OccultForum.org

EternalReturn wrote:Shit son, I want that what you smoke [lol]

It seems to me that you forgot to breathe or your blood pressure changed rapidly because of that crouch combined with carbon dioxide from the smoke and that should knock you out. You wrote that you crouched while feeling lightheaded which is nice thing to do so you don't hurt yourself much. But it makes rapid changes in your blood pressure. One friend who's a doctor recommended to take a hit, then crouch while holding breath, and rise as you exhale to me and I almost got knocked out. I believe you passed this threshold but try not to as it can do some permanent brain damage.

On the other hand, that sure sounds like a nice trip [yay]

corvidus wrote:Kool stuff, as long as you're being careful about it
And considering the eyes...

Have you ever considered that we have three separate eyes -two outside and one in the mind?

And have you ever considered joining their 'energy' into One? Something I've been working on is to redirect the current of energy from my external vision to my internal vision. It seems like you're going about the same thing-- shutting off your external sight. But it might be more useful in the end if the flow is just redirected.

RoseRed wrote:People get all sorts of weird images and lights when they mess with their eyeballs like that. It's a physical reaction. And unless you want to permanently damage your eyes - I wouldn't suggest experimenting with it.

I wanna know what your weed was laced with or what else you took?

A growling frog?... but you don't hallucinate. OK.

Actually, the returning to universal energy is a rather common theory regarding death.

Kurokami wrote:

RoseRed wrote:People get all sorts of weird images and lights when they mess with their eyeballs like that. It's a physical reaction. And unless you want to permanently damage your eyes - I wouldn't suggest experimenting with it.

I wanna know what your weed was laced with or what else you took?
If you're having this reaction to plain old weed with nothing added in or other substances with it - there's a problem.

A growling frog?... but you don't hallucinate. OK.

Actually, the returning to universal energy is a rather common theory regarding death.

No... not a growling frog.

Was in a frog like position,
I must have somehow known that it was the best position to be in before passing out.
Like I said - a growling frog.

And as for the growling, I am openly admitting my own labelling of what I presume to be a mental defect.
eh, it could be. Have you been taking 'ultimate' shortcuts also?

I would like to label it as: Therian Personality Disorder/T.P.D.
I hope you'll explain what this means.

I have noticed that as I am awakening from a trance/dream state of mind, I have this alter personality, a wolf... I guess?

It only happens when I am stressed, I will wake up and strangely eagerly approach my front door after it had been knocked on and in my head I will appear to my self to be talking normal, but the person on the other side of the door will have heard vicious (primitive emotion) barking.

Which lasts about 1-3 seconds.

My barking incident came about two times.
You think you're talking but you're actually barking at them? This is a problem and not a common occultic one.

And it my assumption that my brain somehow created this mental program for me to ward off any physical or mental offenders when they are present at inappropriate time of day or night.
Perhaps you should tell your brain that it needs to come up with sonething that won't get you locked up in the loony bin.

The first time is described in my o.p.

The second time, I just described now; what seems to be going on here is that if you can get me to be animate while unconscious (or damn near it) an alter personality or conscious operation takes place in me, a primitive one at best. ~
Sounds like some shadow work or internal work is needed here.

I think this phenomenon to be my fault because I had asked my self for this.

Some of you know this in the form as: "Servitor."

From which I only have one.

This servitor can speak swahili and is the form of a alpha wolf.
Do you speak swahili? If not, how do you know for certain?

I only ever hallucinate by one of three following occurrences in my experience:

1.) Sleeping/Dreaming
2.) Passing the threshold from "dream state" to "conscious state", or vice versa.
3.) Staying awake for more than three days to an entire week.

Else / Otherwise... nai, I certainly doth not hallucinate, especially not out of no where for no apparent reason...
Try not to take offense. Levels of hallucinations vary.

What process did you use to create this servitor and what made you choose an alpha wolf (which may or may not be your actual animal?

RoseRed wrote:

Kurokami wrote:

RoseRed wrote:People get all sorts of weird images and lights when they mess with their eyeballs like that. It's a physical reaction. And unless you want to permanently damage your eyes - I wouldn't suggest experimenting with it.

