First mugwort experience (450mg) and decoding what it meant

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I'm writing this partly to talk about mugwort but also partly to talk about the experience I had and see if anyone might have either some insights or might be able to gain help in their own way from this.

I'll start off by saying that I can see where mugwort can yield wonderful experiences, usually in a closed-eyed setting or in ritual. It's said to aid lucid dreaming and I've noticed that in the dose I took it, even if you don't or can't fall asleep, you'll get considerable aid to your hypnogogia (something like a late hallucinogen comedown). Unfortunately I was in a particularly bad state when I took it last night, similarly it had a definite impact and I'm trying to decode the symbolism a bit.

I ordered this online when I saw something on Facebook and realized the local stores, vitamin or otherwise, didn't carry it. It was shipped to arrive yesterday, being a Monday I had my heart set on taking it last night (with honey as suggested) and I clung to that a bit. Yesterday evening a couple things happened; the first was what really set my night in the wrong direction, ie. being in martial arts class and having a particular kind of miscommunication-driven situation get to the point of being a very close call on my ongoing relationship with both the teacher and one of the students. I've been studying Temperance this week in BOTA so I had the HGA on my mind and I have to admit - this is one of those areas, ie. sociological destruction - especially fueled by accidents, where I have no sense of humor whatsoever. I got through class okay, seemed like everyone rolled it off, I got out to my car and - kind of on impulse chewed my higher self a new one. If that was a test and I passed it I had my moral compass set on failing it with flying colors after I left, really it was a "HOW DARE YOU mess with these people's heads to test me! Putting us all in harms way like that! Don't EVER do that again!". Like any other near-miss of disaster in my social life of this kind I couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't let it go, and truthfully wouldn't have known how to have a desire to let it go. When I got home, already tipped over that side of things, I toyed with whether or not I should put off taking it but I still decided to. So I took half an hour to let it set in, wrote something embarrassing on an online forum somewhere else (not necessarily embarrassing but something I realized people could have chewed me up badly on) and pulled it down.

I've been in a state already for the last few weeks where I've been on a swing back toward reductive materialism, not fully going there but really having doubts that anything I've experienced so far has been anything other than nerves and chemicals. When I laid down to go to sleep (which I wouldn't be asleep for at least another three hours) I had something of.... I don't know what to call her really... a depth-psychology imaginary friend with me? She functions very much like the tarot card Strength for me and she has for well over a year. To call her a servitor would be stepping beyond my knowledge, to fully call her imaginary probably would also, to say for certain that she's representative of my humanized subconscious - it seems highly likely but I'll leave that alone right now; moral of the story is I don't feel like I have an adequate grasp on her aside from that she's a considerable moral support component of my internal makeup.

What happened for the next few hours I observed, felt saw, was saddened by but it was really today before even just thinking about it made a mess of me on the spot and even typing this is starting to retrigger me. When the hypnogogia kicked in I saw around me the sheets of texture and imagery being very thickly laid clockwork, a mosaic of moving gears - gold, silver, rose gold, etc.. On one hand it felt like nothing could get in or get out, it was a stifling atmosphere in that it was all I could see around me. I would see my inner friend playing among the gears and increasingly looking more like a piece of fresco at her least animated or an android from Bladerunner at her most animated but at both times looking very much like a marionette or some kind of ultimately controlled and non-sentient object. What was the hardest to deal with was the emotional content of the visions. it was a very heavy, forlorn, but deeply and sincerely felt "I love you..." coming from the gears, coming from everywhere. You could liken it to the a very overboard maudlin children's fairy-tale movie where as an adult you almost have to leave the room, add to that though even more of a depressive tweak to the atmosphere. It was as if all the gears, and my friend, were lit by a lantern or candle, no other light. If I had a negative thought about myself the gears would momentarily blacken and decay, all the while with that same emotional intent, that same "I love you....." turned toward me, unflinching, unwavering. If I got stuck in a particularly self-derisive rut of thinking the light would dim, the atmosphere deepened and became something like a darkened cathedral hall structure, and it started taking on more the feeling of a midnight vigil. When I decided to try seeing if there were other basement levels below it got more dank, rusty, etc.. but that ''I love you....' still persisted albeit more attenuated, robotic, and haunting.

