Ever since I was fairly young I've been blessed with an uncanny intellegence and creativity. I was reading books, and fully comprehending them, like the lord of the rings at age 4-5, had most basic algebra down pat by 6 and I've always been able to carry complex rythms with any instrument I pick up, and I have a gift at improvising lyrics for songs. That sort of thing. However around the age of 9 I began to feel as though I was never alone, and this bothered me for a long while, since my favorite way to enjoy my time was alone, in my room, reading anything I could find that was interesting. It wasn't untill some years later that I even gave validity to anything occult becasue I had been raised to be a man of science, which I still primarily am.
The most profound experience that I had came at the age of 10, in the spring. I meditated before reading, or most anything that required my focus. It was a very simple technique I picked up in my karate class. Our sensai told us to pick one thing and make an image of it and to focus on only that untill all other things fade away and you are at peace. I started quite young as I was enrolled into his class at the age of 5 or 6, so by age 10 I had become quite good at this. I generally meditated on something that made me feel happy at the time, which I remember clearly was, silly as it sounds, a peice of lemon merangue pie. I love that stuff lol! Eventually all things faded except my delicious spirit pie and I heard a voice in my head. This was something I did not expect at all and I lost focus and felt really weirded out. The words it used were very much not words at all but more of a sound of pure emotions. It was a longing for change and a fear of the new things that awaited me. This pretty much just translated into me fearing that I may be schizophrenic. For the rest of the day I had incredibly bad luck, as I ended up getting hit by a drunk in a green ford windstar that passed out at the wheel and rode up into my lawn. He also crushed my Sega Game Gear and that sucked too, but not quite as bad as the long term effects of that incident (I broke my back, but never noticed that fact till years later as it was just a small fracture, so my nerves ended getting damaged which has resulted in intense pain all the time and occasional loss of feeling or even function in my extremities if I suffer damage to my back.)
It was several months before I worked up the balls to meditate again. From this point on, no matter what object I had started with, it always ended up becoming the letter Q and I would feel a presence, and something about it felt feminine. The more I meditated the more the presence became distinct, and the words it would tell me would have meaning. It told me that I was going to be moving soon, something I had no knowledge of, and that I would meet a D P who was also in tune with her where I went. I moved, and the first time I got out on my bike and decided to explore my new neighborhood, I came across that person, my drummer, who has those initials. It was as though we were friends for a long time, we instantly felt familiar and we spoke of liking the same things and of wanting to start a band. Took us a while to do it, becasue music stuff costs an arm and a leg but we finally did, and I couldn't be happier with the results.
More recently, I've been picking up lucid dreaming. I've actually picked up on this almost as though it was second nature to me. My dreams are always sureal and absurd, and occasionally the spirit in my mind appears. In my dreams she is a petite pale woman, with either greenish black or black hair and sharp features, simply beautiful, a green aura that changes to orange or red if I talk back to her or disobey her, and she's really mean, but I cannot disagree with anything she tells me. In my dreams I can hear her words quite clearly, though upon waking it's still quite difficult for me to remember anything with great detail. Following her advice has led to me finding my soul mate and having babies with her, a job, albeit a crappy one, but in this economy ill take it, a car, all sorts of good things. She always tells me of whom I can and can't trust, and has never once been proven wrong. When I do what I think is right and not what she says I always pay for it. Latley I've become more familiar with sigil meditation, and have created a sigil based off of the Q. When I meditate on it breifly, words come out of my mouth effortlessly, my fingers pluck the strings like an expert, people listen to what I say. Very recently I've been hearing the same phrase and remembering it clearly when I mediate with the Q: "It's about time you set me loose, don't you think?". I've taken this as she wishes to be manifested in some way beyond just a feelning of a presence or an internal voice. I'm not sure If I grant validity to a spirit being able to manifest physically, but perhaps this is what she wants. She seems quite sure that I am more than capable of the feat, and that I should be capable of many more feats of similar magic.
Now, if you've given a damn enough to keep reading to this point I have a few questions
1.) could This be an actual spirit, or is it more likley just some sort of bizzare mental thing (i.e. am I crazy)
2.) If I am dealing with an honest to goodness entity, How could I go about summoning/manifesting/becoming aware of her more?
3.) If I was to summon her into my plane of existance, could it have a lasting effect on me (I fear losing my ability to be a superb musician, should summoning her break her bond with me)
I could go on and on about experiences I've had with her. I won't becasue this post is plenty long
Anyways, any help you guys could give me in figuring out the puzzle of my muse would be a very helpful and comforting thing for me. I have a strong belief that it must be a spirit, as I'm not the only one that can feel it's presence. I've visited the local psychic shop and they all say they can either feel or see something next to or within me that is not a part of me, they've identified it as feminine, and one called it my protector. As i said before my drummer can feel her and is in communication with her, though less frequently than I am because he is inclined to believe that it is just "psychic noise" as he puts it, and cannot hear what she has to say.