I wanna know what your weed was laced with or what else you took?
If you're having this reaction to plain old weed with nothing added in or other substances with it - there's a problem.

A growling frog?... but you don't hallucinate. OK.

Actually, the returning to universal energy is a rather common theory regarding death.

No... not a growling frog.

Was in a frog like position,
I must have somehow known that it was the best position to be in before passing out.
Like I said - a growling frog.

And as for the growling, I am openly admitting my own labelling of what I presume to be a mental defect.
eh, it could be. Have you been taking 'ultimate' shortcuts also?

I would like to label it as: Therian Personality Disorder/T.P.D.
I hope you'll explain what this means.

I have noticed that as I am awakening from a trance/dream state of mind, I have this alter personality, a wolf... I guess?

It only happens when I am stressed, I will wake up and strangely eagerly approach my front door after it had been knocked on and in my head I will appear to my self to be talking normal, but the person on the other side of the door will have heard vicious (primitive emotion) barking.

Which lasts about 1-3 seconds.

My barking incident came about two times.
You think you're talking but you're actually barking at them? This is a problem and not a common occultic one.

And it my assumption that my brain somehow created this mental program for me to ward off any physical or mental offenders when they are present at inappropriate time of day or night.
Perhaps you should tell your brain that it needs to come up with sonething that won't get you locked up in the loony bin.

The first time is described in my o.p.

The second time, I just described now; what seems to be going on here is that if you can get me to be animate while unconscious (or damn near it) an alter personality or conscious operation takes place in me, a primitive one at best. ~
Sounds like some shadow work or internal work is needed here.

I think this phenomenon to be my fault because I had asked my self for this.

Some of you know this in the form as: "Servitor."

From which I only have one.

This servitor can speak swahili and is the form of a alpha wolf.
Do you speak swahili? If not, how do you know for certain?

I only ever hallucinate by one of three following occurrences in my experience:

1.) Sleeping/Dreaming
2.) Passing the threshold from "dream state" to "conscious state", or vice versa.
3.) Staying awake for more than three days to an entire week.

Else / Otherwise... nai, I certainly doth not hallucinate, especially not out of no where for no apparent reason...
Try not to take offense. Levels of hallucinations vary.

What process did you use to create this servitor and what made you choose an alpha wolf (which may or may not be your actual animal?

Kurokami wrote:
I would have done the same thing if weed wasn't in the picture, and I guessing none of you smoke weed because y'all do not fully know what effects weed can and cannot deliver.

Kurokami wrote: Also I personally deep down inside do not believe I have any mental problems

I have become this way because of abuse in the past, the world to me seemed evil and careless.

of course as stupid as people are they prescribe me with a damn therapist! I can fixyself so screw the therapist, I just want to know about any suppressed hidden information about me when I was little.

Kurokami wrote: There are three ways for me to remain numb:

1.) Same blood type heart transplant from a sociopath.
A.) The genetic mutation or malformation in the neural structutr of their heart is the key to my problem.
B.) Sociopaths do not feel bad for what they do, which is what I want.
C.) Genetic memories are passed down to the transplantee.

Kurokami wrote: Let's get back on topic, what are you beliefs on death?

Cygnus wrote:

Kurokami wrote:
I would have done the same thing if weed wasn't in the picture, and I guessing none of you smoke weed because y'all do not fully know what effects weed can and cannot deliver.

That's quite an assumption. I used to enjoy "weed" (though I've never liked that term) for many years (long-time rock n roller, what more can I say?). Eventually I gave it up because it became boring.

Kurokami wrote: Also I personally deep down inside do not believe I have any mental problems

I have become this way because of abuse in the past, the world to me seemed evil and careless.

of course as stupid as people are they prescribe me with a damn therapist! I can fixyself so screw the therapist, I just want to know about any suppressed hidden information about me when I was little.

I'm truly sorry for anyone who was abused, but it's quite clear that you can't "fix yourself", there's no shame in getting professional help.

Kurokami wrote: There are three ways for me to remain numb:

1.) Same blood type heart transplant from a sociopath.
A.) The genetic mutation or malformation in the neural structutr of their heart is the key to my problem.
B.) Sociopaths do not feel bad for what they do, which is what I want.
C.) Genetic memories are passed down to the transplantee.