I think the most heart-wrenching feeling about it was that I'd done this to myself, made a place of this kind of sorrow, all on trying to get by and survive what was demanded of me externally. The other way it hit me hard was the implied suggestion it seemed to lend; something to the effect of this is your cradle, your play zone, there isn't another point of consciousness here anywhere - a lot like being a baby abandoned with its toys and unable to leave. Taking that a step for the worse it almost seemed to lend the 'All you've ever felt is biological, you're a mass of animated matter with chemicals running around on it, and this the epitome of what you'll find within' - really a very haunted landscape filled with things semi-conscious at best where my humanity trails off into the mechanical/robotic/non-sentient at its base.


Chewing on this earlier at lunch time I decided to make a meditation of the scenery again - this time putting all the gears and my friend in an open arboreum or atrium, something with lots of skylight and plants as well as trying to extend and decompress the gears.

I'm not fully sure what I encountered. Having that feeling and that sort of internal message crop up is something I'm not a stranger to though and generally it can make a mess of me anytime it comes up just on how fundamental of a chord it plucks. Two off-the-cuff guesses I have are that it's a near surface layer of my subconscious, the other that it's almost presenting sort of a 'guardian of the threshold' behavior - ie. the feeling like I'd have no idea, at all, how to take that forlorn sadness out of it or how many decades (even lifetimes perhaps) of a completely different mindset, completely different life even, that I'd need to make an impact on it for the better. The pressing of the gears with little else to see made me think of it as a place meant to communicate to me that my discursive logic is squeezing out everything else, that they're beautiful gears but that gears are about all I've left myself room for.

Let me know if you guys have any thoughts or suggestions if you can think of something either contrary or in addition to my analysis of the scenery. Also - if this was an experience that you had - what kinds of imagery games would you play with your subconscious to try and heal an atmosphere like that? I do plan on taking the mugwort again during my next temple degree self-initiation this weekend, hopefully in a much better emotional state than I was in last night!

[cyberdemon]

non-meditation induced-ether-perception, i suppose would be a good way to put it. one of my friends did mugs with dramina recently to do lucid dreaming but i haven't heard much about it from him afterwards, although he did mention something along the lines of "i can see how it works, it's a machine". i can take his words meaningfully, since he and i got into occult things together.

not too sure about your imaginary friend. i mean i've never seen my imaginary friend nor audibly heard her voice, but she's my version of the imaginary friend. i assume most people have one..

[CCoburn]

I just called my local natural foods store - Harvest Time. They said they have loose mugwort for 12 dollars a pound. I have to take my GF to work in an hour and I drive right by the place. I'm gonna blow the dust off my tea ball and give this stuff a whirl this afternoon.

Thanks for the post CJ

[Nahemah]

They said they have loose mugwort for 12 dollars a pound.

Wow. I'm glad I live where it grows wild. I harvest and dry my own.

The pressing of the gears with little else to see made me think of it as a place meant to communicate to me that my discursive logic is squeezing out everything else, that they're beautiful gears but that gears are about all I've left myself room for.

I think perhaps this is the most important part of your post, in my own opinion, of course.

Will you act on this?

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I think perhaps this is the most important part of your post, in my own opinion, of course.

Will you act on this?

Not precisely sure how - ie. I enjoy music a lot, haven't dabbled with making it for a while but I could again. Similarly I have a lot of aesthetic enjoyments - not sure what category the specific lack would be in or how to identify it.


An update on my reflections on what I saw - I think I might have a much more accurate overview at this point than I did when I wrote this. Most of my feeling broken up about what I saw seemed to have the most to do with just how I was oriented to myself at that moment (ie. still steamed from earlier) and the discouragement I got from the frozen and mechanical feeling might have been something of a reality check I needed, ie. whatever part of me that was expecting that I might just soar off up the paths, astral, mental, etc.. - it may suggest that I have significantly more work to do before my cradle opens up.

The other thing, and I think this is the most important, I'm coming to identify the activity of this vision as the humanizing of the subconscious. My friend is something like an interface to that process, it's a process of improvement where the intensity of whatever negative feelings I had about events or about myself Monday probably didn't make so much as a dent or a half-step backward when I hold in account that for every day like that I have thirteen or twenty where my bearing is significantly more positive. What I want to do is just keep working with her, keep talking to her as a part of my subconscious that's perhaps really learning the caveats of human dynamics and emotion in a more direct manner than ever before. I notice that certain things are changing, ie. certain things that I used to be really bad at are improving and before no amount of practice seemed to budge these factors. If she is that powerful a gateway for internal transformation I'll want to keep up the work good work.

