'm absolutely humbled. My book knowledge is truly and resoundingly worthless and I know it. So as a guy who realizes he's been at the bottom of the progress bar all this time but who doesn't want to give up, wants to keep going, but will likely have to do it all a different way going forward - I'm stuck going back to the drawing board to figure out what I can keep, what I'm forced to pitch, and what I can gather from the remaining pieces to sustain my hope that I can make some kind of progress in my life.

[chowderpope]

Material atheism is gross.

AMORC seem to have some worthwhile teachings, but ultimately I think the things they teach are basically public domain and can be learned at the library. They do not justify their $15/mo. study materials. They are designed like any modern company that sells content, and I'll bet they make a lot of money selling the same old recycled learning materials. It just doesn't feel good to me, personally.

You can believe that the composition of the world is completely due to chance, and still have faith in an ultimate power. True, the world is based on rules and everything has developed within the limits of those rules over billions of years. Who is to say there is no ultimate truth behind it all? If you ask me there has to be. Looking at God like it has to be a man in the sky is for dum dums.

The same goes for astrology. As above, so below. There are elements within ourselves that are symbolized by the planets. It's a symbolic art. The people who call astrology bullshit are the same people who say all religions are bullshit. They haven't read enough to make an informed decision but think they know enough to know it's all trash. Sure, there are people who make astrology look bad, as there are people who make religion look bad. But I'll just say that there is truth in astrology.

I think divination is a way of having a conversation with yourself using powerful symbols. My personal hunch is that my HGA is involved in the shuffle and draw. I've had way too many funny things revealed to me.

Being paranoid that everything has meaning is what happens to people when they get shizophrenia. It's called magical thinking. It's why Desecrated tells people who have mental problems to not practice magic, because it just sends them deeper into delusion. I think there's a place and a time for interpreting signals from the other side, but you have to be rooted firmly on the Earth. Regardie is a good teacher but he's not the end all be all, so don't feel bad about abandoning that book.

I think continuing your yogic practice would be good for you. Maybe you could focus on other areas of life, for now. Maybe take up a hobby, or focus on existing hobbies to give yourself a break from all the magic hubba bubba. Maybe take up Qi Gong or Tai Chi, or some kind of hard martial art. Focus on your experience, drink in life through your face holes and enjoy it. Trust yourself, and feel more confident with not knowing. You don't have to know everything. Some things are unknowable. Just enjoy the mystery.

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I re-listened to a Dean Radin podcast that I was chewing on a few nights ago but never finished.

A few more things came to mind:
- The likelihood that heredity might play a big role with this stuff.
- From the way evolution can kick this stuff in or out of style on local/pragmatic concerns seems to suggest that its not as important to the bigger picture as many mystics might consider it.

The other thing too - I've heard people suggest that for spirits to touch base with someone they have to knock themselves out just about as much as we have to knock ourselves out. In other words my progress bar very easily could have had little or nothing to do with reality (but... then again... quite possible my practices are also in that category).

I very much may need to get myself back into 'life' more though. With the martial arts I'm on the fence - 8 1/2 years of kali and I'm working too late (new ASP.Net/MVC programming gig) to be there on the week days but I will be able to make a few Saturdays per month again soon. Just gotta figure out I guess, in my life and how I'm living it, WTF is a realistic plan based on what the universe is rather than what some Victorian GD'ers might have hoped for.

[Desecrated]

Why not take a break for a while?

[Cerber]

You sound very attached to your past work. I could feel the burden of it just by reading your post.
Let it all burn, sink, crumble [yay] [yay] party! yeey! [yay]

Although this tread addressed to people who know what they are talking about.. [shh]