Sorry, but scientifically and medically, this is all complete nonsense, especially the part in bold.
Claiming you want be sociopathic again brings us back to the need for professional help.

Kurokami wrote: Let's get back on topic, what are you beliefs on death?

It's inevitable, and we have no idea when it will come, so try to enjoy life while you can. Personally I'm a bit sceptical about the "head towards the big bright light" stories, I feel there's a biological explanation for that.

Kurokami wrote: I guess the problem here is my inability to get you to understand.
That's not actually actually the problem here.

No offense taken.
Good, I'm glad [cool2]

And again, no - weed is not laced, for god saks I shouldn't have mentioned it.
But it is a mind altering substance that many people use in occultic context. That's too bad, really. Laced weed would've been the easiest and simplest answer.

I would have done the same thing if weed wasn't in the picture, and I guessing none of you smoke weed because y'all do not fully know what effects weed can and cannot deliver.
Seriously?

Also I personally deep down inside do not believe I have any mental problems but lack of control of my life which leads me to behave in frustrated ways, sometimes weird and sometimes not.
As far as I can tell, you're the only one that's mentioned it.

It is comepletey natural and yet very taboo to normans, norman means someone who grew up right, someone who has not been abused mentally with fear and embarrassment.

Now I am not assuming that anyone here is a norman.
Really? People are broken - mostly from their childhoods.

There is nothing medically wrong with me, the only thing wrong with me is the fact that I can feel emotion and feelings, mostly that of anxeity and fear and low self esteem and social awkwardness, I am also an introvert.
I don't understand what you mean by you 'can' feel emotion and feelings. Your own or others? If it's others - that's called being empathic and many empaths have issues before they learn to control it.

I have become this way because of abuse in the past, the world to me seemed evil and careless.

No one gave a damm, no one understood why I treated them eye for an eye every now and then.

So you see, my own judgement is always because this is what I think people want to hear, and most of the time I am right when I make those judgements, I iust know what most likely will be said and I don't have time for that. From everyone or just the people that are close to you?

For example: if I call myself ugly, someone else will most likely feel inclined to say to me that I am not ugly for the sake of how I am feeling.

And yes there are tons of people like that.
Yeah, no shit. You don't have to worry about that with me, at least.

But I sure love it when I am wrong, because when I am wrong at least I know I am on the right path.
That's sounds awfully similar to 'if the road is easy it's probably the wrong one.' LOL

All I need to is develop my tools for combatting day to day "feelings", and I won't have these problems anymore.
Cool - any idea what tools you need? Which ones could be helpful? Or harmful if used incorrectly? Do you even know what exactly the problem is?

Fear is the ultimate problem.

If I can eliminate it, then I can say goodbye to being manipulated.
That's not quite how it works. Fear serves it's purposes - and it has many. It's a biological function that's hardwired into the meatsuit you call home. But you can learn how to use it and harness it.

And no I will not elaborate on T.P.D. as it is not a real condition, it is a self label.
Then how are we supposed to know what you're talking about?

Everything I mentioned is perfectly normal, I have a few other friends who are experiencing the same effects minus the gibberish/random language phenomenon.
Unless you're a Fundamentalist in the middle of a church service - random language speaking is not normal. Neither is barking or growling while in the frog position.

Ok - you're unconscious at the time. Some part of you is obviously working and it's not the paralzying agents that are released while we sleep. The times you mention are transitional times between different brain waves. This is one of the more common states for people to experience the woowoo. You haven't said anything that makes me think you're nuts - other than barking at people outside your front door but you weren't actually awake for that.

Are you familiar with the terms The Great Work, Shadow Work, Self Work - anything along those lines? Those are pretty specific things and that's what I was asking about.

I do not speak swahili nor do I know for certain that this servitor can speak swahili because it only did so once.
Then how do you know it was speaking Swahili?

Without knowing the steps that were taken in it's creation - no one can really give you much of anything regarding what you're calling a servitor.

I only call it a servitor because it appears to me as one - and I asked for a stronger personality to my subconscious if it was listening to me and only if it was tired of feeling what I felt.