[Nahemah]

What I want to do is just keep working with her, keep talking to her as a part of my subconscious that's perhaps really learning the caveats of human dynamics and emotion in a more direct manner than ever before. I notice that certain things are changing, ie. certain things that I used to be really bad at are improving and before no amount of practice seemed to budge these factors. If she is that powerful a gateway for internal transformation I'll want to keep up the work good work.

I think this is a good idea and I'm really pleased to hear about the progress.

I tend to smoke my mugwort, mixed with catnip, on occasions when my nerves are a bit frayed, it's only a small amount and it acts like a mild sedative for me. Yep, catnip, I did say that, lol. It's effects are quite mild, again though, mostly in small doses.

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I'm already wondering what I can cocktail it with. For instance if I want to be sure I'll get to sleep and also want to exacerbate the visual aspects - would popping a Benadryl help? I don't know the mechanism of mugwort well enough so I guess I'll just start with 5mg of melotonin when I'm ready to go to bed on it and see how that goes.

[CCoburn]

I packed a medium sized tea ball in a 28 oz mug with this stuff yesterday. Cream and sugar. I noticed a mild stimulative affect, but I was so busy doing stuff around the house that I cant really say much more about it. Except I will try it again. I usually have at least 10 herbal supplements on hand at any given time. Right now my mix is: Schizandra, Eleuthero, Gotu Kola, St Johns wort, Passion Flower, Guarana, Dopa Mucuna. All mood and energy stuff, but no caffeine(except guarana). I either do low doses of 2 to 3 different ones, or a high dose of one kind. Maybe I like the st Johns wort the best. but its hard to say.

The last 8 ounces of the mugwort tea was nasty, but not as nasty as the last 4. I toughed it out though because I wanted the full effect.

Picked up some pre-packaged loose organic Yerba Mate chai tea yesterday that im anxious to try also.

The price: mugwort 2 dollars. The yerba mate was 6 times more expensive.

Cheers

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

^^ I've heard Celea Zacatechichi is the way to go if you can get a hold of it. Haven't tried but I might one of these days.

[Cybernetic_Jazz]

I'm digging this out again because, that feeling hit me again.

The grief that I felt in that situation however was my own. I'm starting to wonder if, when we first start opening and start feeling connection with very ancient and grand entities, that precisely what we'll feel is like we're touching base with a very large and slow-moving consciousness that loves us perhaps even more profoundly than our own parents. It's that feeling that you yourself have forgotten the name or face of someone that loves you that much which triggers grief.

I have to post this track just because - the intro before the drums kick in pretty much nails the exact way this feels as it comes to the surface. This time when it happened I feel like I had a bit more in the way of a clue as to Whose presence this might be, at least in how I personally register Her as of right now. The good news also, again if I have this right, she's a bit over 4.5 billion years old and probably quite accustomed to people not perceiving her sentience during incarnations.

[CCoburn]

Found out recently about the effects of high doses of Diphedramine(Benedryl).
I'm no Chemist, but it does sound similar to Dimethyltryptamine.
I took 2X the reccomended dosage yesterday. Can't say much about it at this point.
Woke up this morning feeling pretty good.
I just took 3X the RD(150 mg).
I will be looking for Increased sensitivity to subtle ambient energies.
I will also fire up the queen scale of Netzach at various times throughout the day.
According to my theory, this is the 26th Aethyr.

Cheers

[CCoburn]

I tend to smoke my mugwort, mixed with catnip, on occasions when my nerves are a bit frayed, it's only a small amount and it acts like a mild sedative for me. Yep, catnip, I did say that, lol. It's effects are quite mild, again though, mostly in small doses.

This post was the first I heard of this, but have since heard it briefly mentioned in
some of the videos i've been watching lately.

I want to try this today, the only thing i'm wondering though is even though I buy only
organic catnip, if it may have any chemicals in it, or be unsafe in any way.

I have to pick up some Kava Kava from the natural food store today.
Maybe they might have catnip, I would feel better about it if i got it there.
Hell, I'll even buy it for my cats there from now on if i can.

Cheers