Got this in an email and got a good chuckle. May you chuckle as well
Aquarius: Jan. 21st - Feb 19th
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks youâ??re a jerk. You enjoy getting screwed by large inanimate objects.
Pisces: Feb. 20th - Mar. 19th
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or Aliens. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting what you confuse as power. You lack confidence and you smell funny.
Aries: Mar. 20th - Apr. 18th
You are a pioneer type and think most people are d*ckheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and scornful of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come into contact with. Basically, you are a pr*ck.
Taurus: Apr. 19th - May 19th
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and stick-to-itivness because you never do anything right the first time. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but an a**hole.
Gemini: May 20th - Jun. 20th
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminiâ??s are notorious for hitting on their siblings.
Cancer: Jun. 21st - Jul. 21st
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peopleâ??s problems, which makes you a nosey pr*ck. You always keep putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and wonâ??t be worth a turd. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.
Leo: Jul. 22nd - Aug 22nd
You consider yourself a born leader. Everyone thinks you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leos are thieving dip-sh*ts and enjoy masturbating more than sex.
Virgo: Aug. 23rd - Sep. 21st
You are a logical type and hate disorder. Your knit-picking attitude is sickening to your coworkers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep during sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra: Sep. 22nd - Oct. 22nd
You are the artistic type and you have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably gay. Chance for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are sluts. All Libras have one form of venereal disease.
Scorpio: Oct. 23rd - Nov. 21st
The worst of the lot!!! You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-b*tch. Most Scorpios are MURDERED.
Sagittarius: Nov. 23rd - Dec. 20th
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittariusâ?? are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are indeed a worthless piece of crap.
Capricorn: Dec. 21st - Jan. 20th
You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-sh*t. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
The third horoscope saying I'd be murdered today, LOL!