It can simply just be that my subconscious has so much fear of letting anyone down that even in the midst of transcending past the threshold of unconsciousness to consciousness - it behaves the way it ought to based on how I feel inside.
That's a huge issue that you'll have to work on if you truly want to walk down the occultic paths. That level of fear and failure is detrimental to the magician.

Me answering the door as I shouldn't have been able to... is a more likely fact.

I believe that my subconscious is being quite the active learner.
Most of them are:)

If I can learn how to pass by a moment when I supposed to pass out but choose not to, such as having lack of oxygen, then why not my subconscious act it self out as I am unconscious?

If I can defeat paralysis each and every time, then why not my subconscious act itself out as I am unconscious?

Besides the growling, no I do not need to tell myself nothing to get rid of this because it is not a problem but a hyper reaction towards activity as I am waking up.
Not being an issue really does depend on who you're barking at.

Previously in the past I have always had this 'fear' that one out of every group of people are out to hurt me and it was certainly THAT because of my peers and environment.

I will not get into that so do not ask, it is very personal.

Now this reaction of mine as I awake is perfectly normal, it is a survival reaction.

My therapist and doc do not see anything wrong with me except for the fear I feel which is a huge problem... to me.

They are in no position to make judgements anyways because I do not tell them the full truth because - once again it is personal, I know myself better than they do.
That, in a nutshell, is a major problem. Until and unless you find medical personnel that you can be honest with...

I only asked for a psychologist - I was never recommended one by anyone but myself - I only asked for one because I was hoping that they would know something that I already do not.

Also if there was a way to be emotionally numb so that I can work for soceity and make money.

But of course as stupid as people are they prescribe me with a damn therapist! I can fixyself so screw the therapist, I just want to know about any suppressed hidden information about me when I was little.

There are three ways for me to remain numb:

1.) Same blood type heart transplant from a sociopath.
A.) The genetic mutation or malformation in the neural structutr of their heart is the key to my problem.
B.) Sociopaths do not feel bad for what they do, which is what I want.
C.) Genetic memories are passed down to the transplantee.

2.) Never accepting any gift from anyone ever, seeing the world through only one color, that color being pain.
A.) I'd always ask for the truth despite what they want me to hear.
B.) I'd never open up ever again and just live my life eye fpr an eye.
C.) I'd make sure people felt what they influencede to feel like, especially during my lowest moments from which I needed to recuperate from.

3.) Become a test subject for drugs that aim to disable parts of the brain that deal with stimulating or activating emotion or feeling, ore if not my brain, then areas of my nervous system.

Edit: I am done with editing this post, I am too frustrated with my lame phone, prism ii, it is the slowest piece of sh* I have ever used and the typing is horrible... So I will leave it you to fgure out where what meams what and what word goes where. ~ ^___^
I feel your pain with the phone thing. I waited until I was at my keyboard to write you back.

Now I done with this conversation, this post was not meant to be lead off topic...

So.. my apologies... </3

Let's get back on topic, what are you beliefs on death?

RoseRed wrote:

Kurokami wrote: I guess the problem here is my inability to get you to understand.
That's not actually actually the problem here.

No offense taken.
Good, I'm glad [cool2]

And again, no - weed is not laced, for god saks I shouldn't have mentioned it.
But it is a mind altering substance that many people use in occultic context. That's too bad, really. Laced weed would've been the easiest and simplest answer.

I would have done the same thing if weed wasn't in the picture, and I guessing none of you smoke weed because y'all do not fully know what effects weed can and cannot deliver.
Seriously?

Also I personally deep down inside do not believe I have any mental problems but lack of control of my life which leads me to behave in frustrated ways, sometimes weird and sometimes not.
As far as I can tell, you're the only one that's mentioned it.

It is comepletey natural and yet very taboo to normans, norman means someone who grew up right, someone who has not been abused mentally with fear and embarrassment.

Now I am not assuming that anyone here is a norman.
Really? People are broken - mostly from their childhoods.

There is nothing medically wrong with me, the only thing wrong with me is the fact that I can feel emotion and feelings, mostly that of anxeity and fear and low self esteem and social awkwardness, I am also an introvert.
I don't understand what you mean by you 'can' feel emotion and feelings. Your own or others? If it's others - that's called being empathic and many empaths have issues before they learn to control it.

I have become this way because of abuse in the past, the world to me seemed evil and careless.

No one gave a damm, no one understood why I treated them eye for an eye every now and then.

So you see, my own judgement is always because this is what I think people want to hear, and most of the time I am right when I make those judgements, I iust know what most likely will be said and I don't have time for that. From everyone or just the people that are close to you?

For example: if I call myself ugly, someone else will most likely feel inclined to say to me that I am not ugly for the sake of how I am feeling.

And yes there are tons of people like that.
Yeah, no shit. You don't have to worry about that with me, at least.

But I sure love it when I am wrong, because when I am wrong at least I know I am on the right path.
That's sounds awfully similar to 'if the road is easy it's probably the wrong one.' LOL

All I need to is develop my tools for combatting day to day "feelings", and I won't have these problems anymore.
Cool - any idea what tools you need? Which ones could be helpful? Or harmful if used incorrectly? Do you even know what exactly the problem is?

Fear is the ultimate problem.

If I can eliminate it, then I can say goodbye to being manipulated.
That's not quite how it works. Fear serves it's purposes - and it has many. It's a biological function that's hardwired into the meatsuit you call home. But you can learn how to use it and harness it.

And no I will not elaborate on T.P.D. as it is not a real condition, it is a self label.
Then how are we supposed to know what you're talking about?

Everything I mentioned is perfectly normal, I have a few other friends who are experiencing the same effects minus the gibberish/random language phenomenon.
Unless you're a Fundamentalist in the middle of a church service - random language speaking is not normal. Neither is barking or growling while in the frog position.

Ok - you're unconscious at the time. Some part of you is obviously working and it's not the paralzying agents that are released while we sleep. The times you mention are transitional times between different brain waves. This is one of the more common states for people to experience the woowoo. You haven't said anything that makes me think you're nuts - other than barking at people outside your front door but you weren't actually awake for that.

Are you familiar with the terms The Great Work, Shadow Work, Self Work - anything along those lines? Those are pretty specific things and that's what I was asking about.

I do not speak swahili nor do I know for certain that this servitor can speak swahili because it only did so once.
Then how do you know it was speaking Swahili?

Without knowing the steps that were taken in it's creation - no one can really give you much of anything regarding what you're calling a servitor.

I only call it a servitor because it appears to me as one - and I asked for a stronger personality to my subconscious if it was listening to me and only if it was tired of feeling what I felt.

It can simply just be that my subconscious has so much fear of letting anyone down that even in the midst of transcending past the threshold of unconsciousness to consciousness - it behaves the way it ought to based on how I feel inside.
That's a huge issue that you'll have to work on if you truly want to walk down the occultic paths. That level of fear and failure is detrimental to the magician.

Me answering the door as I shouldn't have been able to... is a more likely fact.

I believe that my subconscious is being quite the active learner.
Most of them are:)

If I can learn how to pass by a moment when I supposed to pass out but choose not to, such as having lack of oxygen, then why not my subconscious act it self out as I am unconscious?

If I can defeat paralysis each and every time, then why not my subconscious act itself out as I am unconscious?

Besides the growling, no I do not need to tell myself nothing to get rid of this because it is not a problem but a hyper reaction towards activity as I am waking up.
Not being an issue really does depend on who you're barking at.

Previously in the past I have always had this 'fear' that one out of every group of people are out to hurt me and it was certainly THAT because of my peers and environment.

I will not get into that so do not ask, it is very personal.

Now this reaction of mine as I awake is perfectly normal, it is a survival reaction.

My therapist and doc do not see anything wrong with me except for the fear I feel which is a huge problem... to me.

They are in no position to make judgements anyways because I do not tell them the full truth because - once again it is personal, I know myself better than they do.
That, in a nutshell, is a major problem. Until and unless you find medical personnel that you can be honest with...

I only asked for a psychologist - I was never recommended one by anyone but myself - I only asked for one because I was hoping that they would know something that I already do not.

Also if there was a way to be emotionally numb so that I can work for soceity and make money.

But of course as stupid as people are they prescribe me with a damn therapist! I can fixyself so screw the therapist, I just want to know about any suppressed hidden information about me when I was little.

There are three ways for me to remain numb:

1.) Same blood type heart transplant from a sociopath.
A.) The genetic mutation or malformation in the neural structutr of their heart is the key to my problem.
B.) Sociopaths do not feel bad for what they do, which is what I want.
C.) Genetic memories are passed down to the transplantee.

2.) Never accepting any gift from anyone ever, seeing the world through only one color, that color being pain.
A.) I'd always ask for the truth despite what they want me to hear.
B.) I'd never open up ever again and just live my life eye fpr an eye.
C.) I'd make sure people felt what they influencede to feel like, especially during my lowest moments from which I needed to recuperate from.

3.) Become a test subject for drugs that aim to disable parts of the brain that deal with stimulating or activating emotion or feeling, ore if not my brain, then areas of my nervous system.

Edit: I am done with editing this post, I am too frustrated with my lame phone, prism ii, it is the slowest piece of sh* I have ever used and the typing is horrible... So I will leave it you to fgure out where what meams what and what word goes where. ~ ^___^
I feel your pain with the phone thing. I waited until I was at my keyboard to write you back.

Now I done with this conversation, this post was not meant to be lead off topic...

So.. my apologies... </3

Let's get back on topic, what are you beliefs on death?

I have many. Are there any specific ones you'd like to hear about?

RoseRed wrote:

Kurokami wrote: I guess the problem here is my inability to get you to understand.
That's not actually actually the problem here.

No offense taken.
Good, I'm glad [cool2]

And again, no - weed is not laced, for god saks I shouldn't have mentioned it.
But it is a mind altering substance that many people use in occultic context. That's too bad, really. Laced weed would've been the easiest and simplest answer.

I would have done the same thing if weed wasn't in the picture, and I guessing none of you smoke weed because y'all do not fully know what effects weed can and cannot deliver.
Seriously?

Also I personally deep down inside do not believe I have any mental problems but lack of control of my life which leads me to behave in frustrated ways, sometimes weird and sometimes not.
As far as I can tell, you're the only one that's meintioned it.

It is comepletey natural and yet very taboo to normans, norman means someone who grew up right, someone who has not been abused mentally with fear and embarrassment.

Now I am not assuming that anyone here is a norman.
Really? People are broken - mostly from their childhoods.

There is nothing medically wrong with me, the only thing wrong with me is the fact that I can feel emotion and feelings, mostly that of anxeity and fear and low self esteem and social awkwardness, I am also an introvert.
I don't understand what you mean by you 'can' feel emotion and feelings. Your own or others? If it's others - that's called being empathic and many empaths have issues before they learn to control it.

I have become this way because of abuse in the past, the world to me seemed evil and careless.

No one gave a damm, no one understood why I treated them eye for an eye every now and then.

So you see, my own judgement is always because this is what I think people want to hear, and most of the time I am right when I make those judgements, I iust know what most likely will be said and I don't have time for that. From everyone or just the people that are close to you?

For example: if I call myself ugly, someone else will most likely feel inclined to say to me that I am not ugly for the sake of how I am feeling.

And yes there are tons of people like that.
Yeah, no shit. You don't have to worry about that with me, at least.

But I sure love it when I am wrong, because when I am wrong at least I know I am on the right path.
That's sounds awfully similar to 'if the road is easy it's probably the wrong one.' LOL

All I need to is develop my tools for combatting day to day "feelings", and I won't have these problems anymore.
Cool - any idea what tools you need? Which ones could be helpful? Or harmful if used incorrectly? Do you even know what exactly the problem is?

Fear is the ultimate problem.

If I can eliminate it, then I can say goodbye to being manipulated.
That's not quite how it works. Fear serves it's purposes - and it has many. It's a biological function that's hardwired into the meatsuit you call home. But you can learn how to use it and harness it.

And no I will not elaborate on T.P.D. as it is not a real condition, it is a self label.
Then how are we supposed to know what you're talking about?

Everything I mentioned is perfectly normal, I have a few other friends who are experiencing the same effects minus the gibberish/random language phenomenon.
Unless you're a Fundamentalist in the middle of a church service - random language speaking is not normal. Neither is barking or growling while in the frog position.

Ok - you're unconscious at the time. Some part of you is obviously working and it's not the paralzying agents that are released while we sleep. The times you mention are transitional times between different brain waves. This is one of the more common states for people to experience the woowoo. You haven't said anything that makes me think you're nuts - other than barking at people outside your front door but you weren't actually awake for that.

Are you familiar with the terms The Great Work, Shadow Work, Self Work - anything along those lines? Those are pretty specific things and that's what I was asking about.

I do not speak swahili nor do I know for certain that this servitor can speak swahili because it only did so once.
Then how do you know it was speaking Swahili?

Without knowing the steps that were taken in it's creation - no one can really give you much of anything regarding what you're calling a servitor.

I only call it a servitor because it appears to me as one - and I asked for a stronger personality to my subconscious if it was listening to me and only if it was tired of feeling what I felt.

It can simply just be that my subconscious has so much fear of letting anyone down that even in the midst of transcending past the threshold of unconsciousness to consciousness - it behaves the way it ought to based on how I feel inside.
That's a huge issue that you'll have to work on if you truly want to walk down the occultic paths. That level of fear and failure is detrimental to the magician.

Me answering the door as I shouldn't have been able to... is a more likely fact.

I believe that my subconscious is being quite the active learner.
Most of them are:)

If I can learn how to pass by a moment when I supposed to pass out but choose not to, such as having lack of oxygen, then why not my subconscious act it self out as I am unconscious?

If I can defeat paralysis each and every time, then why not my subconscious act itself out as I am unconscious?

Besides the growling, no I do not need to tell myself nothing to get rid of this because it is not a problem but a hyper reaction towards activity as I am waking up.
Not being an issue really does depend on who you're barking at.

Previously in the past I have always had this 'fear' that one out of every group of people are out to hurt me and it was certainly THAT because of my peers and environment.

I will not get into that so do not ask, it is very personal.

Now this reaction of mine as I awake is perfectly normal, it is a survival reaction.

My therapist and doc do not see anything wrong with me except for the fear I feel which is a huge problem... to me.

They are in no position to make judgements anyways because I do not tell them the full truth because - once again it is personal, I know myself better than they do.
That, in a nutshell, is a major problem. Until and unless you find medical personnel that you can be honest with...

I only asked for a psychologist - I was never recommended one by anyone but myself - I only asked for one because I was hoping that they would know something that I already do not.

Also if there was a way to be emotionally numb so that I can work for soceity and make money.

But of course as stupid as people are they prescribe me with a damn therapist! I can fixyself so screw the therapist, I just want to know about any suppressed hidden information about me when I was little.

There are three ways for me to remain numb:

1.) Same blood type heart transplant from a sociopath.
A.) The genetic mutation or malformation in the neural structutr of their heart is the key to my problem.
B.) Sociopaths do not feel bad for what they do, which is what I want.
C.) Genetic memories are passed down to the transplantee.

2.) Never accepting any gift from anyone ever, seeing the world through only one color, that color being pain.
A.) I'd always ask for the truth despite what they want me to hear.
B.) I'd never open up ever again and just live my life eye fpr an eye.
C.) I'd make sure people felt what they influencede to feel like, especially during my lowest moments from which I needed to recuperate from.

3.) Become a test subject for drugs that aim to disable parts of the brain that deal with stimulating or activating emotion or feeling, ore if not my brain, then areas of my nervous system.

Edit: I am done with editing this post, I am too frustrated with my lame phone, prism ii, it is the slowest piece of sh* I have ever used and the typing is horrible... So I will leave it you to fgure out where what meams what and what word goes where. ~ ^___^
I feel your pain with the phone thing. I waited until I was at my keyboard to write you back.

Now I done with this conversation, this post was not meant to be lead off topic...

So.. my apologies... </3

Let's get back on topic, what are you beliefs on death?

I have many. Are there any specific ones you'd like to hear about?